America in the Eyes of an International Student

I recently moved down the hall to escape the prison of reckless and often drunk roommates. My new roommate is a Vietnamese international student. We'll call him "Sam". Now, I've met international students, but none that I've actually lived with or had to really get to know well. Sam is the first. And especially not one that was absolutely foreign to America. In fact, there is not a day when I don't get asked "why do Americans do ____?"

Having lived in America all my life except one year as a baby, Sam made me realize just how desensitized and assimilated I have become in American society.

He asked me "why do you say 'what the heck' or 'oh my god'?"
"Aren't they bad words?"

Even without really knowing the meaning behind the slang, my roommate clearly noticed that something associated with those phrases conveyed something negative. How many times have I said that in the past day? 10 times? a hundred?

All too often, myself included, we all say things without thinking twice. And when confronted about it, we respond by saying "oh, it's no big deal, I don't mean it."

Then what has become of the way humans use language to communicate? If half the stuff we say, we don't mean, then has the purpose of language been disparaged?

This doesn't just extend to language, but our culture, actions and attitudes as human beings. Liberalism is innovative on many levels, yes, but it also leads humans down a very slippery slope with many chances to fall. My roommate not only exemplified an outside example of American language, but also many other aspects of a culture that has gone terribly wrong?

How do you respond to something like "Why do Americans write 'motherf*ck*r' on the desks in my english class? Why are Americans so rude?"

I have yet to read a book I bought at Urbana: "Why the Rest Hates the West." Just the title itself is pretty self-explanatory. It's even more misleading, as so many people from other countries think that America is a "Christian Nation."

Just something to ponder next time you consider what it means to be "American." What can we do about this, on a personal level? Even though you may not affect the rest of the nation, how do people around you view you as a Christian? There is no doubt that you will someday run into a "Sam." How will you be a light to him in the dark world?

Hopefully this post got you thinking about taking on a different perspective- one that is very often overlooked.


-KKZ

Can't take it anymore...

Sometimes, you just have to learn to say "no."

I have never been one to say "no" a lot. So this is just going to be plain hard.

I'm having a lot of trouble trusting God. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do when things get tough.

And I'm also having trouble trusting that I won't be stupid and do stupid things. Like overbooking my schedule so badly that I have to schedule time specifically to "breathe air."

Read part of Job today. I know I'm in an oasis compared to him, but one can't help but relate to him in the slightest. I feel that way tonight. And probably will this whole week.

My post makes no sense. It's been a long day. And I can't even type in the right tenses.
Whatever.

Goodnight.

-KKZ

P.S. I'm sorry that my posts have been neither insightful nor substantial. In fact, looking at the last one, some stranger might think I'm emo. But nevertheless, this is going to be a really hard month...

... more later, when I'm somewhat sane.



**********************
post update: sometimes God speaks quickly and sometimes he speaks slowly. Literally right after I posted this, an answer came.

Dark Hurdles and A Sketchy Road Before Me

It is only because of His grace that I am still functioning.

So many things have come up in the last week that have shattered my sense of reality and sanity.

So many things I am questioning, struggling with- mentally, spiritually, physically- with what seems like no answers.

I am stuck. I am lost. I am frustrated. I am scared.

In a life that is full of suffering, pain, troubles and a world that doesn't understand:

"My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

-"No One Else Knows" (Building 429)

The Life of a Musician: An Unstable Balance

Being a Christian-Musician. Now that's somewhat ironic. And those that are able to be both, props to you!

Sadly, many musicians I know these days are very full of themselves, and even if they are not, they are very independent- to an unhealthy point. So many of my colleagues in the musical realm have also followed the very enticing but dead-end philosophy of "serving the music." What all does that mean? It is true that music is a very powerful phenomenon- almost disturbing. Consider this true case-study:

An elderly man who had an illustrious career as a classical concert pianist became ill with alzheimer's disease. He soon was admitted to an elderly home, where he forgot relative's names and basic things most people remember out of second nature. Yet, one day, they sat him down at a piano and he played like there was no tomorrow.

