It's Friday, Friday... SHUT UP ALREADY!!

I hate that CCF is always on Fridays. Everything seems to demand my Fridays- my performances, friends' performances, music, fraternity, friends, rehearsal, practicing, catching up on sleep- and there's just not enough time to go around...

The Potpourri Post: The Cutthroat Life, Brotherhood, Humility, Voids

Today I volunteered the entire day at the music school's piano auditions. They started at 9 AM and will end at 5:30 PM. Sitting outside the door and listening to all the auditionees, it dawned on me that there are thousands and thousands of people out there who have played or are playing my pieces- most of them better than I'll ever play them. What makes my playing any more special than the next person? After all, a piece has probably been played millions of times since it has been written. How can I be successful when to my friends I'm known as a "prodigy," but to the outside world I essentially "suck?"

I was contemplating this in lessons, as I was worried about upcoming piano auditions and all the competitive pianists that would apply. This summer, the two main festivals I want to attend are Brevard in North Carolina and Chautaqua in New York. It was during my lesson that my teacher noticed my worry and said essentially this: "No matter where you are in life, there is always someone above you, and someone below you. I played in the Van Cliburn competition and even then I realized this. Work hard, but don't compare yourself to others. Your own achievements should make you content, not the standard of others."

Maybe that's why my teacher is such a calm, understanding, happy person. I have seen that this has been impossible to come by in the music world- I have yet to meet a musician like my teacher- not a nutcase, but also a musical prodigy, hard worker, and yet still sane and calm.

It's so hard to not desire success in the music world. Not success in terms of fulfillment, but success in terms of "making it." Perhaps that's why the suicide rate among artists is so dang high. It goes the other way too. Some people find so much contentment in music- that emotional experience, that nothing of the world can compare to it anymore- in a bad way! There was this story of a famous pianist who had great acclaim. Yet, he took his own life because he felt that beyond the ethereal side of music, there was nothing in the world that was worth feeling anymore. So many musicians think they can fill voids in their life with something as powerful as music- which is obviously much stronger than we can describe or imagine. Yet, it's still not enough to satisfy the soul, apparently.

*******

An update from the fraternity side of the world. I knew I was in for a time crunch, but one never understands the true extent of something until they are officially a part of it.

Two things the fraternity has been teaching me thus far in the process. The first which is a sense of humility. Being required to shake a brother's hand and addressing him every single time he walks into the room, dropping whatever you're doing, might sound awful- and it has been pretty taxing, but it has also degraded me to a place of humbleness. I think the first thing I thought about was how Jesus was treated in the hours of humiliation before his crucifixion. He likely could have thought "I'm not lower than all these people spitting on me or beating me, but it's still my job and place to be humble despite how I could be reacting." I think that's another reason why so many guys don't go through the rush process. It's a lot of work, with very little comprehension until the final result: initiation.

The second thing I've been learning (not to mention my greatest weakness): patience. If there was one thing in the world that drives me, it's impatience. Usually this is caused by me running late, having a billion things to do, overstressing myself and not taking care of my body. If you're a musician and reading this, it sounds kind of like you, right? Being in the fraternity, the thing stressed to the probationary class is unity. We recite things together, in rhythm. When one person screws up, we all screw up. When one person doesn't have their crap figured out, then we all don't. With one of the largest probationary classes in many years- a total of 10 members, it's frustrating when one person messes up and we have to wait on him. Eventually, little things start getting on your nerves. Learning to work together not only builds a sense of tolerance, but also makes us closer in our relationship as brothers.

Not going to lie though, this is going to be one hell of a long semester- and I'm really sad that I might have to suffer from lack of attendance at CCF.

