During the last two semesters, I met lot of different people within the christian fellowships at UH, Rice, UT, and A&M. As I got much closer to a lot of them, I got to see the groups of close friends that they all had. Each had a very distinct group of friends that had a very tight bond. In high school, some of them had set up their own bible studies and small groups. Some met as a group several times a week, and perhaps every day in the summer. And when one of the group was missing, everyone called him or her on their cellphone. In other words, the lack of their presence was really, really felt.

It was tough the first two semesters of college because I didn't feel I had a close group. And even at home, it wasn't like my close group of friends at church would get together and do bible studies and stuff like that.

But then after going home last week, I realized just how close and life-long of friends I really had at home. This really hit me on the last day at home, before I headed back to school. Friends from across the metro came to say goodbye, even though they weren't planning to visit the area.

Leaving was definitely tougher this time, as I came to a realization of how much my friends really meant to me. Though my friends may be a thousand miles away, I appreciate them and love them so much more after my first year at college.

To my friends, thank you for sticking with me throughout: the tough times, times of joy, times of pain times of deep sharing, times of great memories- times only the closest of friends can share.

-KKZ

Music AND Classical- WHAT?!?

So the longer I've been in music school, the more I realize how difficult of a major it is. Most people come up to you after they've found out that you're a music major and they say,
"Wow, so you just sit around all day and play piano? That's it?"

"Yessir. That's it. Nothing to it."

But of course, I also get the opposite reaction too. But in general, most people disparage the work that goes into being a musician. Not necessary just piano- but any instrument.

For a good number of us musicians, we are going to school to study just as long as a medical student would studying to become a doctor. In fact, in order to pursue what my mind is currently set on, I will be required to earn a Doctorate of Musical Arts degree. That's just as many years as those med-school students! (aka I'll be OLD when I'm done)

But, I guess of all things that annoy me- one thing really sticks out like a sore thumb: The people that turn their noses up when they look at my ipod and see that over 50% of my music is classical- 6.1 days worth of it if you play it straight through.

-----
Music is draining. It's emotionally draining, physically difficult to facilitate, incomprehensibly complex, architecturally structured, and massively broad in repertoire.

Of course, if I was actually complaining, then I wouldn't call myself music major anymore. I play because I love it, not because of anything else.

It's just rather frustrating to see people so naïve about classical music. Talking to my friend Scott about music, he said something that really made sense, "classical music is the foundation for all other types of music! Where do you think all your jazz musicians came from, or your pop musicians? Well, most of the good ones were classically trained at first!!"

Now I realize there is some negative connotation with classical- in that it was heavily associated with the rich snobs and royalty of the past. (Often kings and queens would force composers to write music in "their honor," and in the past, only the rich could afford phonographs and classical records or attend concerts). But judging the music off the culture of society doesn't truly exemplify the essence of the music. Even though Mozart was forced to write for royalty, does that demean the artistry he incorporated into his music? The music still stands on its own.

I guess that's a big reason I don't like some of the mainstream music out there today. It's so heavily influenced by looks and culture. If you took it all away, and just took the music as is- there would be a LOT of stupid music out there. Yeah, it's catchy. Yeah, I'd probably dance to it. But do I think it's the most thought out, quality stuff out there? No. And don't get me on the "oh, but you're being subjective." THINK about it. The music without the "Lady Gaga" clothing culture and sexualized glam. No music vids and no mass-mediation. Is it quite the same without? Can it stand without all the hype?

The answer: probably not.

So... YES I DO listen to classical music. YES it dominates my ipod. And YES, I think it is cool.

Is that a problem?



-KKZ

America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and the Victim of Ethnic Destruction

I love America. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have it any other way. Compared to somewhere like, say, China, it's a ton cleaner, there are less people and you have more rights. In fact, what I'm about to write isn't 100% applicable to every person. But I believe it affects everyone to a certain degree.

There. That was my disclaimer, and that being said: a land like America has potential for problems. And no, I'm not just talking oil spills and abortion issues.

Recently I was talking with an Asian friend and he was telling me about how he grew up in a white neighborhood, and how he didn't really get along with his parents. On top of all this, he understood very little about the Asian culture because his parents had taken on the "American-White" style of living. On top of all this, he had a very bad experience going back to his home country, where his grandparents just yelled at him and made him go to school in the summer (since Asian countries have schedules different than ours). So overall, he felt very uncomfortable in any setting consisting of a bunch of Asians. He was much more comfortable around white people.

