Stepping Out of a Comfort Zone

Looking back two months ago,
I thought I had next year's living arrangements set. I had a bad first semester experience in the dorms, and really wanted to move to an apartment- with people I knew and slightly more tame then the previous bunch. Even better if they were Christians as well.

I ended up asking 3 non-music major friends that wanted the same thing. It seemed like we would get along really well. And I was excited!


A few weeks ago, it all fell apart.
Now, trying to scramble for the deadline for the cheapest rate (the deadline is next week), decisions have to be rushed forward. Going from "I have no idea what's going on", to "finalizing roommates" in the matter of a week! I'm not quite to the finalizing part yet, but I am fairly sure that I will be living with a bunch of music majors- most of which are non-Christian.
I know, opposite of what I had hoped for right?

Then I thought about this past week's InterVarsity message.
They were talking about how easy it is for us Christians to realize the need to act for Christ, but never doing it. Our staff leader, Jeremiah, made an analogy to chores around the house. He had spent all day working on the message for that night and writing support letters, and never really got off the couch. But, elsewhere in the house, there was laundry to be done and dishes to be washed. He said that he realized in his head that these things had be done, but still at the end of the day, they were not done, even when his wife came home.

Later that night, I talked with a close friend in the suite next door and we were talking about how so many of us Christians live a passive faith- myself definitely included. If salvation and Christ are that important, are we really going to sit around and make it of secondary importance? I mean, really, is it not much more important than trying to make an "A" on the next test?

Two weeks ago, a fellow Christian friend and I had to opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with one of our music major colleagues. The conversation went surprisingly well, but afterwards, our colleague became really apologetic because she thought she was wasting our time asking us her spiritual questions. My friend's response to this, though sarcastic, hit me with a dose of reality: "Really? I wouldn't spend time talking about matters of eternal significance with a friend I cared about?"
*****

Back to the living situation for next year.
I think God's plan wasn't for me to live "comfortably" in a little Christian bubble (not that there's anything wrong with living in that environment). But, I think this is a little shove from God telling me to get up and do something for him for once. No, I don't really know my roommate that well, but there is obviously a purpose that he was the "candidate" that surface in the middle of all this decision-making mayhem.

Once again, God works in the weirdest ways. I'm nervous, but also excited about how this is going to play out...


until next time,

-KKZ

Music as a Language//Support from the Unexpected

(A Double Post)

In my last post, I talked about the deterioration of our language- How, our use of words have really shifted the meanings and intent of the original words.

In the same way, I see the trend of music following a paradigm shift that has both good and bad qualities.

You might agree with the statement that "in our world of increasing 'instant-gratification,' the quality of many things has dropped significantly." (and if you don't, then you won't agree with what I'm going to say next.)
For examples, just think of fast-food, instant diets, or tv dinners (all of which are either not good for you or just flat out don't work).

Juxtapose that idea over the music industry and world music trends. Yes, there is a lot of catchy and appealing stuff out there, but how much of it actually lasts? Lady Gaga may be on the top 10 list (Billboard), but in 20 or 30 years, just how many people will still be listening to her music? Or Taylor Swift?

Obviously, there is a type of music that a lot of people like to just chill out or relax to- I get that. But just the fact the music of today is so fleeting and seemingly shallow, really concerns me."Simple" and "catchy" is NOT the same as "rashly thought out" and "mindless," which is unfortunately the product of trying to get rich through music quickly without actually making real music. We don't fully understand the drive of the mass-producing media and its amplifying effect on the music. A song like this might have a few good parts, but when the media takes it and blows it up, it looks like something way greater than it actually is. Sometimes it's not even about the music- it's just the fact that some popular celebrity wrote it. I venture to guess that if Taylor Swift wrote a piece of junk song, everybody would listen to it anyway. Of couse, that has been the way music has been marketed over the past one or two hundred years- the only way to make a living is to get it popular, but what I'm talking about is the recent precedence of "image/perception" over the music itself. An artist's image and his/her song should go hand-in-hand, if first, the song is well-written. Anything is else is just a well-known face slapped onto a CD cover.

