As a musicians, we deal with the structural but also the abstract. It is often possible to describe the structure of music, but more difficult to describe how to facilitate it in your playing, or how you should bring out that structure to your audience.
Sometimes, the colors or tone of the music evoke the weirdest things out of you if you let them. In a studio class, my piano professor was talking about the composer Alexander Scriabin, and how he saw literal colors and hues when music was in different key signatures.
Something like this happened to me the other day.
I was sitting in my practice room, trying to memorize Brahm's op. 118, no. 2- Intermezzo. The middle section contains a rhythmic and intense 3-against-2 with f# minor chords. Being very distracted that day, my mind began to wander as my fingers kept playing. My mind echoed the intensity of the musical passage.
Then, there was a very disturbing [dream?... except I wouldn't call it that because I was awake]:
I pictured myself taking a break in the music school lobby and suddenly (don't ask me why- I blame the music...) a gun man comes in and starts pointing his gun at all the students in the lobby. Everybody screamed and ducked behind the couches and tables. Silently, the man walked through the room. He called out "do any of you guys call yourselves Christian? If you do, stand out and make yourself known!" I stood up, with the expectation that I would be shot point blank, on the spot. But for some unexplainable reason, the gun man didn't shoot me. Instead, he tried to make me do something horrible. He said "I want you to call out another Christian and shoot him for me." He handed me the gun, but in my horror I couldn't do it. He was about to take the gun and shoot me himself, but one of my close Christian friends also in the room (he's not a even a music major) jumped up from a table and tried to trip the gunman as he reached for the gun in my hand. Unfortunately, the gunman had already grabbed the gun from my hand and shot my friend. The next thing I remember is that I was standing over my friend's body, helpless. And then the whole scene ended.
Shocking, isn't it? I guess f# minor is the key of death...
The weirdest thing was- this wasn't even a dream, it was something that popped into my mind when I was really deep into the music. Maybe I was hallucinating?
Weird? yeah. But did it make me think? yeah.
After my practice session, I took a lot of time to ponder what had just happened.
I remembered back a few years ago where this actually happened at a school.
I remembered my pastor's sunday school lesson on the little girl who had stood up for Christ in an underground church and was shot by soldiers when they were discovered.
I remembered all the stories and books I read on Eric Liddell, the famous track runner, as a child and how he chose to stay in a prison camp rather than give his place to another. Or how he chose not to run on a Sunday during the Olympics because he placed God and church first in his life.
If I were really in that sort of situation, would I honestly be able to stand up and say "Yes, I'm a Christian and I'm not ashamed of it."
Honestly speaking, I believe I would have to say "no." Which is sad.
How come that people in other religions are willing to die for their faith, but I don't even seem to have enough motivation to do my devotions, let alone stand up to die for my faith?
And about Christ as the focus of our daily lives-- think about it! If it were not for Christ, we would still be dead. Is that not something to think about every single day we are living? And yet we forget so easily like the cross has absolutely no meaning except when we are talking to our Christian friends or at church on Sundays.
A lot to think about, a lot to ponder. But for something this significant, how can one not ponder?
keep thinking,
-KKZ
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Brokenness...
.... is it what we long for? Is it what we need?
So it's been a long, long time since I've written anything.
Things are not going well. My tendinitis came back, and not only will it not go away, but it's actually preventing me from playing a lot of stuff- something that has not happened before.
Talking with a friend here in Texas, he made me realize that this injury has caused me to appreciate playing so much more- I can't take for granted playing piano anymore. Everytime I can actually play, it means so much more.
Yet, I'm really worried and scared that I will not be able to continue with this as my major. I'm on scholarship for piano, and I can't just stop for a semester- what could happen? It's like I'm sitting here waiting for my dreams to be shattered. Or maybe it's not God's will for me.
I don't know. All I know, it's really hard not to be depressed, bitter, and angry about all this, even though I know there is a reason that I am going through all this. I think about it every day and every night, though I know it's not healthy. But I'm sure any normal person who has been uprooted, made independent, with little support would feel as helpless as I am right now.
