Deep Crisis

It is said that some 7 out 10 high school students leave their faith once they enter college.

"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler


And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:

What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?


All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.

Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?



Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.

I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...



You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...

Music, Homosexuality, and Christians

Warning: Very Charged Post

*Disclaimer: If you can't read politically charged,very opinionated, or very controversial posts of very sarcastic nature, without getting upset, then please don't read on.

*Disclaimer #2: I see homosexuality as influenced by environmental and childhood factors in addition to a certain degree of choice. Whether or not you or I believe in a gay "gene," though, is irrelevant in this post.

*******

I have many friends who are either gay, in the closet, or dealing with the idea of being gay. In fact, I am surrounded by them. By a rudimentary estimate, one-third of the guys in my music school are gay. The more I get to know each one, the more I see a pattern.

For example:

Friend #1: Dad was deported as a kid. Grew up on his own. Brother is gay.
Friend #2: Mom divorced and remarried for the third time. Sexually abused as a kid. Childhood dad living far away, little contact. Second dad, mistreated family.
Friend #3: Father passed away from cancer. Mother developed cancer. Now living on his own.
Friend #4: Father always working, not one to show much affection. No help from his church, though very involved with it.
Friend #5: Insecure, lack of male figures or close male friends in his life. Grew up being laughed at for the things he did, because they were "girly."

And it goes on and on and on and on and on....


You look at all the cases, and yes- each one is different, but look at the trend. It has to do with the male role model. How many of in this sad society can say they have a great relationship with their dad? A few I'm sure, but not many..

For those of you guys who are reading this and may someday become fathers-- I BEG you to please love your children!! How one is raised determines much later in his life. Be good father figures; Be healthy role models-- This is regardless of your views on homosexuality.


*******

What I am upset about is how Christians treat this topic and people involved with it.

Yeah I personally believe it's inherently a choice. But,

JUST HOW MUCH OF A CHOICE DO YOU THINK IT IS? Christians as a majority, all over the place, shoot down homosexuality right away without thinking about it. Do you really think it's a choice when the male figures in your life sexually abused you? Do you really think it's a choice when your father was not there for you? Didn't show you love? Do you really think it's a choice that echoes of a taunting childhood memory resound "haha... you don't play sports... you must be gay?"?

BULLSHIT.


Thanks Dad- for having a personal philosophy in ministry, where you condemn first before you consider. For choosing to minster to some but not others because "that is what I feel comfortable with at the moment..."

Thanks Pastors- for shying away from this topic in your churches. From assuming that everything can be swept under the rug. For condemning without helping.

Thanks Church- for being so ineffective at helping people, that they have to go to outside places for help- even help of non-homosexual issues- because they feel like they aren't accepted. For condemning certain people to the point where they shut themselves down to any mention of certain trigger words or stereotypes.

Thanks homophobic, ultra-conservative, right-wing Christians- for being so adamant about "righteousness" that the second the prefix "homo-" is mentioned, an automatic wall of condemnation rises up. Or for being so freaked out by homosexuals that it is thought they are a different "animal" than human.

Thanks for the rest of you Christians, who aren't ultra-conservatives- for assuming that this can be dealt by, as just "another sin-" and stopping at that. And for being shocked or uncomfortable to hear about the whole topic anyway.

Thanks society- for portraying an image of social taboo and lines that ought not to be crossed by one "type of people" by another "type of people."

Thanks culture- for establishing stereotypical gender roles that portray men as "macho" and "super buff." I guess those that don't fit the stereotype should be considered effeminate and gay?

Thanks America- for being so liberal, that you can even argue your way out of reality and absolutes. You're falling off a thousand foot cliff into your own doom.




To all my homosexual friends out there: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm sorry that I have to deal with this. I'm sorry that the world just sucks and that life is confusing. I'm sorry that the puzzle just can't be complete. I'm sorry that there just can't be an easy answer to life's problems. I'm sorry that some of you are still struggling. Why do you even have to deal with this issue at all?