Or maybe it's the people that are changing too? That we're ok with anything nowadays, and that music is reflecting that perception??

I was going to try this experiment on a friend, who really didn't like a certain type of music: Play him something from that composer, but tell him it was a different famous composer that he liked. I haven't done it yet, but I am 99% sure that he would have liked it just for the fact that he thought it was NOT written by the composer he didn't like.

I feel that because of the direction the music industry is taking everything in, soon music will become as obsolete as the words we use- Not necessarily losing it's meaning, per se, but very much decapitated in full value and effect.

(*disclaimer: I'm not being a snob about music, nor am I trying to bash on artists- I listen to some of this music too, aside from the fact that my main problem with most modern music is the lyrics; but I'm just pointing out what I see in the trend since classical turned to pop/rock to hip-hop to now and everything in between.)

In the end, all I have to say is this: Music is like words in that it conveys a heavy meaning, both implied and not implied. Play different types of music for a baby and see how the baby reacts. Obviously, music DOES SOMETHING to your body, to your soul. That's why God gave it to us. That's why the angels SING praises. If there's anything I've learned about music throughout high school and college, it's that.

If you yourself are a musician, I encourage you to keep making music with integrity, no matter what genre you're in. God gave it to us, so make music with meaning. Even though that is what many musicians did try to market their music through public appeal back then in the 1800s and 1900s, for some reason, the music they made was still quality and thought out, unlike much of today's music.

///////////////////

On a totally unrelated topic, I just really want to give thanks for two of my brothers and sisters in InterVarsity. It shocked me that one of them sensed, without me telling her, that I had a lot of struggles going on- confronting me with it.

Thank you so much for praying for me and being the people I can lean on during this time. I realize it's not going to get much easier, but it is amazing to know I have a brother and sister that will turn me towards Him.

It's things like these that make Christian fellowship integral, whether you're in high school, college, or working. It's not a worldly answer that they can provide, but literally an out-of-this-world answer.

To be the hands and feet of Christ: you may touch someone's life without knowing it.


-KKZ

America in the Eyes of an International Student

I recently moved down the hall to escape the prison of reckless and often drunk roommates. My new roommate is a Vietnamese international student. We'll call him "Sam". Now, I've met international students, but none that I've actually lived with or had to really get to know well. Sam is the first. And especially not one that was absolutely foreign to America. In fact, there is not a day when I don't get asked "why do Americans do ____?"

Having lived in America all my life except one year as a baby, Sam made me realize just how desensitized and assimilated I have become in American society.

He asked me "why do you say 'what the heck' or 'oh my god'?"
"Aren't they bad words?"

Even without really knowing the meaning behind the slang, my roommate clearly noticed that something associated with those phrases conveyed something negative. How many times have I said that in the past day? 10 times? a hundred?

All too often, myself included, we all say things without thinking twice. And when confronted about it, we respond by saying "oh, it's no big deal, I don't mean it."

Then what has become of the way humans use language to communicate? If half the stuff we say, we don't mean, then has the purpose of language been disparaged?

This doesn't just extend to language, but our culture, actions and attitudes as human beings. Liberalism is innovative on many levels, yes, but it also leads humans down a very slippery slope with many chances to fall. My roommate not only exemplified an outside example of American language, but also many other aspects of a culture that has gone terribly wrong?

How do you respond to something like "Why do Americans write 'motherf*ck*r' on the desks in my english class? Why are Americans so rude?"

I have yet to read a book I bought at Urbana: "Why the Rest Hates the West." Just the title itself is pretty self-explanatory. It's even more misleading, as so many people from other countries think that America is a "Christian Nation."

Just something to ponder next time you consider what it means to be "American." What can we do about this, on a personal level? Even though you may not affect the rest of the nation, how do people around you view you as a Christian? There is no doubt that you will someday run into a "Sam." How will you be a light to him in the dark world?

