Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Telling It Like It Is...

Some things are just too ridiculous to believe are true.
Other things are too fake to be reality.

This was neither.

It was a normal Tuesday in the life of a busy musician, and he just couldn't stay awake to save his life. Classes had been so boring that morning that he almost fell asleep drooling, mouth agape from exhaustion. After several rough hours of class, he had lunch with a few friends and biked half-awake back towards his apartment. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Hitting the bed, everything went black.

As the house lights undimmed, the musician woke up in a very strange setting: a house with the television on. Wait a minute, "this isn't my apartment," he thought to himself. The street was reminiscent of the suburban town in which he grew up. Each of the two-story houses uniform, with the same type of grass surrounding each house. It seemed like a very surreal, yet normal mix of his childhood environment coupled with his current college environment- It was as if the overlap of the two chapters of his life, childhood and college, made it seem like he had lived there for all 19 years of his life.

Then there was him.

The dream took a weird turn, with weird unexplainable events that can't really be described- like how many dreams are.

Merely three houses down and living with his parents, he went to the same college, and though he didn't have the same major, he became good friends with this musician. Trips with groups of friends to this person's house became more frequent, then daily, then exclusive.

Exclusivity at its fullest.

Suddenly, it was more than just a friendship- it was more.

The dream accelerating quickly to its climax, it was all of a sudden apparent that the musician realized that not only his environment had changed, but his relationship status. He was madly in love for the first time ever. He had someone to share his life with. He cherished every minute of it and confided with no one else. Their friends didn't know, his parents didn't know. In act, no one could have guessed it.

The stage went black again, indicating the start of a new dream sequence.

In this final scene, the musician awoke to see himself standing at the front door of his friend's house. He looked into the living room, at his friend's mother, who gave him a very indignant look. It was as if daggers were shooting out of her eyes. The musician quickly ran upstairs to his friend's room, only to discover that he was not there. What was there, was the sleeping bag and clothing left over from the night before, when he had slept over. "Wait, I thought I took these home in the early morning before we went to school," he thought to himself.

Suddenly, there was an angry yell from the living room. I ran downstairs to see my friend's mother screaming up a storm. She had finally cracked and unleashed the fury that had incipiently stared me in the eye when I had walked in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" she shrieked out loud, "You.. you... you.... I don't want my son hanging around a FAG!!" She waved her hands maniacally, in disgust, first up and down and then towards the front door.

"You no good dirty people, get OUT!! NOW!" She stormed into the kitchen and cussed up a storm.

The musician, shocked because the dream had not even alluded to his friend's mother up to this point, ran up the stairs to his friend's room to grab his belongings. His friend was right behind him, equally upset, but significantly calmer. As the musician grabbed his clothes, he turned around and looked his friend in the eye. His friend gave him a sorrowful look of pain that was enough to break even the coldest Russian soldier's composure. At this point the musician wanted to cry, but couldn't. It was moving too quickly to be reality.

"I'm sorry," said the musician's dear friend, "but you have to go."

Without another word, the musician burst out the front door, never to return again. He trudged over the freshly mowed grass of the neighboring yards, his belongings trailing on the ground from a heap in his arms.

Suddenly, everything went black.


The musician awoke abruptly from his nap- his nightmare. He looked around at his college apartment: the bed, the sheets, the pillows, the mess. His mind grasped words to comprehend what had just happened, but there were none. He sat dazed on the bed for a few moments, then got up to stare in the mirror. Was this reality? Was this life?


A story with a climax but not a resolution.
A nightmare in an alternate realm, a reality in another.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings
that have died
If I never love I never
would have cried
I am a rock I am an island

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

-Paul Simon

"I am a Rock, v.3-4"


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Step #1 of...

"What we seek we shall find; what we flee from flees from us."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if what we seek is what will make us flee?
vice versa,
What if what we flee is something that we seek?

Perhaps the act of not fleeing permeates from a lack of experience.
vice versa,
Perhaps inexperience would discourage the onset of an incipient desire to flee.

Then again, could inexperience result in the onset of unsatisfaction?
vice versa,
Then again, could eternal complacency result from infantilism/naivete?


A or B?
X or Y?

Certainly one is not to choose both.


Hide-And-Go-Seek In The Dark. Necessary at the moment, not recommended. You might run into a few brick walls...

Where are you hiding?


Unsatisfied, restless, incomplacent,


-KKZ




Sunday, October 17, 2010

What's the purpose...

of investing in a group I see twice a week or less and often less than that because I'm busy with so many other things? A group that I hardly talk to outside of our two meetings weekly, and most of whom I don't even go to school with. Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed almost every aspect of being with the group, and I've allowed it almost a year and a half's time, but the distance and schedule differences between us are just so great...

I'm toying around very seriously now about joining that music frat. Sure it will suck up most of my free time on Fridays and Saturdays, and every other day... but at least these will be people I'm around all the time, call my brothers and feel accepted.

Hmm.. A or B?


****
On another note, the concerto competition was today. As predicted none of the classical concertos even placed... except for one doctoral student's Beethoven 2 and that's because she was amazing! I probably didn't prepare well enough anyway, considering I was scrambling just to have the thing memorized well- and I started last semester!! *Sigh* it's my hope to play with an orchestra in my undergrad. If I decide to take the choral conducting route, I may never get the chops or opportunity to do so ever again...

Next time: romantic or contemporary concerto!!


-KKZ

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

KKZ is...

Thinking about joining a fraternity.

Yes you read that right. A frat.

But not a dirty, stereotypical frat where everyone gets drunk... A REAL, legit one. A music one. With many friends I already know...

Who knows?? This may help me not feel so lonely and alienated in Houston (story of my life for the past year).


And most people who think about frats give it negative connotation. Perhaps. But not this one..


-KKZ

Saturday, October 2, 2010

There are times when we all feel like lonely, insane, idiots...

Right now is one of those times... I would like to wake up tomorrow morning and think that the whole past year and a half has just been a big, unreal dream...

There's nothing like watching a movie all alone and crying on and off for an hour straight until you fall asleep, a third of the box of kleenex gone-- this after a shitty day. You should try it sometime...


Heart broken. Brain in a mess. Life confusing.


Emo in a box? Yeah, that'll be $14.50, please.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Everyone Has Their Own Skeletons...

The question is, are they out of the closet?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

"Play the passage as if you were encaging your right hand within the accompaniment of the left."

"Leonardo Dreams of his Flying Machine…

As the candles burn low he paces and writes,
Releasing purchased pigeons one by one
Into the golden Tuscan sunrise…"

"Scratching quill on crumpled paper,"

"Images of wing and frame and fabric fastened tightly."

"Leonardo steels himself, takes one last breath, and leaps…"

-From Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine
(Eric Whitacre; Charles Anthony Silvestri)

I am Leonardo.
I must learn how to fly.

Purchased pigeons.
Caged. Entrapped.
One by one; One by one they go... Released.

"As the midnight watchtower tolls,
Over rooftop, street and dome,
The triumph of a human being ascending
In the dreaming of a mortal man."

“Leonardo, Vieni á Volare! Leonardo, Sognare!”

Leonardo succeeds. But was it still only in a dream?


-KKZ