Think about it this way-- what if your passion- the thing you loved most was suddenly taken away from you?
In addition to this, I'm struggling with the idea of dropping the honors college. This injury has taken over my mind a lot, and it's hard to focus. My first 4 weeks here were already not as focused as they should be. I want to pursue MUSIC- piano, composition, and choir, not honors english & humanities. They sell it to you as "conducive to your major," when you first arrive, but really if you think about it- it's NOT.
I've heard arguments that becoming well-rounded will help you become a better musician. But who's to say that I wouldn't learn a good amount taking normal classes, while still being able to focus on music.
Two things are keeping me from cutting it off right now: First, my mentor put it this way: "It is a mission field that would be lost. A lot of the things discussed in that class have to do with philosophy and human nature- things that would open so many doors for sharing your faith." Secondly, I have never been one to settle for less when there is an opportunity in front of me. This could be bad- as seen in my high school years when I piled on way more than I could chew, but yet, it's good because I know that I will never be satisfied settling for "mediocre."
****************
As much struggle as there has been over the past 4-5 weeks, there have also been a lot of joys. I have a good group of pianist/music friends that do almost everything music together. I made four close friends, two from my university and two from a private university 10 miles down the road- all of them around my age. I have also been blessed with an awesome accountability/mentor buddy. Right now, I have joined both InterVaristy Christian Fellowship and also Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. It's kind of tough to balance going to both, but I now feel too attached to leave either.
Someday soon, I hope to be able to share with the youth group I left back at home about all I am learning. Even in 4 weeks- I have learned more than I imagined.
It is so easy to lose sight of your focus in college. As much as I have been plugged-in to all these fellowships and a good church, it's been really tough to maintain my spiritual walk. You think that leaving the "structured life" of high school would give you much more time, but in reality it doesn't. This is especially true of pianists and honors college kids who either spend their waking hours practicing or studying. That "lazy" feeling of not wanting to do your devotions or missing church is just as prevalent as it was back in high school. In fact, it's even easier to get away with not doing it, especially if you don't have accountability or anyone to nag at you all the time. So much stuff is "on your own"- like if you don't feel like cleaning your room, your mom won't make you clean it. If you don't want to eat vegetables for dinner, you don't have to. If you don't want to go to church, no one will make you. You really discover where your real "heart" lies. After these 4 weeks, I see how true the statistic of strong "high school christians" turn away from Christ after hitting college. And I'm sure, unfortunately, that many of my friends back at home who professed their faith in high school, now no longer follow through with it.
It's been really easy to let things slide and not care, but the more I talk with my friends, the more I see that without Christ, a lot of things are not worth the effort. That doesn't make it easier, but at least I have recognized that there is something that I must actively pursue every day. Now, acting on that, that's another story- one I'm still trying to figure out and work on.
So it's been a long, long time since I've written anything.
Things are not going well. My tendinitis came back, and not only will it not go away, but it's actually preventing me from playing a lot of stuff- something that has not happened before.
Talking with a friend here in Texas, he made me realize that this injury has caused me to appreciate playing so much more- I can't take for granted playing piano anymore. Everytime I can actually play, it means so much more.
Yet, I'm really worried and scared that I will not be able to continue with this as my major. I'm on scholarship for piano, and I can't just stop for a semester- what could happen? It's like I'm sitting here waiting for my dreams to be shattered. Or maybe it's not God's will for me.
I don't know. All I know, it's really hard not to be depressed, bitter, and angry about all this, even though I know there is a reason that I am going through all this. I think about it every day and every night, though I know it's not healthy. But I'm sure any normal person who has been uprooted, made independent, with little support would feel as helpless as I am right now.
Think about it this way-- what if your passion- the thing you loved most was suddenly taken away from you?
In addition to this, I'm struggling with the idea of dropping the honors college. This injury has taken over my mind a lot, and it's hard to focus. My first 4 weeks here were already not as focused as they should be. I want to pursue MUSIC- piano, composition, and choir, not honors english & humanities. They sell it to you as "conducive to your major," when you first arrive, but really if you think about it- it's NOT.
