Dark Hurdles and A Sketchy Road Before Me

It is only because of His grace that I am still functioning.

So many things have come up in the last week that have shattered my sense of reality and sanity.

So many things I am questioning, struggling with- mentally, spiritually, physically- with what seems like no answers.

I am stuck. I am lost. I am frustrated. I am scared.

In a life that is full of suffering, pain, troubles and a world that doesn't understand:

"My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

-"No One Else Knows" (Building 429)

The Life of a Musician: An Unstable Balance

Being a Christian-Musician. Now that's somewhat ironic. And those that are able to be both, props to you!

Sadly, many musicians I know these days are very full of themselves, and even if they are not, they are very independent- to an unhealthy point. So many of my colleagues in the musical realm have also followed the very enticing but dead-end philosophy of "serving the music." What all does that mean? It is true that music is a very powerful phenomenon- almost disturbing. Consider this true case-study:

An elderly man who had an illustrious career as a classical concert pianist became ill with alzheimer's disease. He soon was admitted to an elderly home, where he forgot relative's names and basic things most people remember out of second nature. Yet, one day, they sat him down at a piano and he played like there was no tomorrow.

So, it's understandable how musicians can be entranced by the idea that music is of the "ethereal realm," and that "serving the music" is spiritual enough for them.

Yet, as I went through my first semester of musical study, I realized that this could not be the case. As powerful as music is, it cannot reach higher than it's creator, God. It may seem like a "spiritual thing" to fill the voids of your soul, but in reality, without God, music is as empty and purposeless as a hollow jar.

It's this struggle that Christian musicians must face in order to make sure their priorities do not get all mixed up.

Which brings me to another point. I have struggled throughout my so far short piano career to balance between making myself well-known, and also making my piano playing Christ-centered and humble. In high school, I rarely won competitions. All my colleagues got to play with orchestras, won lots of money, got their name known and seemingly set themselves up to have great futures and careers in music. Now part of this might have been because I didn't focus as hard as I should have?

And recently, I found myself being really happy for a fellow colleague that had won a competition, but yet at the same time, something deep inside of me felt a little jealous and empty.

The pressure with music performance is that you have to "make it big," in order to "make it." All the time, I wonder to myself, if I haven't won a decently prominent competition by the end of my undergrad, what will happen?

While pride may be a big part of this, most of it stems from the insecurities and nature of being a musician. If I don't "make it big," (even in the slightest sense), then I won't be well known as a good performer or teacher. And if I'm not well-known, then I'll never land a job as a good high school or even college professor, which is currently a practical goal of mine. All this fear and doubt has really gotten in the way of what I believe Christ intends for me in terms of being a musician.


So at the moment, I think all I can do is hang on for dear life and pray that God will help me trust him to go in the right direction. In this grueling, cut-throat world of music, it's tough. But if this is what God's plan is for me, then I believe he will show me the way through.

Semester II starting in a few days:

Back to the practice room...


-KKZ

God Works in the Weirdest of Ways...

If only God would have come down at the Urbana missions conference, told me exactly what he wanted, that I would have joy doing it and that this was the purpose for me in my life...

Unfortunately, God doesn't always do this. And forgive me for even asking for a half-baked, easy way out.

Urbana '09 was what I expected, and also not. I knew a lot of missions organizations would be there, but I had no idea how God would use them to speak into my life. In fact, it was very confusing. To top it all off, amidst all the craziness and information overload, I got sick- the worst of it hitting in the middle of the conference.

Throughout this whole thing, I realized that God was speaking to me- not about where I was to serve, per se, but asking me a question: "Are you really willing to serve me?"

Over the course of the week, I had made close friends with my roommates, and it felt weird at the end of the conference when they all left. Being sick the whole week, I couldn't participate or focus very well on anything. I felt really guilty during the night where we were supposed to eat a meal of pita bread and beans to represent the hunger of the world. That was the day I felt most sick, and I kept thinking about my own needs- just how much water I needed to drink or how much decent food I should eat- to stay healthy!! And most sadly of all, I felt guilty for not being able to practice that week. Of all things?? Seriously?!?

I realized there are so many things I refuse to let go of- my structured piano studies, my comfort, my friends and my life. Also at Urbana, I think I was really close-minded about missions. I didn't truly let God work through the conference to let me gain a new perspective of missions. At the conference, there are "seminars" you can chose from that detail missions in different perspectives: the arts & communication, poverty, social issues, health care, evangelism and many others. I look back on the week and see that I closed my mind off very quickly when I saw "arts & communication." There were two arts seminars I attended. Being an artist, I thought, "of course these will be the right thing for me."

I found absolutely nothing in the first seminar, which was about worship, and while I found something related to using performance as a way to share Christ in the second seminar, it confused me more than helped me.

What I learned from the second seminar was that the arts are not a direct way to share Christ's love (unless of course, you are singing worship music). While through the arts, there are many doors and powerful opportunities opened, sharing the Gospel will usually be an "in between performances" thing. This whole concept confused me as to whether or not God wanted me to look here in the first place.

Thankfully, I don't see Urbana as a loss. I think it was necessary that God made me think about the facets of my life I identified heavily with. What am I and should I be willing to do in order to serve Christ fully? I believe that this is the first step for me when thinking about fulfilling the Great Commission, even before putting one foot out into that missions field.

One particular story about a ministry I looked into at Urbana: CTI Music Ministries (Carpenter's Tools International). My friend had played with them before in an overseas missions trip. This organization compiles a group of musically talented Christians and forms a band that trains and goes overseas to play concerts. At first, I was very excited that God might have been opening up a door that had to do with both missions and my major. But then, after auditioning, two things happened: First, I realized that they don't just play worship music, but also pop music in order to attract young concert-goers (not like really bad pop music- like h.s. musical and stuff like that...). The second thing that happened, though, was really more of a blatant sign that maybe it wasn't what God was calling me to. A few days after my audition (which was on a really crappy 3.5 octave keyboard recorded on a digital camera), I got an email saying that a bunch of files on the camera had corrupted, and that my audition was one of them.

Coincidence? Probably not...
Whether or not I should send in another audition cd? Not sure. But one thing's for sure, I know God intended for it to happen to show me that what I think is best is not always what He plans.


As we learned at Urbana: "We are all called to missions!"
Outside of my immediate surroundings and relationships, where? I'm not sure. But for sure, I have to pray that God will make me surrender to Him fully before he can fully use me.

Peter says in Acts 2:38- "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit..."

"... Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day, they continued to meet in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." -Acts 2:45-47

Submit your heart first to Christ, and then He will use you.



Wishing you a blessed and fruitful 2010,


Koinōnia kai Zēlos