So, it's understandable how musicians can be entranced by the idea that music is of the "ethereal realm," and that "serving the music" is spiritual enough for them.

Yet, as I went through my first semester of musical study, I realized that this could not be the case. As powerful as music is, it cannot reach higher than it's creator, God. It may seem like a "spiritual thing" to fill the voids of your soul, but in reality, without God, music is as empty and purposeless as a hollow jar.

It's this struggle that Christian musicians must face in order to make sure their priorities do not get all mixed up.

Which brings me to another point. I have struggled throughout my so far short piano career to balance between making myself well-known, and also making my piano playing Christ-centered and humble. In high school, I rarely won competitions. All my colleagues got to play with orchestras, won lots of money, got their name known and seemingly set themselves up to have great futures and careers in music. Now part of this might have been because I didn't focus as hard as I should have?

And recently, I found myself being really happy for a fellow colleague that had won a competition, but yet at the same time, something deep inside of me felt a little jealous and empty.

The pressure with music performance is that you have to "make it big," in order to "make it." All the time, I wonder to myself, if I haven't won a decently prominent competition by the end of my undergrad, what will happen?

While pride may be a big part of this, most of it stems from the insecurities and nature of being a musician. If I don't "make it big," (even in the slightest sense), then I won't be well known as a good performer or teacher. And if I'm not well-known, then I'll never land a job as a good high school or even college professor, which is currently a practical goal of mine. All this fear and doubt has really gotten in the way of what I believe Christ intends for me in terms of being a musician.


So at the moment, I think all I can do is hang on for dear life and pray that God will help me trust him to go in the right direction. In this grueling, cut-throat world of music, it's tough. But if this is what God's plan is for me, then I believe he will show me the way through.

Semester II starting in a few days:

Back to the practice room...


-KKZ

God Works in the Weirdest of Ways...

If only God would have come down at the Urbana missions conference, told me exactly what he wanted, that I would have joy doing it and that this was the purpose for me in my life...

Unfortunately, God doesn't always do this. And forgive me for even asking for a half-baked, easy way out.

Urbana '09 was what I expected, and also not. I knew a lot of missions organizations would be there, but I had no idea how God would use them to speak into my life. In fact, it was very confusing. To top it all off, amidst all the craziness and information overload, I got sick- the worst of it hitting in the middle of the conference.

Throughout this whole thing, I realized that God was speaking to me- not about where I was to serve, per se, but asking me a question: "Are you really willing to serve me?"

Over the course of the week, I had made close friends with my roommates, and it felt weird at the end of the conference when they all left. Being sick the whole week, I couldn't participate or focus very well on anything. I felt really guilty during the night where we were supposed to eat a meal of pita bread and beans to represent the hunger of the world. That was the day I felt most sick, and I kept thinking about my own needs- just how much water I needed to drink or how much decent food I should eat- to stay healthy!! And most sadly of all, I felt guilty for not being able to practice that week. Of all things?? Seriously?!?

I realized there are so many things I refuse to let go of- my structured piano studies, my comfort, my friends and my life. Also at Urbana, I think I was really close-minded about missions. I didn't truly let God work through the conference to let me gain a new perspective of missions. At the conference, there are "seminars" you can chose from that detail missions in different perspectives: the arts & communication, poverty, social issues, health care, evangelism and many others. I look back on the week and see that I closed my mind off very quickly when I saw "arts & communication." There were two arts seminars I attended. Being an artist, I thought, "of course these will be the right thing for me."

I found absolutely nothing in the first seminar, which was about worship, and while I found something related to using performance as a way to share Christ in the second seminar, it confused me more than helped me.

What I learned from the second seminar was that the arts are not a direct way to share Christ's love (unless of course, you are singing worship music). While through the arts, there are many doors and powerful opportunities opened, sharing the Gospel will usually be an "in between performances" thing. This whole concept confused me as to whether or not God wanted me to look here in the first place.