Sadly, though, I've been extremely torn by the void that comes with the distant (both physically and stably in the context of time and emotional attachment) relationship of CCFers. I know they try, and I've sure been trying as well- this is definitely NOT to say I've given up on CCF. Unfortunately, I feel a huge need to find acceptance and brotherhood within my own circles of musicians and friends. In addition to this, what better way to surround myself by brothers and have voids from SSA filled in a healthy relationship? After all, there is no dating allowed within the fraternity itself. My line brothers are people I'd want to be around all the time and my big brother cares about me a ton. At the same time, I feel like it's really draining my spiritual life, emotional life, and church life.

But isn't life always like that? So many voids, so little time to fill them. The whole idea of "Christ-filling all voids" sounds great hypothetically, but it's just so difficult to accept when life gets crazy and busy. It seems that it's only in times of slow-paced, molasses life that one actually gets time to think about this and actually feel enough space to act on it or pursue it.

Anyway, not much time to write. Homework is piling up and I have recordings to do.

Wish me luck,

KKZ

Crossing Over...

As of 10:00 PM tonight, I officially became a probationary member of Phi Mu Alpha- Class of Gamma Pi.

As for the future and what it holds, I'm uncertain, but I do know that things will be different from here on out.

Hoping to keep you updated,

-KKZ

Voids

Torn into two.

A wrestling match.

A stalemate.

What is it to desire love but not accept it?

Love is..

a sacrifice

patient

kind

not boastful

Honorable character, yes love is, but why so difficult to accept?

I cannot love and yet I am loved.

I do not accept, but I am accepted.

I desire love, but will not find.

This reality has become my nightmare.

A struggle within a struggle.

The root connected to the symptom.

Sick of the bullshit misunderstandings of ignorant fools, I wait and wither away.

Not one day goes by that I do not feel depressed or despair.

My body is weak and frail. It will only fail. It will only die.

Please help me.

Dear God,

thank you for sending DMC into my life again and speaking the hard truth to my face even though I didn't want to hear it.

It doesn't mean I'll feel compelled to respond right away, but you have no idea how encouraging it was. (well.. maybe you do, I guess, since you're God...)

-KKZ

Football, Football and MORE Football!!!

So last weekend I visited friends from A&M. Before I got there, I had called my friend to see what they were all doing.

"Just playing some football, but we don't have to."

But when I got there, I realized that my friend was the one who organized the pickup game (it was tackle), and so of course I said "yes, we have to go!"

What I thought would be a 1 or 2 hour game, turned out to be 3 straight hours of football.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love running around (mainly soccer and track), but 3 hours of football?!

Afterwards, I found out that everyone there wanted to watch the TAMU game against Nebraska. Hence, another 4 hours of football!!

Wooooooooo!!!

I had never been exposed to so much football in one day.

Two things I realized from all this:

Patience. After a while, it didn't feel so awful to be running around (however stupid and inexperienced I looked). I realized that I was willing to do whatever- as long as good friends were involved.

Passion. Mine is music. Others might be football. And while I have a totally biased view and am surprised when people aren't as responsive to music as I am (my parents for example...), I often don't realize that other people may have an equal passion for something in their own lives. Though, admittedly, I find certain things easier to sympathize passion for than others.

If a friend visited me on a huge concert weekend, their post might have been "Music, Music and MORE MUSIC!!!"

Either way, this weekend was a good mix of everything- and as odd as it was watching [as the minority] a bunch of A&Mers cheering for their team,the game was actually kind of exciting. Especially at the end- when the crowd rushed the field and chanted their little traditions together in a giant circle.

Every school I've visited has a really close-knit IV, Epic or other group like that... A&M, UT, Rice. They do everything together- study, eat, live. Sometimes I wonder what happened to that at my school.

One can always ponder...

That note aside (oh the irony),

Happy Thanksgiving!!

-KKZ

You Know You're a Music Major When You Understand This Joke:

So a C, E flat, and G walk into a bar...
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Telling It Like It Is...

Some things are just too ridiculous to believe are true.

Other things are too fake to be reality.

This was neither.

