God Works in the Weirdest of Ways...

If only God would have come down at the Urbana missions conference, told me exactly what he wanted, that I would have joy doing it and that this was the purpose for me in my life...

Unfortunately, God doesn't always do this. And forgive me for even asking for a half-baked, easy way out.

Urbana '09 was what I expected, and also not. I knew a lot of missions organizations would be there, but I had no idea how God would use them to speak into my life. In fact, it was very confusing. To top it all off, amidst all the craziness and information overload, I got sick- the worst of it hitting in the middle of the conference.

Throughout this whole thing, I realized that God was speaking to me- not about where I was to serve, per se, but asking me a question: "Are you really willing to serve me?"

Over the course of the week, I had made close friends with my roommates, and it felt weird at the end of the conference when they all left. Being sick the whole week, I couldn't participate or focus very well on anything. I felt really guilty during the night where we were supposed to eat a meal of pita bread and beans to represent the hunger of the world. That was the day I felt most sick, and I kept thinking about my own needs- just how much water I needed to drink or how much decent food I should eat- to stay healthy!! And most sadly of all, I felt guilty for not being able to practice that week. Of all things?? Seriously?!?

I realized there are so many things I refuse to let go of- my structured piano studies, my comfort, my friends and my life. Also at Urbana, I think I was really close-minded about missions. I didn't truly let God work through the conference to let me gain a new perspective of missions. At the conference, there are "seminars" you can chose from that detail missions in different perspectives: the arts & communication, poverty, social issues, health care, evangelism and many others. I look back on the week and see that I closed my mind off very quickly when I saw "arts & communication." There were two arts seminars I attended. Being an artist, I thought, "of course these will be the right thing for me."

I found absolutely nothing in the first seminar, which was about worship, and while I found something related to using performance as a way to share Christ in the second seminar, it confused me more than helped me.

What I learned from the second seminar was that the arts are not a direct way to share Christ's love (unless of course, you are singing worship music). While through the arts, there are many doors and powerful opportunities opened, sharing the Gospel will usually be an "in between performances" thing. This whole concept confused me as to whether or not God wanted me to look here in the first place.

Thankfully, I don't see Urbana as a loss. I think it was necessary that God made me think about the facets of my life I identified heavily with. What am I and should I be willing to do in order to serve Christ fully? I believe that this is the first step for me when thinking about fulfilling the Great Commission, even before putting one foot out into that missions field.

One particular story about a ministry I looked into at Urbana: CTI Music Ministries (Carpenter's Tools International). My friend had played with them before in an overseas missions trip. This organization compiles a group of musically talented Christians and forms a band that trains and goes overseas to play concerts. At first, I was very excited that God might have been opening up a door that had to do with both missions and my major. But then, after auditioning, two things happened: First, I realized that they don't just play worship music, but also pop music in order to attract young concert-goers (not like really bad pop music- like h.s. musical and stuff like that...). The second thing that happened, though, was really more of a blatant sign that maybe it wasn't what God was calling me to. A few days after my audition (which was on a really crappy 3.5 octave keyboard recorded on a digital camera), I got an email saying that a bunch of files on the camera had corrupted, and that my audition was one of them.

Coincidence? Probably not...
Whether or not I should send in another audition cd? Not sure. But one thing's for sure, I know God intended for it to happen to show me that what I think is best is not always what He plans.


As we learned at Urbana: "We are all called to missions!"
Outside of my immediate surroundings and relationships, where? I'm not sure. But for sure, I have to pray that God will make me surrender to Him fully before he can fully use me.

Peter says in Acts 2:38- "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit..."

"... Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day, they continued to meet in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." -Acts 2:45-47

Submit your heart first to Christ, and then He will use you.



Wishing you a blessed and fruitful 2010,


Koinōnia kai Zēlos

Idols, Identity and Introspection- An End of Semester Reflection

"What do we identify in? Is it in your major? In your accomplishments? Your talents?"

These were the questions posed at the InterVarsity fall retreat.

If you had asked me my answer early this semester? :

music
friends

running

music

intervarsity

ccf

music

music

music.........

This semester, as I struggled to realize my identity, many other issues came up that I realized were taking precedence. It wasn't until some of my friends and mentors brought this up, that I even thought about this. In the back of my head, I always knew music was a big part of my life. But what I had not realized is that what I identify most with is also what I prioritize highest. Now- don't get me wrong- I identify in Christ too, but this semester- the trials, struggles, and even the joys- showed me that I don't prioritize Him as #1 like I should.

Why might music move up the ranks to settle on such a high priority? It is because of its nature. Day after day, the music school engrains my head with the idea of "perfectionism." Every little detail counts. It's SO easy as a musician to get lost in the music because of the never ending cycle of seeking perfection- to SERVE the music (as my former piano teacher would say). And while that makes music so much more worth it to pursue, it also scares me at the same time. "You are what you eat," as they say. Who am I SERVING? That is my prayer and hopefully my focus- that I would come to realize the question's significance- these next several years in music school.