Thankfully, I don't see Urbana as a loss. I think it was necessary that God made me think about the facets of my life I identified heavily with. What am I and should I be willing to do in order to serve Christ fully? I believe that this is the first step for me when thinking about fulfilling the Great Commission, even before putting one foot out into that missions field.

One particular story about a ministry I looked into at Urbana: CTI Music Ministries (Carpenter's Tools International). My friend had played with them before in an overseas missions trip. This organization compiles a group of musically talented Christians and forms a band that trains and goes overseas to play concerts. At first, I was very excited that God might have been opening up a door that had to do with both missions and my major. But then, after auditioning, two things happened: First, I realized that they don't just play worship music, but also pop music in order to attract young concert-goers (not like really bad pop music- like h.s. musical and stuff like that...). The second thing that happened, though, was really more of a blatant sign that maybe it wasn't what God was calling me to. A few days after my audition (which was on a really crappy 3.5 octave keyboard recorded on a digital camera), I got an email saying that a bunch of files on the camera had corrupted, and that my audition was one of them.

Coincidence? Probably not...
Whether or not I should send in another audition cd? Not sure. But one thing's for sure, I know God intended for it to happen to show me that what I think is best is not always what He plans.


As we learned at Urbana: "We are all called to missions!"
Outside of my immediate surroundings and relationships, where? I'm not sure. But for sure, I have to pray that God will make me surrender to Him fully before he can fully use me.

Peter says in Acts 2:38- "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit..."

"... Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day, they continued to meet in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." -Acts 2:45-47

Submit your heart first to Christ, and then He will use you.



Wishing you a blessed and fruitful 2010,


Koinōnia kai Zēlos

Idols, Identity and Introspection- An End of Semester Reflection

"What do we identify in? Is it in your major? In your accomplishments? Your talents?"

These were the questions posed at the InterVarsity fall retreat.

If you had asked me my answer early this semester? :

music
friends

running

music

intervarsity

ccf

music

music

music.........

This semester, as I struggled to realize my identity, many other issues came up that I realized were taking precedence. It wasn't until some of my friends and mentors brought this up, that I even thought about this. In the back of my head, I always knew music was a big part of my life. But what I had not realized is that what I identify most with is also what I prioritize highest. Now- don't get me wrong- I identify in Christ too, but this semester- the trials, struggles, and even the joys- showed me that I don't prioritize Him as #1 like I should.

Why might music move up the ranks to settle on such a high priority? It is because of its nature. Day after day, the music school engrains my head with the idea of "perfectionism." Every little detail counts. It's SO easy as a musician to get lost in the music because of the never ending cycle of seeking perfection- to SERVE the music (as my former piano teacher would say). And while that makes music so much more worth it to pursue, it also scares me at the same time. "You are what you eat," as they say. Who am I SERVING? That is my prayer and hopefully my focus- that I would come to realize the question's significance- these next several years in music school.

*****

So, the thoughts and lessons learned from the past 4 months?

I have been blessed incredibly with amazing friendships and mentors. I can't emphasize "incredible" enough! To have friends that are selfless, sacrificial, caring, loving- I see Christ through how they have blessed me. Everything from rides to the dry cleaners to hosting me at their house and sharing openly their deepest personal struggles while also listening to mine.

Financially, I have been incredibly blessed as well. I hardly payed for school this year, and I will probably get paid to go to school next year. Not having to work has helped me focus on being able to tackle my music much better, especially with my injury.

About my injury: over dozen doctors, physical therapists and specialists, and 2 years later... I finally met a doctor that knew how to diagnose my problem. My previous one had come close, but didn't give me the right treatment. The fact that it took me moving down to Texas to go to school, having my injury reoccur, not having out-of-state insurance, and having to deal with most of it alone without parents- and having God still be able to heal me, is against a lot of odds! It has really showed me that God works in ways that we can't imagine. Not only that, but God also made me appreciate music more. If I had not had this hurdle, I wouldn't treasure fully the time I AM actually able to practice or perform. Plus, I have possibly the most compassionate, musical, down-to-earth teacher in the world- and I don't hesitate to say it: quite the opposite of my high school teacher, and exactly what I was looking for.

