Chinese Bitter Melons Don't Taste This Bitter...

This blog is supposed to be about a journey of struggles,thoughts, joys, praises,fellowship, passion, thankfulness, reflection and action....

Well right now, this one is going to be about struggles, brick walls and the little pinch of hell that has lately seasoned my life.

Feeling alone sucks...

If only my parents, my friends, my peers would understand...

On the outside it seems though I have many friends. On the inside, I feel lonely as hell is lonely...

A whole year to get plugged-in to my new university- a whole year without many results.

It seemed good at first..

keyword seemed...

I'm done with this shit.

Spiritually, I feel like shit.

Socially, I feel like shit.

Musically, I feel like shit.

Physically, I feel like shit.

yes. shit shit shit.

I'm sorry for cussing so much. I normally don't. But being rejected by people really makes you feel like that.

Everyone I've talked to about my big struggle says "oh, we still love you." But yet, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to act on it and just bury it under the rug. We're just supposed to "treat this like any other sin." And then what? I find no satisfaction anywhere else. And don't tell me I'm supposed to find it in Jesus. Cuz, frickin' reality check says I haven't...

I hate that I'm not always around my friends at Rice.

I don't want to just see people on a Friday and a Sunday- twice per week.

I hate that I can't find a person to be close with- and I'm not just talking to "hang out" with.

I hate that I'm so far away from home.

I hate that I don't have a car to go anywhere.

I hate that I don't have a group to be with all the time. And group I do have- it's all girls.

I hate that I'm stressed out 24/7.

I hate that everyone just wants to party and get drunk.

I hate that I'm ignored.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired.

School is hard.

I feel like a hypocrite, and want to help others, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm leading freshmen to go to fellowships, but I'm not on board myself.

I put on a fake smile and act like everything is cool, but inside I'm so fuckin unsettled.

I want to be moral, but being moral requires so much restraint.

I want to be a real Christian, but I'm so apathetic.

I want to be unskeptical of things, but the world tells me otherwise.

I wish there were less fake Christians, or "so-called" ones, but each day I meet more and more.

I want to undo the scars, but they already happened.

I wish I wasn't so restless and could let things go, but my personality and childhood has made me tense and unforgiving.

Damnit, what the hell is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be content?

Sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and not wake up...

Forgive me for being bitter,

but this SUCKS.

People, Relationships and Flakes

You discover a lot of things in college... like how some people won't even respond to your messages or respond back to you if you're making an effort to befriend them.

I mean, you don't have to be my friend- you don't even have to talk to me at all! But at least respond to my messages and at least acknowledge that you received it?? And if you say you want to hang out, but never do or end up avoiding me because you didn't go through with it... well, then instead, just say "I can't, or I don't have time."

Sorry, I feel slightly bitter right now.

Time for a nap now! Naps solve everything =)

-KKZ

Hopefully Sophomore Year Will Be Better??

I honestly wish I could make a very close group of friends at the University. I see groups of friends that do EVERYTHING together. And I guess I do have one at the music school, but not really..

And definitely, I have a close group of friends at Rice, but it's always been this way- even in high school. My closest friends were the ones that were the furthest distance away from me...

Hmm... one can only hope...

Exactly three months and one day later,

A prayer answered:

http://koinoniakaizelos.blogspot.com/2010/05/lord-im-praying-that-you-will-show.html

I am so thankful for this person in my life and this has been the first time I have actually been approached by someone else, as opposed to me approaching them.

*********

On another note, I officially consider CCF my main fellowship. I am excited for what the year will bring, and will look forward to every single Friday I go!!

As for InterVarsity, I've been having more and more issues and concerns with their style of ministry and my past experiences with them.

Don't get me wrong- IV is a very good quality fellowship. But perhaps it's not for me?

This semester, I'm going to give IV one more chance. If not, then I don't think I'll consider myself a "regular" there anymore.

*********

School has been great so far, and I'm very excited for the upcoming duet recital, concerto competition, and concert chorale performances. I will be a lot. It will be stressful, but so far, the year is looking up significantly from last semester!

Hoping to keep you updated,

-KKZ

Playing Piano Doesn't Mean You're a Musician; Going to Church Doesn't Mean You're a Christian

Plunk, plunk, plunk. Lots of people do it. Some for fun, some for a career, some just to mess around, some to be very serious.

I'm talking about piano, by the way...

I've met more than one person who can plunk out notes, but I would consider them a far cry from being a musician. In fact, many musicians that have lived several decades have seen the Julliard School of Music output several human "robot" pianists, bluntly put. Anyone can punch out a few notes if they sit there and practice for hours upon hours. But making it really musical- playing from a musician's perspective- that is a different story.

*Disclaimer: I'm sorry if you go to Julliard. I'm not hating on the school. And I'm sure the cases I've been told are the exception, not the norm...

The same goes for going to church.

America, founded with a Christian basis, could safely be called a "Christian" country in it's most incipient beginnings. This was because most, if not all of the new settlers belonged to Christianity and took their faith seriously. Now, this might be generalizing a bit too much, because I'm ignoring the separation from the English church and whatnot, but in general, that's kind of it in a nutshell.

Today, if you look at how the church has progressed, you see a good number of pinnacles of success, along with quite a few valleys of failure.

I found it most disappointing to discover that a close friend of mine- a relatively new Christian, but having gone to a church for over 3 years- did not even understand the purpose of Christ or even sin and morals. Yet, he called himself a "believer of Christ." Now I am in no position to judge, because only God has any right to judge. But, the fact that my friend seemed to be so on board with the whole "Christian" thing, was really offset by my discovery that he had no idea what he believed in.