*****

So, the thoughts and lessons learned from the past 4 months?

I have been blessed incredibly with amazing friendships and mentors. I can't emphasize "incredible" enough! To have friends that are selfless, sacrificial, caring, loving- I see Christ through how they have blessed me. Everything from rides to the dry cleaners to hosting me at their house and sharing openly their deepest personal struggles while also listening to mine.

Financially, I have been incredibly blessed as well. I hardly payed for school this year, and I will probably get paid to go to school next year. Not having to work has helped me focus on being able to tackle my music much better, especially with my injury.

About my injury: over dozen doctors, physical therapists and specialists, and 2 years later... I finally met a doctor that knew how to diagnose my problem. My previous one had come close, but didn't give me the right treatment. The fact that it took me moving down to Texas to go to school, having my injury reoccur, not having out-of-state insurance, and having to deal with most of it alone without parents- and having God still be able to heal me, is against a lot of odds! It has really showed me that God works in ways that we can't imagine. Not only that, but God also made me appreciate music more. If I had not had this hurdle, I wouldn't treasure fully the time I AM actually able to practice or perform. Plus, I have possibly the most compassionate, musical, down-to-earth teacher in the world- and I don't hesitate to say it: quite the opposite of my high school teacher, and exactly what I was looking for.

Dealing with people: I'm not even going to start on how many things went wrong with my wild roommates, but it was a huge struggle not to blow up or get really angry at them. I never had people I really, really disliked- until this semester. Learning to be patient and show Christ's love (they knew I was a Christian), was something that I had to learn, even when I wanted to yell and point fingers.


My identity in Christ: How important is it really to you, that Christ gave his life for you? Does that make you want to identify in Him? Have a burning passion and desire for Him? Serve Him?
I see all my friends who don't know Christ- how much of what they do is the same as myself, except without an eternal purpose. Now, I'm not trying to put myself above them- I am no better than them. In fact, if anything, I feel the greater need to share about Christ so that they too can experience the same. But just how important your life in Christ is- that's what counts. This semester, I saw a lot of people that identified in Christ over all other things, and it was extremely encouraging. Their faith is what caused them to be able to sacrifice "worldly things" that most people hold on to tightly because it is their only purpose in this life.

This semester, I shared one of my deepest struggles with two of my mentors. I was confused, hurting, lost in sin, bothered and so much more because I had held it in for many years and was so ashamed of it that I couldn't tell anyone. Since they didn't struggle with the same thing, I expected a very generic answer without a lot of understanding or insight. Instead, they said something incredibly profound: "We struggle with a lot of sin, but it is not sin that makes your identity. If you make Christ your identity, then the sin will be taken care of. No matter what it is, put Christ first, and the rest will follow." I am still struggling, and probably will be struggling with this for a very long time, but it is encouraging to know that I have the ability to seek a cure. One that is Christ.

Questioning faith: The one class I keep coming back to, Human Situation- does not address the human situation at all. It bashes and questions the supernatural, divine and everything else that goes along with faith and religion. Hundreds of times, I found myself sucked into that class, unable to refute what the professor were trying to engrain into my head because I knew deep inside that I did not really know what I believe as well as I should. Which brings about the importance of learning about why you believe what you believe. In college, it is not your parent's faith; it is not your pastor's faith; it is YOUR faith. That is why people choose to follow Christ or leave Christ in college. I wish, so hard, that I took all the bible lessons, memorizing bible verses and sunday school so much more seriously back in high school. Hundreds of times, I find myself unable to pull out verses when I need them, or when I'm sharing the Gospel, to be able to refer to the bible. If there's one thing I learned, it's to start taking it seriously and really get into the Word more. There are so many applications, and you just can't afford to ignore them.

Letting go of grades: In high school, I killed myself over an A- or B+. I worked as hard as I could to make sure that wouldn't happen. I thought that if you didn't get an "A," you would not get into a good college and your life would be screwed over. So, you can imagine why when I received my gpa of a B+ this semester, I felt a little shocked. Yet, I realized it was time to let go and not freak out or worry- as long as I tried my best.

Being independent: I wasn't overly reliant on my parents in high school, but I realized really how much they did for me when I did need help. Now a thousand miles away, they couldn't help and I couldn't ask for help either. When stuff got overwhelming I just had to suck it up and deal. In fact, even when I called home, my parents sometimes wouldn't really advise me at all for anything. At first I thought they were just being hard on me, but by the end of the semester, I realized I couldn't do things always relying on people. A lot of things I had to take care of myself. The more I got frustrated, the more my Christian friends and mentors turned me towards God for my answers. That's exactly what I needed...
Talking with some of my friends that stayed in-state for college, I feel like I learned many times more because I went to college out-of-state.

