Three issues, all connected. These are the subjects of my poem.
Words so shallow, so inept.
How can I express it?
What do you say when no one gets it-
Yourself, immovable, implacable.
I'm fighting to separate.
I'm fighting to articulate.
I'm fighting to reconcile.
I'm fighting- but to what avail?
__
My mind, what's left in a mere figment of sanity,
My life, an overturned plea opposing vanity,
My self, seemingly a robot with "manual" decapitated,
My perception, much more than complicated.
And yet, I'm not fighting.
How can I?
The world at my doorstep is so misleading.
Why is the norm my bad?
__
And yet again- The cardboard boxes,
The clandestine walls,
The legalistic chains of society,
The misty facade of humanity- Binding me away.
I am confused.
I am the skeptic that I chose to disassociate with.
I thought I knew the truth.
But do I?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Owning Up to Helplessness
This post will seem paradoxical and coded with hidden meaning because it is as complicated as my situation:
In the past four days, I have fallen asleep to my nightmare world that was my last post.
I wish I would awaken and realize that it was just a dream, a bad dream.
Unfortunately, this is not the case.
This is one of the best spring breaks I've had in my life. I've gotten to be with the friends I love and do some really memorable things. But, inside, the consequences of last week still resonate within my head. As much as I am satisfied, as it seems, for the moment, I know that deep inside, I am only hiding the scar that I refuse to reveal.
After break, I realize I need to own up to my mentors. How will they react?
Will they judge? Will they disconnect their relationship with me?
Unfortunately, I can't go through life holding this burden inside of me, as ugly as it is. Something so ugly-- that I considered ending my life last week because of it.
I felt guilty, but that didn't stop the root problem or the recurring symptoms.
I worried about the medical consequences, but yet, the reality dulled quickly.
I thought about death, but I wasn't sure if I would meet it soon.
I thought about the people I had been sharing Christ with- the people I was pursuing right now, but I wasn't sure if I could continue without feeling like a poser.
I felt a disconnection from my faith, but I couldn't bring myself to address it.
I'm currently happy, but have no joy.
In the end, my dad also found out about the underlying issue, as I had previously hinted to it, though unintentionally. He offered to talk with me, but, I feel like it is my dad that is partly the cause of this.
I'm done with lying and deceit and creating a facade that only buries me deeper into the hole I have dug for myself.
The emotional side of my life is recovering, but yet my life as a whole, especially spiritually, is more of a mess than ever. I feel Christ-less, I feel empty, and I feel apathetic.
I need help. I have to own up, but why is it so hard?
Unfortunately, I trust no one, and even the ones I trust, I doubt will know how to help me.
Help?
Except none of you understand, except one person. And that one person can't help.
Help...
In the past four days, I have fallen asleep to my nightmare world that was my last post.
I wish I would awaken and realize that it was just a dream, a bad dream.
Unfortunately, this is not the case.
This is one of the best spring breaks I've had in my life. I've gotten to be with the friends I love and do some really memorable things. But, inside, the consequences of last week still resonate within my head. As much as I am satisfied, as it seems, for the moment, I know that deep inside, I am only hiding the scar that I refuse to reveal.
After break, I realize I need to own up to my mentors. How will they react?
Will they judge? Will they disconnect their relationship with me?
Unfortunately, I can't go through life holding this burden inside of me, as ugly as it is. Something so ugly-- that I considered ending my life last week because of it.
I felt guilty, but that didn't stop the root problem or the recurring symptoms.
I worried about the medical consequences, but yet, the reality dulled quickly.
I thought about death, but I wasn't sure if I would meet it soon.
I thought about the people I had been sharing Christ with- the people I was pursuing right now, but I wasn't sure if I could continue without feeling like a poser.
I felt a disconnection from my faith, but I couldn't bring myself to address it.
I'm currently happy, but have no joy.