My friend's story is not different from thousands of other Americans out there. And, sadly to say, though I myself have some basic knowledge, I lack soooo much!!

And I guess what's more-- I know [at least generally] what I believe in, but at the moment, am not sure whether or not I believe it. This is something I've been struggling with for the past year- when does circumstance overpower belief. Yes, I know the sunday school answer: It should never. But has that been easy to accept? Of course not. No one said anything about having it easy and being a Christian at the same time...

So, I guess I would have to say that I am very thankful for the mens discipleship group that I am part of this summer. We are studying a book about Christian theology- essentially, knowing why you believe what you believe. (Isn't that a radical idea? lol) While I do admit I've been rather apathetic at times to keep up with the group, it has definitely forced me to reevaluate my priorities. If our faith is a matter of life and death, of God-filled lives or God-less lives, of eternal or temporal significance, then why not put in more time into discovering it?

Of course, it's always easier said than done. And if it were easy to follow Christ in this very tempting world, then I think we would have no need to worry. But, as I've learned from my summer group, "discipleship and following Christ comes at a cost. Grace is free, yes, but it leads to motivation- which means work!"

So what does this post boil down to? I'm not quite sure, but I hope churches in America begin sensing the urgency of this whole degrading situation, and the apathy of so many of its members. In a way, by not addressing this issue, or doing nothing about it, the church is leading it's members into a false sense of security. Yes, they may attend or belong to a church, but is their faith legit? The church body has a purpose to unify the Christian community. Whether the church in America has been doing that? Well, that's really getting sketchy at this point...

As for discovering my faith, it's still a work in progress. And I'm totally willing to admit that, unsugarcoated.

Hopefully yours,

-KKZ

During the last two semesters, I met lot of different people within the christian fellowships at UH, Rice, UT, and A&M. As I got much closer to a lot of them, I got to see the groups of close friends that they all had. Each had a very distinct group of friends that had a very tight bond. In high school, some of them had set up their own bible studies and small groups. Some met as a group several times a week, and perhaps every day in the summer. And when one of the group was missing, everyone called him or her on their cellphone. In other words, the lack of their presence was really, really felt.

It was tough the first two semesters of college because I didn't feel I had a close group. And even at home, it wasn't like my close group of friends at church would get together and do bible studies and stuff like that.

But then after going home last week, I realized just how close and life-long of friends I really had at home. This really hit me on the last day at home, before I headed back to school. Friends from across the metro came to say goodbye, even though they weren't planning to visit the area.

Leaving was definitely tougher this time, as I came to a realization of how much my friends really meant to me. Though my friends may be a thousand miles away, I appreciate them and love them so much more after my first year at college.

To my friends, thank you for sticking with me throughout: the tough times, times of joy, times of pain times of deep sharing, times of great memories- times only the closest of friends can share.

-KKZ

Music AND Classical- WHAT?!?

So the longer I've been in music school, the more I realize how difficult of a major it is. Most people come up to you after they've found out that you're a music major and they say,
"Wow, so you just sit around all day and play piano? That's it?"

"Yessir. That's it. Nothing to it."

But of course, I also get the opposite reaction too. But in general, most people disparage the work that goes into being a musician. Not necessary just piano- but any instrument.

For a good number of us musicians, we are going to school to study just as long as a medical student would studying to become a doctor. In fact, in order to pursue what my mind is currently set on, I will be required to earn a Doctorate of Musical Arts degree. That's just as many years as those med-school students! (aka I'll be OLD when I'm done)

But, I guess of all things that annoy me- one thing really sticks out like a sore thumb: The people that turn their noses up when they look at my ipod and see that over 50% of my music is classical- 6.1 days worth of it if you play it straight through.

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Music is draining. It's emotionally draining, physically difficult to facilitate, incomprehensibly complex, architecturally structured, and massively broad in repertoire.

Of course, if I was actually complaining, then I wouldn't call myself music major anymore. I play because I love it, not because of anything else.

It's just rather frustrating to see people so naïve about classical music. Talking to my friend Scott about music, he said something that really made sense, "classical music is the foundation for all other types of music! Where do you think all your jazz musicians came from, or your pop musicians? Well, most of the good ones were classically trained at first!!"

Now I realize there is some negative connotation with classical- in that it was heavily associated with the rich snobs and royalty of the past. (Often kings and queens would force composers to write music in "their honor," and in the past, only the rich could afford phonographs and classical records or attend concerts). But judging the music off the culture of society doesn't truly exemplify the essence of the music. Even though Mozart was forced to write for royalty, does that demean the artistry he incorporated into his music? The music still stands on its own.

I guess that's a big reason I don't like some of the mainstream music out there today. It's so heavily influenced by looks and culture. If you took it all away, and just took the music as is- there would be a LOT of stupid music out there. Yeah, it's catchy. Yeah, I'd probably dance to it. But do I think it's the most thought out, quality stuff out there? No. And don't get me on the "oh, but you're being subjective." THINK about it. The music without the "Lady Gaga" clothing culture and sexualized glam. No music vids and no mass-mediation. Is it quite the same without? Can it stand without all the hype?

The answer: probably not.

So... YES I DO listen to classical music. YES it dominates my ipod. And YES, I think it is cool.

Is that a problem?



-KKZ