Dealing with people: I'm not even going to start on how many things went wrong with my wild roommates, but it was a huge struggle not to blow up or get really angry at them. I never had people I really, really disliked- until this semester. Learning to be patient and show Christ's love (they knew I was a Christian), was something that I had to learn, even when I wanted to yell and point fingers.


My identity in Christ: How important is it really to you, that Christ gave his life for you? Does that make you want to identify in Him? Have a burning passion and desire for Him? Serve Him?
I see all my friends who don't know Christ- how much of what they do is the same as myself, except without an eternal purpose. Now, I'm not trying to put myself above them- I am no better than them. In fact, if anything, I feel the greater need to share about Christ so that they too can experience the same. But just how important your life in Christ is- that's what counts. This semester, I saw a lot of people that identified in Christ over all other things, and it was extremely encouraging. Their faith is what caused them to be able to sacrifice "worldly things" that most people hold on to tightly because it is their only purpose in this life.

This semester, I shared one of my deepest struggles with two of my mentors. I was confused, hurting, lost in sin, bothered and so much more because I had held it in for many years and was so ashamed of it that I couldn't tell anyone. Since they didn't struggle with the same thing, I expected a very generic answer without a lot of understanding or insight. Instead, they said something incredibly profound: "We struggle with a lot of sin, but it is not sin that makes your identity. If you make Christ your identity, then the sin will be taken care of. No matter what it is, put Christ first, and the rest will follow." I am still struggling, and probably will be struggling with this for a very long time, but it is encouraging to know that I have the ability to seek a cure. One that is Christ.

Questioning faith: The one class I keep coming back to, Human Situation- does not address the human situation at all. It bashes and questions the supernatural, divine and everything else that goes along with faith and religion. Hundreds of times, I found myself sucked into that class, unable to refute what the professor were trying to engrain into my head because I knew deep inside that I did not really know what I believe as well as I should. Which brings about the importance of learning about why you believe what you believe. In college, it is not your parent's faith; it is not your pastor's faith; it is YOUR faith. That is why people choose to follow Christ or leave Christ in college. I wish, so hard, that I took all the bible lessons, memorizing bible verses and sunday school so much more seriously back in high school. Hundreds of times, I find myself unable to pull out verses when I need them, or when I'm sharing the Gospel, to be able to refer to the bible. If there's one thing I learned, it's to start taking it seriously and really get into the Word more. There are so many applications, and you just can't afford to ignore them.

Letting go of grades: In high school, I killed myself over an A- or B+. I worked as hard as I could to make sure that wouldn't happen. I thought that if you didn't get an "A," you would not get into a good college and your life would be screwed over. So, you can imagine why when I received my gpa of a B+ this semester, I felt a little shocked. Yet, I realized it was time to let go and not freak out or worry- as long as I tried my best.

Being independent: I wasn't overly reliant on my parents in high school, but I realized really how much they did for me when I did need help. Now a thousand miles away, they couldn't help and I couldn't ask for help either. When stuff got overwhelming I just had to suck it up and deal. In fact, even when I called home, my parents sometimes wouldn't really advise me at all for anything. At first I thought they were just being hard on me, but by the end of the semester, I realized I couldn't do things always relying on people. A lot of things I had to take care of myself. The more I got frustrated, the more my Christian friends and mentors turned me towards God for my answers. That's exactly what I needed...
Talking with some of my friends that stayed in-state for college, I feel like I learned many times more because I went to college out-of-state.

I pray that God will continue to use amazing people in my life to encourage me, and that I can someday encourage people in the same way that they have encouraged me. It's not a coincidence that I ended up at UH. So many things happened that only point to God's work within my life. The very place I hated (Texas) turned into one of my life's biggest blessings, where I learned so many lessons and experienced God in so many ways- more than I could ever ask for.

Is there any more I can say?


-Koinonia kai Zelos

Soon, soon...

It's been a long time, and God has placed a lot on my heart to share.

But, it's saturday night and getting up for church is more important, so until then....

-KKZ