It was a normal Tuesday in the life of a busy musician, and he just couldn't stay awake to save his life. Classes had been so boring that morning that he almost fell asleep drooling, mouth agape from exhaustion. After several rough hours of class, he had lunch with a few friends and biked half-awake back towards his apartment. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Hitting the bed, everything went black.

As the house lights undimmed, the musician woke up in a very strange setting: a house with the television on. Wait a minute, "this isn't my apartment," he thought to himself. The street was reminiscent of the suburban town in which he grew up. Each of the two-story houses uniform, with the same type of grass surrounding each house. It seemed like a very surreal, yet normal mix of his childhood environment coupled with his current college environment- It was as if the overlap of the two chapters of his life, childhood and college, made it seem like he had lived there for all 19 years of his life.

Then there was him.

The dream took a weird turn, with weird unexplainable events that can't really be described- like how many dreams are.

Merely three houses down and living with his parents, he went to the same college, and though he didn't have the same major, he became good friends with this musician. Trips with groups of friends to this person's house became more frequent, then daily, then exclusive.

Exclusivity at its fullest.

Suddenly, it was more than just a friendship- it was more.

The dream accelerating quickly to its climax, it was all of a sudden apparent that the musician realized that not only his environment had changed, but his relationship status. He was madly in love for the first time ever. He had someone to share his life with. He cherished every minute of it and confided with no one else. Their friends didn't know, his parents didn't know. In act, no one could have guessed it.

The stage went black again, indicating the start of a new dream sequence.

In this final scene, the musician awoke to see himself standing at the front door of his friend's house. He looked into the living room, at his friend's mother, who gave him a very indignant look. It was as if daggers were shooting out of her eyes. The musician quickly ran upstairs to his friend's room, only to discover that he was not there. What was there, was the sleeping bag and clothing left over from the night before, when he had slept over. "Wait, I thought I took these home in the early morning before we went to school," he thought to himself.

Suddenly, there was an angry yell from the living room. I ran downstairs to see my friend's mother screaming up a storm. She had finally cracked and unleashed the fury that had incipiently stared me in the eye when I had walked in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" she shrieked out loud, "You.. you... you.... I don't want my son hanging around a FAG!!" She waved her hands maniacally, in disgust, first up and down and then towards the front door.

"You no good dirty people, get OUT!! NOW!" She stormed into the kitchen and cussed up a storm.

The musician, shocked because the dream had not even alluded to his friend's mother up to this point, ran up the stairs to his friend's room to grab his belongings. His friend was right behind him, equally upset, but significantly calmer. As the musician grabbed his clothes, he turned around and looked his friend in the eye. His friend gave him a sorrowful look of pain that was enough to break even the coldest Russian soldier's composure. At this point the musician wanted to cry, but couldn't. It was moving too quickly to be reality.

"I'm sorry," said the musician's dear friend, "but you have to go."

Without another word, the musician burst out the front door, never to return again. He trudged over the freshly mowed grass of the neighboring yards, his belongings trailing on the ground from a heap in his arms.

Suddenly, everything went black.

The musician awoke abruptly from his nap- his nightmare. He looked around at his college apartment: the bed, the sheets, the pillows, the mess. His mind grasped words to comprehend what had just happened, but there were none. He sat dazed on the bed for a few moments, then got up to stare in the mirror. Was this reality? Was this life?

A story with a climax but not a resolution.

A nightmare in an alternate realm, a reality in another.

Don't talk of love

Well, I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings

that have died

If I never love I never

would have cried

I am a rock I am an island

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

-Paul Simon

"I am a Rock, v.3-4"

Step #1 of...

"What we seek we shall find; what we flee from flees from us."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if what we seek is what will make us flee?

vice versa,

What if what we flee is something that we seek?

Perhaps the act of not fleeing permeates from a lack of experience.

vice versa,

Perhaps inexperience would discourage the onset of an incipient desire to flee.