In the end, my dad also found out about the underlying issue, as I had previously hinted to it, though unintentionally. He offered to talk with me, but, I feel like it is my dad that is partly the cause of this.
I'm done with lying and deceit and creating a facade that only buries me deeper into the hole I have dug for myself.
The emotional side of my life is recovering, but yet my life as a whole, especially spiritually, is more of a mess than ever. I feel Christ-less, I feel empty, and I feel apathetic.
I need help. I have to own up, but why is it so hard?
Unfortunately, I trust no one, and even the ones I trust, I doubt will know how to help me.
Help?
Except none of you understand, except one person. And that one person can't help.
Help...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Failure On a Dozen Levels
I am ashamed.
I am hopeless.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
I have felt loss.
I feel disgusting.
I cannot believe myself.
I feel like a hypocrite and fake.
I'm not sure I can call myself a Chistian.
I don't want to remember what happened yesterday.
I wish I could rewind and totally redo yesterday all over again.
I wish that my retarded human self wouldn't be so demanding and uncontrollable.
As I thought about how worthless my life was, I sat on my bed, ready to cry myself to sleep. Then I remembered the book that my parents had given me last week and strongly encouraged me to read. It is titled "Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes." I only read the foreword, which said, "Without a doubt, you have great worth in His eyes."
But even after THIS?
I feel like I can now relate to people who wonder that with even the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that God would still love them and see them as worth something.
At this moment, I don't feel that way. There is a lot of personal reconciliation I have to do before I can even accept that this happened.
Even if you're one of my close friends, don't be offended if I don't feel like talking to you about what this post is about just yet. It may take a couple of months. There is a deep scar that has developed inside me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share with anyone. Just pray that I will find healing in the right way. And trust me, it's going to take a lot.
I haven't gone to bible study, Intervarsity, or met with my mentors for weeks and weeks. Nor have I done my devotions or read my bible in a long, long time. I feel church is not applicable to me, and feel like I only go because my friends go... Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Plus, Sunday School is too long and not even that interesting or applicable. I hear lectures enough during the week anyway.
I have not practiced enough piano worth a crap, and I'm ridiculously behind in reading for all my classes- 7 freaking weeks behind in one of them!
I hate my life. I feel detached with God. And I feel guilty.
I am screwed. I am doubting. I am an idiot. I have made bad choices.
Midterms next week. Already behind, and now, I can't focus...
lost, lost, lost...
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Far, far away from here, I'll tell you that much.
FML. or rather, F my stupid decisions and stupid self.
Spring Break please come faster, or I'll die!
I am hopeless.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
I have felt loss.
I feel disgusting.
I cannot believe myself.
I feel like a hypocrite and fake.
I'm not sure I can call myself a Chistian.
I don't want to remember what happened yesterday.
I wish I could rewind and totally redo yesterday all over again.
I wish that my retarded human self wouldn't be so demanding and uncontrollable.
As I thought about how worthless my life was, I sat on my bed, ready to cry myself to sleep. Then I remembered the book that my parents had given me last week and strongly encouraged me to read. It is titled "Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes." I only read the foreword, which said, "Without a doubt, you have great worth in His eyes."
But even after THIS?
I feel like I can now relate to people who wonder that with even the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that God would still love them and see them as worth something.
At this moment, I don't feel that way. There is a lot of personal reconciliation I have to do before I can even accept that this happened.
Even if you're one of my close friends, don't be offended if I don't feel like talking to you about what this post is about just yet. It may take a couple of months. There is a deep scar that has developed inside me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share with anyone. Just pray that I will find healing in the right way. And trust me, it's going to take a lot.
I haven't gone to bible study, Intervarsity, or met with my mentors for weeks and weeks. Nor have I done my devotions or read my bible in a long, long time. I feel church is not applicable to me, and feel like I only go because my friends go... Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Plus, Sunday School is too long and not even that interesting or applicable. I hear lectures enough during the week anyway.
