America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and the Victim of Ethnic Destruction

I love America. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have it any other way. Compared to somewhere like, say, China, it's a ton cleaner, there are less people and you have more rights. In fact, what I'm about to write isn't 100% applicable to every person. But I believe it affects everyone to a certain degree.

There. That was my disclaimer, and that being said: a land like America has potential for problems. And no, I'm not just talking oil spills and abortion issues.

Recently I was talking with an Asian friend and he was telling me about how he grew up in a white neighborhood, and how he didn't really get along with his parents. On top of all this, he understood very little about the Asian culture because his parents had taken on the "American-White" style of living. On top of all this, he had a very bad experience going back to his home country, where his grandparents just yelled at him and made him go to school in the summer (since Asian countries have schedules different than ours). So overall, he felt very uncomfortable in any setting consisting of a bunch of Asians. He was much more comfortable around white people.

The question that went through my mind is: How can one feel uncomfortable around people their own type!?!

Now that question may be too naive in nature, but in my experience, and with others' experiences, I have come to realize the norm of society is the concept that "like-begets-like." I suppose there might be some childhood trauma or disgust involved with my friend, but I don't think it even borderlines abuse in terms of being a "turn-off" to people like him. I guess it's also an identity crisis. Not having been reinforced with who you are early in life can often lead to confusion about who you are and who you interact with later in life. Not saying that it is all bad- often people who develop like this can be very open minded to things like other ethnicities. Yet, I feel they lose a sense of their own internal ethnic identity.

Growing up in a relatively traditional Asian family, I guess I really do have a bias, and I assume that all Asians that are in my generation have grown up with their parents' traditional influences. My grandma always said to me "marry a Chinese woman; Chinese people are good; stay together with your fellow Chinese people, they understand you best." Stuff like that. Not that I'm going to necessarily follow any of that. Yet, talking with my friend made me realize not everyone was like that and how America was slowly trending towards a loss of ethnic identity.

What does it mean to be an American? I hope it certainly doesn't mean to forgo or forget about one's roots. Unfortunately, more and more people are becoming complacent or apathetic about their roots. Something, which could end up being very dangerous in the future of America's ethnic diversity...

Just something to consider and think about!!

-KKZ

Being Depressed is No Fun...

Some Music Theory for you....

So in music, there are these things called "hemiolas."

Essentially, the best way to explain it to someone who doesn't already know what they are is this:

Think of common factors in math. (Yes, there is math involved. This is why Music Theory replaces a math course =) )

Multiples of two (broken into threes): 0 2 4,6 . 8 . 10,12...
Multiples of three (broken into twos): 0 3,6 9,12 15,18...

The common factors in both multiples represent the "beats" where the accents of the rhythms are felt. The least amount of measures to compare one full overlapping cycle of these "common beat denominators" is two. Every time the cycles overlap, is where the downbeat of the measure is. If you subdivide the multiples of 3, you get sets of two (duples), and if you subdivide the multiples of 2, you get sets of three (triples). Also, the time signature of a piece is important in determining the type of hemiola. For example, playing music that is in triple time, a hemiola within the music would make you feel three duple rhythms over an elongated period in two measures, as opposed to two "normal" triple rhythms in two measures of triple time.

This 3-against-2 hemiola is very common, but there are certainly ridiculous ones that could potentially go 3-against-4, or 5-against-3. There is a contemporary piano etude written by Gyorgy Ligeti, which is essentially an unpredictably changing hemiola. The right hand barline is offset by one beat every single measure, so the downbeat for both hands never matches until the end.

Confused yet? Subdivision, music theory, analysis, scrutiny? Is music supposed to be this complicated?

And this is only one concept out of dozens that you have to pick out in two measures, of a piece that could be hundreds and hundreds of measures long. Plus, it doesn't include control of touch, technical execution, control of dynamics, observance of tone color, articulation, and the two measures' place in the structure of the piece as a whole. Now you know why pianists spend hours in the practice room!!! It isn't just to play our music through hundreds of times until we are bored out of our mind, it's to work on small details like this...

And as my former piano teacher would agree, yes complicated, but mechanical, definitely not!!

"Play it like music, not a hemiola. I don't like labeling!"

-Joe Zins

As musicians, what is the extent of our music analysis? One can argue that no knowledge and all "heart" will make you lose the structure of the music you are trying to convey. On the other hand, one could argue that too much knowledge could lead to mechanical "heartless" playing that seems more "computer" than human.

Where's the balance?

Hmm... I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I get to that point.

KKZ

Lord, I'm praying that you will show yourself through someone in Houston this summer. Someone to comfort me. Someone to open up to. Someone who will give me a kick and tell me to wake up. Someone to help me out of the grave I'm digging for myself.