Then again, could inexperience result in the onset of unsatisfaction?

vice versa,

Then again, could eternal complacency result from infantilism/naivete?

A or B?

X or Y?

Certainly one is not to choose both.

Hide-And-Go-Seek In The Dark. Necessary at the moment, not recommended. You might run into a few brick walls...

Where are you hiding?

Unsatisfied, restless, incomplacent,

-KKZ

What's the purpose...

of investing in a group I see twice a week or less and often less than that because I'm busy with so many other things? A group that I hardly talk to outside of our two meetings weekly, and most of whom I don't even go to school with. Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed almost every aspect of being with the group, and I've allowed it almost a year and a half's time, but the distance and schedule differences between us are just so great...

I'm toying around very seriously now about joining that music frat. Sure it will suck up most of my free time on Fridays and Saturdays, and every other day... but at least these will be people I'm around all the time, call my brothers and feel accepted.

Hmm.. A or B?

****

On another note, the concerto competition was today. As predicted none of the classical concertos even placed... except for one doctoral student's Beethoven 2 and that's because she was amazing! I probably didn't prepare well enough anyway, considering I was scrambling just to have the thing memorized well- and I started last semester!! *Sigh* it's my hope to play with an orchestra in my undergrad. If I decide to take the choral conducting route, I may never get the chops or opportunity to do so ever again...

Next time: romantic or contemporary concerto!!

-KKZ

KKZ is...

Thinking about joining a fraternity.

Yes you read that right. A frat.

But not a dirty, stereotypical frat where everyone gets drunk... A REAL, legit one. A music one. With many friends I already know...

Who knows?? This may help me not feel so lonely and alienated in Houston (story of my life for the past year).

And most people who think about frats give it negative connotation. Perhaps. But not this one..

-KKZ

There are times when we all feel like lonely, insane, idiots...

Right now is one of those times... I would like to wake up tomorrow morning and think that the whole past year and a half has just been a big, unreal dream...

There's nothing like watching a movie all alone and crying on and off for an hour straight until you fall asleep, a third of the box of kleenex gone-- this after a shitty day. You should try it sometime...

Heart broken. Brain in a mess. Life confusing.

Emo in a box? Yeah, that'll be $14.50, please.

Everyone Has Their Own Skeletons...

The question is, are they out of the closet?

"Play the passage as if you were encaging your right hand within the accompaniment of the left."

"Leonardo Dreams of his Flying Machine…

As the candles burn low he paces and writes,
Releasing purchased pigeons one by one
Into the golden Tuscan sunrise…"

"Scratching quill on crumpled paper,"

"Images of wing and frame and fabric fastened tightly."

"Leonardo steels himself, takes one last breath, and leaps…"

-From Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine

(Eric Whitacre; Charles Anthony Silvestri)

I am Leonardo.

I must learn how to fly.

Purchased pigeons.

Caged. Entrapped.

One by one; One by one they go... Released.

"As the midnight watchtower tolls,
Over rooftop, street and dome,
The triumph of a human being ascending
In the dreaming of a mortal man."

“Leonardo, Vieni á Volare! Leonardo, Sognare!”

Leonardo succeeds. But was it still only in a dream?

-KKZ

Chinese Bitter Melons Don't Taste This Bitter...

This blog is supposed to be about a journey of struggles,thoughts, joys, praises,fellowship, passion, thankfulness, reflection and action....

Well right now, this one is going to be about struggles, brick walls and the little pinch of hell that has lately seasoned my life.

Feeling alone sucks...

If only my parents, my friends, my peers would understand...

On the outside it seems though I have many friends. On the inside, I feel lonely as hell is lonely...

A whole year to get plugged-in to my new university- a whole year without many results.

It seemed good at first..

keyword seemed...

I'm done with this shit.

Spiritually, I feel like shit.

Socially, I feel like shit.

Musically, I feel like shit.

Physically, I feel like shit.

yes. shit shit shit.

