Everyone Has Their Own Skeletons...

The question is, are they out of the closet?

"Play the passage as if you were encaging your right hand within the accompaniment of the left."

"Leonardo Dreams of his Flying Machine…

As the candles burn low he paces and writes,
Releasing purchased pigeons one by one
Into the golden Tuscan sunrise…"

"Scratching quill on crumpled paper,"

"Images of wing and frame and fabric fastened tightly."

"Leonardo steels himself, takes one last breath, and leaps…"

-From Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine

(Eric Whitacre; Charles Anthony Silvestri)

I am Leonardo.

I must learn how to fly.

Purchased pigeons.

Caged. Entrapped.

One by one; One by one they go... Released.

"As the midnight watchtower tolls,
Over rooftop, street and dome,
The triumph of a human being ascending
In the dreaming of a mortal man."

“Leonardo, Vieni á Volare! Leonardo, Sognare!”

Leonardo succeeds. But was it still only in a dream?

-KKZ

Chinese Bitter Melons Don't Taste This Bitter...

This blog is supposed to be about a journey of struggles,thoughts, joys, praises,fellowship, passion, thankfulness, reflection and action....

Well right now, this one is going to be about struggles, brick walls and the little pinch of hell that has lately seasoned my life.

Feeling alone sucks...

If only my parents, my friends, my peers would understand...

On the outside it seems though I have many friends. On the inside, I feel lonely as hell is lonely...

A whole year to get plugged-in to my new university- a whole year without many results.

It seemed good at first..

keyword seemed...

I'm done with this shit.

Spiritually, I feel like shit.

Socially, I feel like shit.

Musically, I feel like shit.

Physically, I feel like shit.

yes. shit shit shit.

I'm sorry for cussing so much. I normally don't. But being rejected by people really makes you feel like that.

Everyone I've talked to about my big struggle says "oh, we still love you." But yet, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to act on it and just bury it under the rug. We're just supposed to "treat this like any other sin." And then what? I find no satisfaction anywhere else. And don't tell me I'm supposed to find it in Jesus. Cuz, frickin' reality check says I haven't...

I hate that I'm not always around my friends at Rice.

I don't want to just see people on a Friday and a Sunday- twice per week.

I hate that I can't find a person to be close with- and I'm not just talking to "hang out" with.

I hate that I'm so far away from home.

I hate that I don't have a car to go anywhere.

I hate that I don't have a group to be with all the time. And group I do have- it's all girls.

I hate that I'm stressed out 24/7.

I hate that everyone just wants to party and get drunk.

I hate that I'm ignored.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired.

School is hard.

I feel like a hypocrite, and want to help others, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm leading freshmen to go to fellowships, but I'm not on board myself.

I put on a fake smile and act like everything is cool, but inside I'm so fuckin unsettled.

I want to be moral, but being moral requires so much restraint.

I want to be a real Christian, but I'm so apathetic.

I want to be unskeptical of things, but the world tells me otherwise.

I wish there were less fake Christians, or "so-called" ones, but each day I meet more and more.

I want to undo the scars, but they already happened.

I wish I wasn't so restless and could let things go, but my personality and childhood has made me tense and unforgiving.

Damnit, what the hell is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be content?

Sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and not wake up...

Forgive me for being bitter,

but this SUCKS.

People, Relationships and Flakes

You discover a lot of things in college... like how some people won't even respond to your messages or respond back to you if you're making an effort to befriend them.

I mean, you don't have to be my friend- you don't even have to talk to me at all! But at least respond to my messages and at least acknowledge that you received it?? And if you say you want to hang out, but never do or end up avoiding me because you didn't go through with it... well, then instead, just say "I can't, or I don't have time."

Sorry, I feel slightly bitter right now.

Time for a nap now! Naps solve everything =)

-KKZ