Hopefully this post got you thinking about taking on a different perspective- one that is very often overlooked.


-KKZ

Can't take it anymore...

Sometimes, you just have to learn to say "no."

I have never been one to say "no" a lot. So this is just going to be plain hard.

I'm having a lot of trouble trusting God. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do when things get tough.

And I'm also having trouble trusting that I won't be stupid and do stupid things. Like overbooking my schedule so badly that I have to schedule time specifically to "breathe air."

Read part of Job today. I know I'm in an oasis compared to him, but one can't help but relate to him in the slightest. I feel that way tonight. And probably will this whole week.

My post makes no sense. It's been a long day. And I can't even type in the right tenses.
Whatever.

Goodnight.

-KKZ

P.S. I'm sorry that my posts have been neither insightful nor substantial. In fact, looking at the last one, some stranger might think I'm emo. But nevertheless, this is going to be a really hard month...

... more later, when I'm somewhat sane.



**********************
post update: sometimes God speaks quickly and sometimes he speaks slowly. Literally right after I posted this, an answer came.

Dark Hurdles and A Sketchy Road Before Me

It is only because of His grace that I am still functioning.

So many things have come up in the last week that have shattered my sense of reality and sanity.

So many things I am questioning, struggling with- mentally, spiritually, physically- with what seems like no answers.

I am stuck. I am lost. I am frustrated. I am scared.

In a life that is full of suffering, pain, troubles and a world that doesn't understand:

"My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

-"No One Else Knows" (Building 429)

The Life of a Musician: An Unstable Balance

Being a Christian-Musician. Now that's somewhat ironic. And those that are able to be both, props to you!

Sadly, many musicians I know these days are very full of themselves, and even if they are not, they are very independent- to an unhealthy point. So many of my colleagues in the musical realm have also followed the very enticing but dead-end philosophy of "serving the music." What all does that mean? It is true that music is a very powerful phenomenon- almost disturbing. Consider this true case-study:

An elderly man who had an illustrious career as a classical concert pianist became ill with alzheimer's disease. He soon was admitted to an elderly home, where he forgot relative's names and basic things most people remember out of second nature. Yet, one day, they sat him down at a piano and he played like there was no tomorrow.

So, it's understandable how musicians can be entranced by the idea that music is of the "ethereal realm," and that "serving the music" is spiritual enough for them.

Yet, as I went through my first semester of musical study, I realized that this could not be the case. As powerful as music is, it cannot reach higher than it's creator, God. It may seem like a "spiritual thing" to fill the voids of your soul, but in reality, without God, music is as empty and purposeless as a hollow jar.

It's this struggle that Christian musicians must face in order to make sure their priorities do not get all mixed up.

Which brings me to another point. I have struggled throughout my so far short piano career to balance between making myself well-known, and also making my piano playing Christ-centered and humble. In high school, I rarely won competitions. All my colleagues got to play with orchestras, won lots of money, got their name known and seemingly set themselves up to have great futures and careers in music. Now part of this might have been because I didn't focus as hard as I should have?

And recently, I found myself being really happy for a fellow colleague that had won a competition, but yet at the same time, something deep inside of me felt a little jealous and empty.

The pressure with music performance is that you have to "make it big," in order to "make it." All the time, I wonder to myself, if I haven't won a decently prominent competition by the end of my undergrad, what will happen?

While pride may be a big part of this, most of it stems from the insecurities and nature of being a musician. If I don't "make it big," (even in the slightest sense), then I won't be well known as a good performer or teacher. And if I'm not well-known, then I'll never land a job as a good high school or even college professor, which is currently a practical goal of mine. All this fear and doubt has really gotten in the way of what I believe Christ intends for me in terms of being a musician.


So at the moment, I think all I can do is hang on for dear life and pray that God will help me trust him to go in the right direction. In this grueling, cut-throat world of music, it's tough. But if this is what God's plan is for me, then I believe he will show me the way through.