I know it's not impossible...

I pray this in genuine earnest, and believe that you will provide if it is what you want.


Begging for His mercy,

KKZ

Deep Crisis

It is said that some 7 out 10 high school students leave their faith once they enter college.

"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler


And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:

What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?


All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.

Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?



Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.

I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...



You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...

Music, Homosexuality, and Christians

Warning: Very Charged Post

*Disclaimer: If you can't read politically charged,very opinionated, or very controversial posts of very sarcastic nature, without getting upset, then please don't read on.

*Disclaimer #2: I see homosexuality as influenced by environmental and childhood factors in addition to a certain degree of choice. Whether or not you or I believe in a gay "gene," though, is irrelevant in this post.

*******

I have many friends who are either gay, in the closet, or dealing with the idea of being gay. In fact, I am surrounded by them. By a rudimentary estimate, one-third of the guys in my music school are gay. The more I get to know each one, the more I see a pattern.

For example:

Friend #1: Dad was deported as a kid. Grew up on his own. Brother is gay.
Friend #2: Mom divorced and remarried for the third time. Sexually abused as a kid. Childhood dad living far away, little contact. Second dad, mistreated family.
Friend #3: Father passed away from cancer. Mother developed cancer. Now living on his own.
Friend #4: Father always working, not one to show much affection. No help from his church, though very involved with it.
Friend #5: Insecure, lack of male figures or close male friends in his life. Grew up being laughed at for the things he did, because they were "girly."

And it goes on and on and on and on and on....


You look at all the cases, and yes- each one is different, but look at the trend. It has to do with the male role model. How many of in this sad society can say they have a great relationship with their dad? A few I'm sure, but not many..

For those of you guys who are reading this and may someday become fathers-- I BEG you to please love your children!! How one is raised determines much later in his life. Be good father figures; Be healthy role models-- This is regardless of your views on homosexuality.


*******

What I am upset about is how Christians treat this topic and people involved with it.

Yeah I personally believe it's inherently a choice. But,

JUST HOW MUCH OF A CHOICE DO YOU THINK IT IS? Christians as a majority, all over the place, shoot down homosexuality right away without thinking about it. Do you really think it's a choice when the male figures in your life sexually abused you? Do you really think it's a choice when your father was not there for you? Didn't show you love? Do you really think it's a choice that echoes of a taunting childhood memory resound "haha... you don't play sports... you must be gay?"?

BULLSHIT.


Thanks Dad- for having a personal philosophy in ministry, where you condemn first before you consider. For choosing to minster to some but not others because "that is what I feel comfortable with at the moment..."

Thanks Pastors- for shying away from this topic in your churches. From assuming that everything can be swept under the rug. For condemning without helping.

Thanks Church- for being so ineffective at helping people, that they have to go to outside places for help- even help of non-homosexual issues- because they feel like they aren't accepted. For condemning certain people to the point where they shut themselves down to any mention of certain trigger words or stereotypes.

Thanks homophobic, ultra-conservative, right-wing Christians- for being so adamant about "righteousness" that the second the prefix "homo-" is mentioned, an automatic wall of condemnation rises up. Or for being so freaked out by homosexuals that it is thought they are a different "animal" than human.

Thanks for the rest of you Christians, who aren't ultra-conservatives- for assuming that this can be dealt by, as just "another sin-" and stopping at that. And for being shocked or uncomfortable to hear about the whole topic anyway.

Thanks society- for portraying an image of social taboo and lines that ought not to be crossed by one "type of people" by another "type of people."

Thanks culture- for establishing stereotypical gender roles that portray men as "macho" and "super buff." I guess those that don't fit the stereotype should be considered effeminate and gay?

Thanks America- for being so liberal, that you can even argue your way out of reality and absolutes. You're falling off a thousand foot cliff into your own doom.




To all my homosexual friends out there: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm sorry that I have to deal with this. I'm sorry that the world just sucks and that life is confusing. I'm sorry that the puzzle just can't be complete. I'm sorry that there just can't be an easy answer to life's problems. I'm sorry that some of you are still struggling. Why do you even have to deal with this issue at all?


Some things in life just don't have answers. And that's exactly where this post ends. Without one.

A bitter, sorry, depressing end.

White Sheet of Paper, Streaked

A line.

Divides.
Defines.
Distinguishes.
Marks.
Separates.

A bi-tonal water color in it's earliest stages of creation.

Raw.
Separated.
Two distinct sections.

An artist's brush.

Bristled and dispersing.
Blending.
Lines together.
Tones together.

My life. A line. Now blended.