I pray that God will continue to use amazing people in my life to encourage me, and that I can someday encourage people in the same way that they have encouraged me. It's not a coincidence that I ended up at UH. So many things happened that only point to God's work within my life. The very place I hated (Texas) turned into one of my life's biggest blessings, where I learned so many lessons and experienced God in so many ways- more than I could ever ask for.

Is there any more I can say?


-Koinonia kai Zelos

Soon, soon...

It's been a long time, and God has placed a lot on my heart to share.

But, it's saturday night and getting up for church is more important, so until then....

-KKZ

A Simple Thanksgiving Reflection

I thank God for,

Friends to celebrate the thanksgiving weekend with,

Close friends in my Christian fellowships,

Being able to see Him through others,

Spiritual mentors; Being convicted to openness,

Giving me a strong-willed personality,

Putting me through everything I've gone through this semester,

Humbly forcing me to go back to basics with my piano repertoire,

A diagnosis for my hand,

Providing a caring, amazing piano professor,

A family that still cares a lot, even 1000 miles away,

Taking care of my financial needs,

Watching over me this semester- carrying me through the ups and downs,

And for countless other things that I don't even realize....


Happy thanksgiving, all

-KKZ


"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."
Psalm 107:1

Purpose

This weekend was the retreat with InterVarsity. Going in, I didn't expect a whole lot. I just prayed that God would reveal to me what the purpose of me being there was.

For a long while, I have been really trying to see my purpose for being in Texas for college. Often, with all the hurdles I've had to deal with in the past few months, it made me all the more confused when I pondered this.

After this weekend though, I saw one facet of God's plan for me through the retreat. This retreat was in the middle of nowhere and hours away from the big city. On Saturday night, a few people decided to go spread out a sleeping bag on the grass and watch the stars- something that I never got to do even when I was back at home, where the outdoors is appreciated a lot. Having just come off pulling a near all-nighter on thursday night for a paper, I don't remember having been able to relax like that since the summer. Caleb, Boomer and I prayed for a shooting star, and literally half a minute later- the brightest shooting star ever fell from the sky. It was followed by about two dozen more in the next hour.
I can honestly say I've been to retreats and appreciated God's work of nature, but it was never presented to me like that before. Definitely an eye-opening experience.

The thing that God revealed to me this weekend was a piece of the puzzle that I seemed to be missing. At the retreat, there was a session about appreciating and understanding the diversity that makes up IV. Sitting through that session, I realized that this was one of the reasons God didn't want me in at the University of Minnesota, and he didn't want me in the midwest at all. In fact, he didn't even want me at Rice University. Being at UH gave me the opportunity to part of/reach a multi-ethnic fellowship group and also at the same time, also connect with the Asian group at Rice. If I had gone to Rice, I am almost certain that I would have only been part of CCF (an asian fellowship) and not Intervarsity. It is really eye-opening to be able to interact with a whole bunch of different people, considering I have grown up with the Chinese Church since I was young. It is also equally as amazing to still be able to have a Chinese Church/ asian college fellowship at the same time. God also made me realize this weekend that I have the opportunity to serve in two mission fields as I go through my undergrad- many more open doors that I could imagine. It's amazing how He works, even when you, a mere little human, think it's for the worst....

It is through people like Dan (both of them), Sammy, Caleb, Stephen, Jeff, Tim, Matt and so many others- that God has been encouraging me through this time. College isn't too bad in and of itself, but to not know anybody when you first get here, and to be a thousand miles away from home, it's a little difficult. For a long time, I have hoped and prayed that God would help me find some good, close, Christian friends that I could talk to. This weekend confirmed that he has provided for that and more.

thanks, God.

-KKZ

Academia and I- an unlikely mix?

In my honors english class, skepticism runs high and religious tensions are becoming more charged. We have finally moved into the realm of philosophical books (no, not Nietzsche yet, but close). It makes it so hard to be in there and NOT question your faith. All the agnosticism and pointlessness of circular arguments makes me wonder if I should be in the class at all. At the beginning of the semester, I was confident that this so called "human situation" class wouldn't faze me in any way at all. Apparently that's not true, because I am overthinking everything now- about religion, about life, about human nature. While I know that nothing in the class will shake my faith, it is still a struggle to not buy into some of the stuff that is talked about. Perhaps this is a test of my faith and will strengthen it in the end?

So many things right now are pointing to the fact that I need to get out of the honors college- I want to take elective composition/conducting classes, I want to spend more time practicing/joining the higher level choir, and the credits for honors are just not doable in my music schedule. Yet, there is a huge sense of community that I feel I would be leaving behind. My mentor said a few weeks ago during one of our conversations: "it is a mission field! and because of the nature of the classes, so many doors are open to you to share your faith." I suppose that is one of the very few reasons I have not totally dropped out.

