Lord, I'm praying that you will show yourself through someone in Houston this summer. Someone to comfort me. Someone to open up to. Someone who will give me a kick and tell me to wake up. Someone to help me out of the grave I'm digging for myself.
I know it's not impossible...
I pray this in genuine earnest, and believe that you will provide if it is what you want.
Begging for His mercy,
KKZ
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Deep Crisis
It is said that some 7 out 10 high school students leave their faith once they enter college.
"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler
And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:
What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?
All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.
Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?
Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.
I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...
You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...
"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler
And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:
What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?
All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.
Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?
Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.
I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...
You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...
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