Some things in life just don't have answers. And that's exactly where this post ends. Without one.

A bitter, sorry, depressing end.

White Sheet of Paper, Streaked

A line.

Divides.
Defines.
Distinguishes.
Marks.
Separates.

A bi-tonal water color in it's earliest stages of creation.

Raw.
Separated.
Two distinct sections.

An artist's brush.

Bristled and dispersing.
Blending.
Lines together.
Tones together.

My life. A line. Now blended.

Fighting: A Free Verse Poem

Three issues, all connected. These are the subjects of my poem.

Words so shallow, so inept.
How can I express it?
What do you say when no one gets it-
Yourself, immovable, implacable.

I'm fighting to separate.
I'm fighting to articulate.
I'm fighting to reconcile.
I'm fighting- but to what avail?
__

My mind, what's left in a mere figment of sanity,
My life, an overturned plea opposing vanity,
My self, seemingly a robot with "manual" decapitated,
My perception, much more than complicated.

And yet, I'm not fighting.
How can I?
The world at my doorstep is so misleading.
Why is the norm my bad?

__

And yet again- The cardboard boxes,
The clandestine walls,
The legalistic chains of society,
The misty facade of humanity- Binding me away.

I am confused.
I am the skeptic that I chose to disassociate with.
I thought I knew the truth.
But do I?

Owning Up to Helplessness

This post will seem paradoxical and coded with hidden meaning because it is as complicated as my situation:

In the past four days, I have fallen asleep to my nightmare world that was my last post.
I wish I would awaken and realize that it was just a dream, a bad dream.

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

This is one of the best spring breaks I've had in my life. I've gotten to be with the friends I love and do some really memorable things. But, inside, the consequences of last week still resonate within my head. As much as I am satisfied, as it seems, for the moment, I know that deep inside, I am only hiding the scar that I refuse to reveal.

After break, I realize I need to own up to my mentors. How will they react?
Will they judge? Will they disconnect their relationship with me?

Unfortunately, I can't go through life holding this burden inside of me, as ugly as it is. Something so ugly-- that I considered ending my life last week because of it.

I felt guilty, but that didn't stop the root problem or the recurring symptoms.
I worried about the medical consequences, but yet, the reality dulled quickly.
I thought about death, but I wasn't sure if I would meet it soon.
I thought about the people I had been sharing Christ with- the people I was pursuing right now, but I wasn't sure if I could continue without feeling like a poser.
I felt a disconnection from my faith, but I couldn't bring myself to address it.
I'm currently happy, but have no joy.

In the end, my dad also found out about the underlying issue, as I had previously hinted to it, though unintentionally. He offered to talk with me, but, I feel like it is my dad that is partly the cause of this.

I'm done with lying and deceit and creating a facade that only buries me deeper into the hole I have dug for myself.

The emotional side of my life is recovering, but yet my life as a whole, especially spiritually, is more of a mess than ever. I feel Christ-less, I feel empty, and I feel apathetic.


I need help. I have to own up, but why is it so hard?
Unfortunately, I trust no one, and even the ones I trust, I doubt will know how to help me.

Help?
Except none of you understand, except one person. And that one person can't help.

Help...

Failure On a Dozen Levels

I am ashamed.
I am hopeless.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
I have felt loss.
I feel disgusting.
I cannot believe myself.
I feel like a hypocrite and fake.
I'm not sure I can call myself a Chistian.
I don't want to remember what happened yesterday.
I wish I could rewind and totally redo yesterday all over again.
I wish that my retarded human self wouldn't be so demanding and uncontrollable.


As I thought about how worthless my life was, I sat on my bed, ready to cry myself to sleep. Then I remembered the book that my parents had given me last week and strongly encouraged me to read. It is titled "Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes." I only read the foreword, which said, "Without a doubt, you have great worth in His eyes."

