Academia and I- an unlikely mix?

In my honors english class, skepticism runs high and religious tensions are becoming more charged. We have finally moved into the realm of philosophical books (no, not Nietzsche yet, but close). It makes it so hard to be in there and NOT question your faith. All the agnosticism and pointlessness of circular arguments makes me wonder if I should be in the class at all. At the beginning of the semester, I was confident that this so called "human situation" class wouldn't faze me in any way at all. Apparently that's not true, because I am overthinking everything now- about religion, about life, about human nature. While I know that nothing in the class will shake my faith, it is still a struggle to not buy into some of the stuff that is talked about. Perhaps this is a test of my faith and will strengthen it in the end?

So many things right now are pointing to the fact that I need to get out of the honors college- I want to take elective composition/conducting classes, I want to spend more time practicing/joining the higher level choir, and the credits for honors are just not doable in my music schedule. Yet, there is a huge sense of community that I feel I would be leaving behind. My mentor said a few weeks ago during one of our conversations: "it is a mission field! and because of the nature of the classes, so many doors are open to you to share your faith." I suppose that is one of the very few reasons I have not totally dropped out.

Playing a contemporary christian song with my friend in honors coffeehouse two nights ago, I realized something that had not been made "real" to me until that night. While the music could have been "bolder" in it's message of Christ, I was able to see that my music can be a testimony for Christ.

In the past, it has been, sadly to say, almost embarrassing for me to outright share my faith. It was not a comfortable thing for me- as with many other people. But if you really think about it, do we have a reason to ashamed of it? According to many honors college professors- yes. But is it really a sign of weakness?
There is a reason, that in our human nature we turn to a higher or divine power. If God didn't exist, why would humans all throughout history conceive of a higher power? It is obviously instilled into us because we are "made in His image." Instead of turning to something absolutely unthinkable, it is in our nature to turn to a higher power.
Is there anything to be ashamed of if it's absolute truth?

As Paul said:
"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."
-Romans 1:16

Sure I think of all the ridicule or opposition I might get, but in the end I hope that I will be carrying out what God wants me to do. I said in an earlier post that I have no idea what God wants for me, being so far away from home in this seeming foreign country called Texas, but if the honors college is part of it, or if piano or composition or conducting is part of it, I intend to stay in it and carry out what I am meant to do. Yeah, it might suck at times, but it seems only logical to let God take care of it. I've held onto and wrestled with some things for so long, and figured out in the end that it was not worth the worrying and obsessing over.

A few more weeks until thanksgiving, then finals and juries. It's not going to get any easier or less frustrating and stressful, but I know there's a purpose. And THAT'S what makes it worth it.


-KKZ