The question that went through my mind is: How can one feel uncomfortable around people their own type!?!

Now that question may be too naive in nature, but in my experience, and with others' experiences, I have come to realize the norm of society is the concept that "like-begets-like." I suppose there might be some childhood trauma or disgust involved with my friend, but I don't think it even borderlines abuse in terms of being a "turn-off" to people like him. I guess it's also an identity crisis. Not having been reinforced with who you are early in life can often lead to confusion about who you are and who you interact with later in life. Not saying that it is all bad- often people who develop like this can be very open minded to things like other ethnicities. Yet, I feel they lose a sense of their own internal ethnic identity.

Growing up in a relatively traditional Asian family, I guess I really do have a bias, and I assume that all Asians that are in my generation have grown up with their parents' traditional influences. My grandma always said to me "marry a Chinese woman; Chinese people are good; stay together with your fellow Chinese people, they understand you best." Stuff like that. Not that I'm going to necessarily follow any of that. Yet, talking with my friend made me realize not everyone was like that and how America was slowly trending towards a loss of ethnic identity.

What does it mean to be an American? I hope it certainly doesn't mean to forgo or forget about one's roots. Unfortunately, more and more people are becoming complacent or apathetic about their roots. Something, which could end up being very dangerous in the future of America's ethnic diversity...

Just something to consider and think about!!

-KKZ

Being Depressed is No Fun...

Some Music Theory for you....

So in music, there are these things called "hemiolas."

Essentially, the best way to explain it to someone who doesn't already know what they are is this:

Think of common factors in math. (Yes, there is math involved. This is why Music Theory replaces a math course =) )

Multiples of two (broken into threes): 0 2 4,6 . 8 . 10,12...
Multiples of three (broken into twos): 0 3,6 9,12 15,18...

The common factors in both multiples represent the "beats" where the accents of the rhythms are felt. The least amount of measures to compare one full overlapping cycle of these "common beat denominators" is two. Every time the cycles overlap, is where the downbeat of the measure is. If you subdivide the multiples of 3, you get sets of two (duples), and if you subdivide the multiples of 2, you get sets of three (triples). Also, the time signature of a piece is important in determining the type of hemiola. For example, playing music that is in triple time, a hemiola within the music would make you feel three duple rhythms over an elongated period in two measures, as opposed to two "normal" triple rhythms in two measures of triple time.

This 3-against-2 hemiola is very common, but there are certainly ridiculous ones that could potentially go 3-against-4, or 5-against-3. There is a contemporary piano etude written by Gyorgy Ligeti, which is essentially an unpredictably changing hemiola. The right hand barline is offset by one beat every single measure, so the downbeat for both hands never matches until the end.

Confused yet? Subdivision, music theory, analysis, scrutiny? Is music supposed to be this complicated?

And this is only one concept out of dozens that you have to pick out in two measures, of a piece that could be hundreds and hundreds of measures long. Plus, it doesn't include control of touch, technical execution, control of dynamics, observance of tone color, articulation, and the two measures' place in the structure of the piece as a whole. Now you know why pianists spend hours in the practice room!!! It isn't just to play our music through hundreds of times until we are bored out of our mind, it's to work on small details like this...

And as my former piano teacher would agree, yes complicated, but mechanical, definitely not!!

"Play it like music, not a hemiola. I don't like labeling!"

-Joe Zins

As musicians, what is the extent of our music analysis? One can argue that no knowledge and all "heart" will make you lose the structure of the music you are trying to convey. On the other hand, one could argue that too much knowledge could lead to mechanical "heartless" playing that seems more "computer" than human.

Where's the balance?

Hmm... I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I get to that point.

KKZ

Lord, I'm praying that you will show yourself through someone in Houston this summer. Someone to comfort me. Someone to open up to. Someone who will give me a kick and tell me to wake up. Someone to help me out of the grave I'm digging for myself.

I know it's not impossible...

I pray this in genuine earnest, and believe that you will provide if it is what you want.


Begging for His mercy,

KKZ

Deep Crisis

It is said that some 7 out 10 high school students leave their faith once they enter college.

"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler


And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:

What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?


All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.

Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?



Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.

I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...



You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...