I'm sorry for cussing so much. I normally don't. But being rejected by people really makes you feel like that.

Everyone I've talked to about my big struggle says "oh, we still love you." But yet, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to act on it and just bury it under the rug. We're just supposed to "treat this like any other sin." And then what? I find no satisfaction anywhere else. And don't tell me I'm supposed to find it in Jesus. Cuz, frickin' reality check says I haven't...

I hate that I'm not always around my friends at Rice.

I don't want to just see people on a Friday and a Sunday- twice per week.

I hate that I can't find a person to be close with- and I'm not just talking to "hang out" with.

I hate that I'm so far away from home.

I hate that I don't have a car to go anywhere.

I hate that I don't have a group to be with all the time. And group I do have- it's all girls.

I hate that I'm stressed out 24/7.

I hate that everyone just wants to party and get drunk.

I hate that I'm ignored.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired.

School is hard.

I feel like a hypocrite, and want to help others, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm leading freshmen to go to fellowships, but I'm not on board myself.

I put on a fake smile and act like everything is cool, but inside I'm so fuckin unsettled.

I want to be moral, but being moral requires so much restraint.

I want to be a real Christian, but I'm so apathetic.

I want to be unskeptical of things, but the world tells me otherwise.

I wish there were less fake Christians, or "so-called" ones, but each day I meet more and more.

I want to undo the scars, but they already happened.

I wish I wasn't so restless and could let things go, but my personality and childhood has made me tense and unforgiving.

Damnit, what the hell is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be content?

Sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and not wake up...

Forgive me for being bitter,

but this SUCKS.

People, Relationships and Flakes

You discover a lot of things in college... like how some people won't even respond to your messages or respond back to you if you're making an effort to befriend them.

I mean, you don't have to be my friend- you don't even have to talk to me at all! But at least respond to my messages and at least acknowledge that you received it?? And if you say you want to hang out, but never do or end up avoiding me because you didn't go through with it... well, then instead, just say "I can't, or I don't have time."

Sorry, I feel slightly bitter right now.

Time for a nap now! Naps solve everything =)

-KKZ

Hopefully Sophomore Year Will Be Better??

I honestly wish I could make a very close group of friends at the University. I see groups of friends that do EVERYTHING together. And I guess I do have one at the music school, but not really..

And definitely, I have a close group of friends at Rice, but it's always been this way- even in high school. My closest friends were the ones that were the furthest distance away from me...

Hmm... one can only hope...

Exactly three months and one day later,

A prayer answered:

http://koinoniakaizelos.blogspot.com/2010/05/lord-im-praying-that-you-will-show.html

I am so thankful for this person in my life and this has been the first time I have actually been approached by someone else, as opposed to me approaching them.

*********

On another note, I officially consider CCF my main fellowship. I am excited for what the year will bring, and will look forward to every single Friday I go!!

As for InterVarsity, I've been having more and more issues and concerns with their style of ministry and my past experiences with them.

Don't get me wrong- IV is a very good quality fellowship. But perhaps it's not for me?

This semester, I'm going to give IV one more chance. If not, then I don't think I'll consider myself a "regular" there anymore.

*********

School has been great so far, and I'm very excited for the upcoming duet recital, concerto competition, and concert chorale performances. I will be a lot. It will be stressful, but so far, the year is looking up significantly from last semester!

Hoping to keep you updated,

-KKZ

Playing Piano Doesn't Mean You're a Musician; Going to Church Doesn't Mean You're a Christian

Plunk, plunk, plunk. Lots of people do it. Some for fun, some for a career, some just to mess around, some to be very serious.

I'm talking about piano, by the way...

I've met more than one person who can plunk out notes, but I would consider them a far cry from being a musician. In fact, many musicians that have lived several decades have seen the Julliard School of Music output several human "robot" pianists, bluntly put. Anyone can punch out a few notes if they sit there and practice for hours upon hours. But making it really musical- playing from a musician's perspective- that is a different story.