I've heard arguments that becoming well-rounded will help you become a better musician. But who's to say that I wouldn't learn a good amount taking normal classes, while still being able to focus on music.
Two things are keeping me from cutting it off right now: First, my mentor put it this way: "It is a mission field that would be lost. A lot of the things discussed in that class have to do with philosophy and human nature- things that would open so many doors for sharing your faith." Secondly, I have never been one to settle for less when there is an opportunity in front of me. This could be bad- as seen in my high school years when I piled on way more than I could chew, but yet, it's good because I know that I will never be satisfied settling for "mediocre."
****************
As much struggle as there has been over the past 4-5 weeks, there have also been a lot of joys. I have a good group of pianist/music friends that do almost everything music together. I made four close friends, two from my university and two from a private university 10 miles down the road- all of them around my age. I have also been blessed with an awesome accountability/mentor buddy. Right now, I have joined both InterVaristy Christian Fellowship and also Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. It's kind of tough to balance going to both, but I now feel too attached to leave either.
Someday soon, I hope to be able to share with the youth group I left back at home about all I am learning. Even in 4 weeks- I have learned more than I imagined.
It is so easy to lose sight of your focus in college. As much as I have been plugged-in to all these fellowships and a good church, it's been really tough to maintain my spiritual walk. You think that leaving the "structured life" of high school would give you much more time, but in reality it doesn't. This is especially true of pianists and honors college kids who either spend their waking hours practicing or studying. That "lazy" feeling of not wanting to do your devotions or missing church is just as prevalent as it was back in high school. In fact, it's even easier to get away with not doing it, especially if you don't have accountability or anyone to nag at you all the time. So much stuff is "on your own"- like if you don't feel like cleaning your room, your mom won't make you clean it. If you don't want to eat vegetables for dinner, you don't have to. If you don't want to go to church, no one will make you. You really discover where your real "heart" lies. After these 4 weeks, I see how true the statistic of strong "high school christians" turn away from Christ after hitting college. And I'm sure, unfortunately, that many of my friends back at home who professed their faith in high school, now no longer follow through with it.
It's been really easy to let things slide and not care, but the more I talk with my friends, the more I see that without Christ, a lot of things are not worth the effort. That doesn't make it easier, but at least I have recognized that there is something that I must actively pursue every day. Now, acting on that, that's another story- one I'm still trying to figure out and work on.
Another thing I've experienced in here is the need to have a lot of biblical knowledge and knowledge of your faith. You WILL be challenged- and in my short time here, my faith has been challenged multiple times already. You don't realize how weak or strong your faith is until its foundations are tested. And with college being the place where you find out your "true self," trust me, it's going to be tested- not just by professors, but by your friends and even by yourself, when you have doubts.
One thing I wish I had done more of before college was to pay more attention in sunday school and youth group. Many of us knock them off as something that is not important, or merely for fun. I mean- who really cares about the difference between Calvinism & Armenianism or why predestination and free-will really matter? Or does it? Why do I wish that when I share my faith with my non-christian friends, that I could effortlessly support what I'm saying with passages (that I never memorized) from the bible?
One thing I've learned is that if you are going to be proactive about sharing or defending your faith in college, you have to have a solid foundation and understanding of why you believe what you believe (really?? people do that? I would have never guessed... lol). Because of this, I'm now beginning to take theology, bible study, and other things we learn in church much more seriously.
____________
No, I haven't gained my freshman 15 yet, but I'm really having a rough time adjusting right now. The biggest source of it all: my injury. This week has been one of the most testing on my patience, trust/reliance on God, and desperation/brokenness. I would really appreciate all your prayers, especially with the seemingly unfixable, dead-end situation with my hand. Pray that I can obtain insurance if I end up going to see a performance hand specialist. I'm not sure my parent's insurance will cover anything.
And for many of you, I am not coming back home for Thanksgiving (sadly... ), so I will see you during Christmas break...
I better stop typing or my tendinitis will flare up...
in pace,
-Koinonia kai Zelos
"...Take my life and form it,
Take my mind and transform it,
Take my will and conform it,
To yours, to yours, oh Lord."
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