It's Friday, Friday... SHUT UP ALREADY!!

I hate that CCF is always on Fridays. Everything seems to demand my Fridays- my performances, friends' performances, music, fraternity, friends, rehearsal, practicing, catching up on sleep- and there's just not enough time to go around...

The Potpourri Post: The Cutthroat Life, Brotherhood, Humility, Voids

Today I volunteered the entire day at the music school's piano auditions. They started at 9 AM and will end at 5:30 PM. Sitting outside the door and listening to all the auditionees, it dawned on me that there are thousands and thousands of people out there who have played or are playing my pieces- most of them better than I'll ever play them. What makes my playing any more special than the next person? After all, a piece has probably been played millions of times since it has been written. How can I be successful when to my friends I'm known as a "prodigy," but to the outside world I essentially "suck?"

I was contemplating this in lessons, as I was worried about upcoming piano auditions and all the competitive pianists that would apply. This summer, the two main festivals I want to attend are Brevard in North Carolina and Chautaqua in New York. It was during my lesson that my teacher noticed my worry and said essentially this: "No matter where you are in life, there is always someone above you, and someone below you. I played in the Van Cliburn competition and even then I realized this. Work hard, but don't compare yourself to others. Your own achievements should make you content, not the standard of others."

Maybe that's why my teacher is such a calm, understanding, happy person. I have seen that this has been impossible to come by in the music world- I have yet to meet a musician like my teacher- not a nutcase, but also a musical prodigy, hard worker, and yet still sane and calm.

It's so hard to not desire success in the music world. Not success in terms of fulfillment, but success in terms of "making it." Perhaps that's why the suicide rate among artists is so dang high. It goes the other way too. Some people find so much contentment in music- that emotional experience, that nothing of the world can compare to it anymore- in a bad way! There was this story of a famous pianist who had great acclaim. Yet, he took his own life because he felt that beyond the ethereal side of music, there was nothing in the world that was worth feeling anymore. So many musicians think they can fill voids in their life with something as powerful as music- which is obviously much stronger than we can describe or imagine. Yet, it's still not enough to satisfy the soul, apparently.

*******

An update from the fraternity side of the world. I knew I was in for a time crunch, but one never understands the true extent of something until they are officially a part of it.

Two things the fraternity has been teaching me thus far in the process. The first which is a sense of humility. Being required to shake a brother's hand and addressing him every single time he walks into the room, dropping whatever you're doing, might sound awful- and it has been pretty taxing, but it has also degraded me to a place of humbleness. I think the first thing I thought about was how Jesus was treated in the hours of humiliation before his crucifixion. He likely could have thought "I'm not lower than all these people spitting on me or beating me, but it's still my job and place to be humble despite how I could be reacting." I think that's another reason why so many guys don't go through the rush process. It's a lot of work, with very little comprehension until the final result: initiation.

The second thing I've been learning (not to mention my greatest weakness): patience. If there was one thing in the world that drives me, it's impatience. Usually this is caused by me running late, having a billion things to do, overstressing myself and not taking care of my body. If you're a musician and reading this, it sounds kind of like you, right? Being in the fraternity, the thing stressed to the probationary class is unity. We recite things together, in rhythm. When one person screws up, we all screw up. When one person doesn't have their crap figured out, then we all don't. With one of the largest probationary classes in many years- a total of 10 members, it's frustrating when one person messes up and we have to wait on him. Eventually, little things start getting on your nerves. Learning to work together not only builds a sense of tolerance, but also makes us closer in our relationship as brothers.

Not going to lie though, this is going to be one hell of a long semester- and I'm really sad that I might have to suffer from lack of attendance at CCF.

Sadly, though, I've been extremely torn by the void that comes with the distant (both physically and stably in the context of time and emotional attachment) relationship of CCFers. I know they try, and I've sure been trying as well- this is definitely NOT to say I've given up on CCF. Unfortunately, I feel a huge need to find acceptance and brotherhood within my own circles of musicians and friends. In addition to this, what better way to surround myself by brothers and have voids from SSA filled in a healthy relationship? After all, there is no dating allowed within the fraternity itself. My line brothers are people I'd want to be around all the time and my big brother cares about me a ton. At the same time, I feel like it's really draining my spiritual life, emotional life, and church life.

But isn't life always like that? So many voids, so little time to fill them. The whole idea of "Christ-filling all voids" sounds great hypothetically, but it's just so difficult to accept when life gets crazy and busy. It seems that it's only in times of slow-paced, molasses life that one actually gets time to think about this and actually feel enough space to act on it or pursue it.

Anyway, not much time to write. Homework is piling up and I have recordings to do.

Wish me luck,

KKZ

Crossing Over...

As of 10:00 PM tonight, I officially became a probationary member of Phi Mu Alpha- Class of Gamma Pi.

As for the future and what it holds, I'm uncertain, but I do know that things will be different from here on out.

Hoping to keep you updated,

-KKZ

Voids

Torn into two.

A wrestling match.

A stalemate.

What is it to desire love but not accept it?

Love is..

a sacrifice

patient

kind

not boastful

Honorable character, yes love is, but why so difficult to accept?

I cannot love and yet I am loved.

I do not accept, but I am accepted.

I desire love, but will not find.

This reality has become my nightmare.

A struggle within a struggle.

The root connected to the symptom.

Sick of the bullshit misunderstandings of ignorant fools, I wait and wither away.

Not one day goes by that I do not feel depressed or despair.

My body is weak and frail. It will only fail. It will only die.

Please help me.