Semester II starting in a few days:

Back to the practice room...


-KKZ

God Works in the Weirdest of Ways...

If only God would have come down at the Urbana missions conference, told me exactly what he wanted, that I would have joy doing it and that this was the purpose for me in my life...

Unfortunately, God doesn't always do this. And forgive me for even asking for a half-baked, easy way out.

Urbana '09 was what I expected, and also not. I knew a lot of missions organizations would be there, but I had no idea how God would use them to speak into my life. In fact, it was very confusing. To top it all off, amidst all the craziness and information overload, I got sick- the worst of it hitting in the middle of the conference.

Throughout this whole thing, I realized that God was speaking to me- not about where I was to serve, per se, but asking me a question: "Are you really willing to serve me?"

Over the course of the week, I had made close friends with my roommates, and it felt weird at the end of the conference when they all left. Being sick the whole week, I couldn't participate or focus very well on anything. I felt really guilty during the night where we were supposed to eat a meal of pita bread and beans to represent the hunger of the world. That was the day I felt most sick, and I kept thinking about my own needs- just how much water I needed to drink or how much decent food I should eat- to stay healthy!! And most sadly of all, I felt guilty for not being able to practice that week. Of all things?? Seriously?!?

I realized there are so many things I refuse to let go of- my structured piano studies, my comfort, my friends and my life. Also at Urbana, I think I was really close-minded about missions. I didn't truly let God work through the conference to let me gain a new perspective of missions. At the conference, there are "seminars" you can chose from that detail missions in different perspectives: the arts & communication, poverty, social issues, health care, evangelism and many others. I look back on the week and see that I closed my mind off very quickly when I saw "arts & communication." There were two arts seminars I attended. Being an artist, I thought, "of course these will be the right thing for me."

I found absolutely nothing in the first seminar, which was about worship, and while I found something related to using performance as a way to share Christ in the second seminar, it confused me more than helped me.

What I learned from the second seminar was that the arts are not a direct way to share Christ's love (unless of course, you are singing worship music). While through the arts, there are many doors and powerful opportunities opened, sharing the Gospel will usually be an "in between performances" thing. This whole concept confused me as to whether or not God wanted me to look here in the first place.

Thankfully, I don't see Urbana as a loss. I think it was necessary that God made me think about the facets of my life I identified heavily with. What am I and should I be willing to do in order to serve Christ fully? I believe that this is the first step for me when thinking about fulfilling the Great Commission, even before putting one foot out into that missions field.

One particular story about a ministry I looked into at Urbana: CTI Music Ministries (Carpenter's Tools International). My friend had played with them before in an overseas missions trip. This organization compiles a group of musically talented Christians and forms a band that trains and goes overseas to play concerts. At first, I was very excited that God might have been opening up a door that had to do with both missions and my major. But then, after auditioning, two things happened: First, I realized that they don't just play worship music, but also pop music in order to attract young concert-goers (not like really bad pop music- like h.s. musical and stuff like that...). The second thing that happened, though, was really more of a blatant sign that maybe it wasn't what God was calling me to. A few days after my audition (which was on a really crappy 3.5 octave keyboard recorded on a digital camera), I got an email saying that a bunch of files on the camera had corrupted, and that my audition was one of them.

Coincidence? Probably not...
Whether or not I should send in another audition cd? Not sure. But one thing's for sure, I know God intended for it to happen to show me that what I think is best is not always what He plans.


As we learned at Urbana: "We are all called to missions!"
Outside of my immediate surroundings and relationships, where? I'm not sure. But for sure, I have to pray that God will make me surrender to Him fully before he can fully use me.

Peter says in Acts 2:38- "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit..."

"... Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day, they continued to meet in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." -Acts 2:45-47

Submit your heart first to Christ, and then He will use you.



Wishing you a blessed and fruitful 2010,


Koinōnia kai Zēlos