Playing a contemporary christian song with my friend in honors coffeehouse two nights ago, I realized something that had not been made "real" to me until that night. While the music could have been "bolder" in it's message of Christ, I was able to see that my music can be a testimony for Christ.

In the past, it has been, sadly to say, almost embarrassing for me to outright share my faith. It was not a comfortable thing for me- as with many other people. But if you really think about it, do we have a reason to ashamed of it? According to many honors college professors- yes. But is it really a sign of weakness?
There is a reason, that in our human nature we turn to a higher or divine power. If God didn't exist, why would humans all throughout history conceive of a higher power? It is obviously instilled into us because we are "made in His image." Instead of turning to something absolutely unthinkable, it is in our nature to turn to a higher power.
Is there anything to be ashamed of if it's absolute truth?

As Paul said:
"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."
-Romans 1:16

Sure I think of all the ridicule or opposition I might get, but in the end I hope that I will be carrying out what God wants me to do. I said in an earlier post that I have no idea what God wants for me, being so far away from home in this seeming foreign country called Texas, but if the honors college is part of it, or if piano or composition or conducting is part of it, I intend to stay in it and carry out what I am meant to do. Yeah, it might suck at times, but it seems only logical to let God take care of it. I've held onto and wrestled with some things for so long, and figured out in the end that it was not worth the worrying and obsessing over.

A few more weeks until thanksgiving, then finals and juries. It's not going to get any easier or less frustrating and stressful, but I know there's a purpose. And THAT'S what makes it worth it.


-KKZ

Late Night [deep] Musician Ramblings...

As a musicians, we deal with the structural but also the abstract. It is often possible to describe the structure of music, but more difficult to describe how to facilitate it in your playing, or how you should bring out that structure to your audience.

Sometimes, the colors or tone of the music evoke the weirdest things out of you if you let them. In a studio class, my piano professor was talking about the composer Alexander Scriabin, and how he saw literal colors and hues when music was in different key signatures.

Something like this happened to me the other day.

I was sitting in my practice room, trying to memorize Brahm's op. 118, no. 2- Intermezzo. The middle section contains a rhythmic and intense 3-against-2 with f# minor chords. Being very distracted that day, my mind began to wander as my fingers kept playing. My mind echoed the intensity of the musical passage.

Then, there was a very disturbing [dream?... except I wouldn't call it that because I was awake]:

I pictured myself taking a break in the music school lobby and suddenly (don't ask me why- I blame the music...) a gun man comes in and starts pointing his gun at all the students in the lobby. Everybody screamed and ducked behind the couches and tables. Silently, the man walked through the room. He called out "do any of you guys call yourselves Christian? If you do, stand out and make yourself known!" I stood up, with the expectation that I would be shot point blank, on the spot. But for some unexplainable reason, the gun man didn't shoot me. Instead, he tried to make me do something horrible. He said "I want you to call out another Christian and shoot him for me." He handed me the gun, but in my horror I couldn't do it. He was about to take the gun and shoot me himself, but one of my close Christian friends also in the room (he's not a even a music major) jumped up from a table and tried to trip the gunman as he reached for the gun in my hand. Unfortunately, the gunman had already grabbed the gun from my hand and shot my friend. The next thing I remember is that I was standing over my friend's body, helpless. And then the whole scene ended.

Shocking, isn't it? I guess f# minor is the key of death...

The weirdest thing was- this wasn't even a dream, it was something that popped into my mind when I was really deep into the music. Maybe I was hallucinating?

Weird? yeah. But did it make me think? yeah.

After my practice session, I took a lot of time to ponder what had just happened.

I remembered back a few years ago where this actually happened at a school.

I remembered my pastor's sunday school lesson on the little girl who had stood up for Christ in an underground church and was shot by soldiers when they were discovered.

I remembered all the stories and books I read on Eric Liddell, the famous track runner, as a child and how he chose to stay in a prison camp rather than give his place to another. Or how he chose not to run on a Sunday during the Olympics because he placed God and church first in his life.

If I were really in that sort of situation, would I honestly be able to stand up and say "Yes, I'm a Christian and I'm not ashamed of it."
Honestly speaking, I believe I would have to say "no." Which is sad.
How come that people in other religions are willing to die for their faith, but I don't even seem to have enough motivation to do my devotions, let alone stand up to die for my faith?

And about Christ as the focus of our daily lives-- think about it! If it were not for Christ, we would still be dead. Is that not something to think about every single day we are living? And yet we forget so easily like the cross has absolutely no meaning except when we are talking to our Christian friends or at church on Sundays.

A lot to think about, a lot to ponder. But for something this significant, how can one not ponder?


keep thinking,

-KKZ