But even after THIS?

I feel like I can now relate to people who wonder that with even the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that God would still love them and see them as worth something.

At this moment, I don't feel that way. There is a lot of personal reconciliation I have to do before I can even accept that this happened.


Even if you're one of my close friends, don't be offended if I don't feel like talking to you about what this post is about just yet. It may take a couple of months. There is a deep scar that has developed inside me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share with anyone. Just pray that I will find healing in the right way. And trust me, it's going to take a lot.


I haven't gone to bible study, Intervarsity, or met with my mentors for weeks and weeks. Nor have I done my devotions or read my bible in a long, long time. I feel church is not applicable to me, and feel like I only go because my friends go... Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Plus, Sunday School is too long and not even that interesting or applicable. I hear lectures enough during the week anyway.
I have not practiced enough piano worth a crap, and I'm ridiculously behind in reading for all my classes- 7 freaking weeks behind in one of them!


I hate my life. I feel detached with God. And I feel guilty.

I am screwed. I am doubting. I am an idiot. I have made bad choices.

Midterms next week. Already behind, and now, I can't focus...

lost, lost, lost...

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Far, far away from here, I'll tell you that much.

FML. or rather, F my stupid decisions and stupid self.


Spring Break please come faster, or I'll die!

Uneasiness for the Future...

So call me paranoid, but I'm worried about my apartment next year. After what seems like a dozen rooming adjustments, the ball has finally settled. I am rooming with a random guy I don't know, and I know one of my apartmentmates half-decently. The other one drinks some (hopefully not a deja vu of last semester) and is very "close" (yes, in that sense) to his girlfriend. The environment is not exactly quiet, and generally, I was a little weirded out that my apartmentmate found me a random roommate so quickly and without really telling me.

But it's all college life right?

Wouldn't it be different if you knew how this would turn out in the end? That's exactly what discussion in my humanities class was about the past week or two. How do we know that we have free-will? Are we robots that think we have free-will but actually don't? A conclusion I came to was that we should act the way we do based on the fact that we don't know the future.

I'm a natural worrier. That is good in the sense that I am always prepared, but that is bad because it makes me stress out when I realize what I can't prepare for. After my friend called me and told me the roommate situation was officially set in stone, I thought to myself "oh crap!" But then, a very eerie feeling came over me. Not in a bad way, but in a soothing way, almost. A thought came to mind that God has a purpose for everything He does.

In Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."

Time and again, though I usually choose to fight it or ignore it, the purpose is still there. In this situation, I see everything that could go wrong, but God sees everything that could go right. In a way, it is as tough as addressing questions such as "why would God allow the Haitian and Chilean earthquakes?"

But, as mere human minds, we cannot comprehend the vastness of this. I was talking to my roommate about this last week. He was an intellectualist that had a lot of trouble accepting that God was real.

God really prompted me to respond to him in this way: "Just as we know there is a finite value to finding the integral to infinite limits in calculus, we know God is absolute- all powerful and in control of our perceptions of the events and world around us. We know there is an absolute truth because the subjective has no standard in which it is based, and yet still leads to opposing sides. Would you agree that there is either 'cold' or 'hot', and not something else like 'peanut butter?' Something is either moving faster or slower on the molecular level, not something totally irrelevant. Regardless of whether you think it is actually cold or hot, the fact is, there are two absolutes: faster or slower molecular motion. And those have an absolute too, as seen by the concept of absolute zero."

God is in absolute control. I realize I pretty much said that in my last post, but this post was a better organization of my thoughts. Plus, I just talked until 5 AM with my apartmentmate that I know well, and he made me realize just how big of a deal this was.
And over the next few months as those doubts and worries flood my head, I am going to need to beat that concept in. If I don't, the same thing that has happened to me all year will happen again- I will forget about God and try to do things by myself. As I've seen many times-- something that is all too dangerous to toy with.


-KKZ