*Disclaimer: I'm sorry if you go to Julliard. I'm not hating on the school. And I'm sure the cases I've been told are the exception, not the norm...

The same goes for going to church.

America, founded with a Christian basis, could safely be called a "Christian" country in it's most incipient beginnings. This was because most, if not all of the new settlers belonged to Christianity and took their faith seriously. Now, this might be generalizing a bit too much, because I'm ignoring the separation from the English church and whatnot, but in general, that's kind of it in a nutshell.

Today, if you look at how the church has progressed, you see a good number of pinnacles of success, along with quite a few valleys of failure.

I found it most disappointing to discover that a close friend of mine- a relatively new Christian, but having gone to a church for over 3 years- did not even understand the purpose of Christ or even sin and morals. Yet, he called himself a "believer of Christ." Now I am in no position to judge, because only God has any right to judge. But, the fact that my friend seemed to be so on board with the whole "Christian" thing, was really offset by my discovery that he had no idea what he believed in.

My friend's story is not different from thousands of other Americans out there. And, sadly to say, though I myself have some basic knowledge, I lack soooo much!!

And I guess what's more-- I know [at least generally] what I believe in, but at the moment, am not sure whether or not I believe it. This is something I've been struggling with for the past year- when does circumstance overpower belief. Yes, I know the sunday school answer: It should never. But has that been easy to accept? Of course not. No one said anything about having it easy and being a Christian at the same time...

So, I guess I would have to say that I am very thankful for the mens discipleship group that I am part of this summer. We are studying a book about Christian theology- essentially, knowing why you believe what you believe. (Isn't that a radical idea? lol) While I do admit I've been rather apathetic at times to keep up with the group, it has definitely forced me to reevaluate my priorities. If our faith is a matter of life and death, of God-filled lives or God-less lives, of eternal or temporal significance, then why not put in more time into discovering it?

Of course, it's always easier said than done. And if it were easy to follow Christ in this very tempting world, then I think we would have no need to worry. But, as I've learned from my summer group, "discipleship and following Christ comes at a cost. Grace is free, yes, but it leads to motivation- which means work!"

So what does this post boil down to? I'm not quite sure, but I hope churches in America begin sensing the urgency of this whole degrading situation, and the apathy of so many of its members. In a way, by not addressing this issue, or doing nothing about it, the church is leading it's members into a false sense of security. Yes, they may attend or belong to a church, but is their faith legit? The church body has a purpose to unify the Christian community. Whether the church in America has been doing that? Well, that's really getting sketchy at this point...

As for discovering my faith, it's still a work in progress. And I'm totally willing to admit that, unsugarcoated.

Hopefully yours,

-KKZ

During the last two semesters, I met lot of different people within the christian fellowships at UH, Rice, UT, and A&M. As I got much closer to a lot of them, I got to see the groups of close friends that they all had. Each had a very distinct group of friends that had a very tight bond. In high school, some of them had set up their own bible studies and small groups. Some met as a group several times a week, and perhaps every day in the summer. And when one of the group was missing, everyone called him or her on their cellphone. In other words, the lack of their presence was really, really felt.

It was tough the first two semesters of college because I didn't feel I had a close group. And even at home, it wasn't like my close group of friends at church would get together and do bible studies and stuff like that.

But then after going home last week, I realized just how close and life-long of friends I really had at home. This really hit me on the last day at home, before I headed back to school. Friends from across the metro came to say goodbye, even though they weren't planning to visit the area.

Leaving was definitely tougher this time, as I came to a realization of how much my friends really meant to me. Though my friends may be a thousand miles away, I appreciate them and love them so much more after my first year at college.

To my friends, thank you for sticking with me throughout: the tough times, times of joy, times of pain times of deep sharing, times of great memories- times only the closest of friends can share.

-KKZ