I have not practiced enough piano worth a crap, and I'm ridiculously behind in reading for all my classes- 7 freaking weeks behind in one of them!
I hate my life. I feel detached with God. And I feel guilty.
I am screwed. I am doubting. I am an idiot. I have made bad choices.
Midterms next week. Already behind, and now, I can't focus...
lost, lost, lost...
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Far, far away from here, I'll tell you that much.
FML. or rather, F my stupid decisions and stupid self.
Spring Break please come faster, or I'll die!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Uneasiness for the Future...
So call me paranoid, but I'm worried about my apartment next year. After what seems like a dozen rooming adjustments, the ball has finally settled. I am rooming with a random guy I don't know, and I know one of my apartmentmates half-decently. The other one drinks some (hopefully not a deja vu of last semester) and is very "close" (yes, in that sense) to his girlfriend. The environment is not exactly quiet, and generally, I was a little weirded out that my apartmentmate found me a random roommate so quickly and without really telling me.
But it's all college life right?
Wouldn't it be different if you knew how this would turn out in the end? That's exactly what discussion in my humanities class was about the past week or two. How do we know that we have free-will? Are we robots that think we have free-will but actually don't? A conclusion I came to was that we should act the way we do based on the fact that we don't know the future.
I'm a natural worrier. That is good in the sense that I am always prepared, but that is bad because it makes me stress out when I realize what I can't prepare for. After my friend called me and told me the roommate situation was officially set in stone, I thought to myself "oh crap!" But then, a very eerie feeling came over me. Not in a bad way, but in a soothing way, almost. A thought came to mind that God has a purpose for everything He does.
In Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Time and again, though I usually choose to fight it or ignore it, the purpose is still there. In this situation, I see everything that could go wrong, but God sees everything that could go right. In a way, it is as tough as addressing questions such as "why would God allow the Haitian and Chilean earthquakes?"
But, as mere human minds, we cannot comprehend the vastness of this. I was talking to my roommate about this last week. He was an intellectualist that had a lot of trouble accepting that God was real.
God really prompted me to respond to him in this way: "Just as we know there is a finite value to finding the integral to infinite limits in calculus, we know God is absolute- all powerful and in control of our perceptions of the events and world around us. We know there is an absolute truth because the subjective has no standard in which it is based, and yet still leads to opposing sides. Would you agree that there is either 'cold' or 'hot', and not something else like 'peanut butter?' Something is either moving faster or slower on the molecular level, not something totally irrelevant. Regardless of whether you think it is actually cold or hot, the fact is, there are two absolutes: faster or slower molecular motion. And those have an absolute too, as seen by the concept of absolute zero."
God is in absolute control. I realize I pretty much said that in my last post, but this post was a better organization of my thoughts. Plus, I just talked until 5 AM with my apartmentmate that I know well, and he made me realize just how big of a deal this was.
And over the next few months as those doubts and worries flood my head, I am going to need to beat that concept in. If I don't, the same thing that has happened to me all year will happen again- I will forget about God and try to do things by myself. As I've seen many times-- something that is all too dangerous to toy with.
-KKZ
But it's all college life right?
Wouldn't it be different if you knew how this would turn out in the end? That's exactly what discussion in my humanities class was about the past week or two. How do we know that we have free-will? Are we robots that think we have free-will but actually don't? A conclusion I came to was that we should act the way we do based on the fact that we don't know the future.
I'm a natural worrier. That is good in the sense that I am always prepared, but that is bad because it makes me stress out when I realize what I can't prepare for. After my friend called me and told me the roommate situation was officially set in stone, I thought to myself "oh crap!" But then, a very eerie feeling came over me. Not in a bad way, but in a soothing way, almost. A thought came to mind that God has a purpose for everything He does.
In Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."
Time and again, though I usually choose to fight it or ignore it, the purpose is still there. In this situation, I see everything that could go wrong, but God sees everything that could go right. In a way, it is as tough as addressing questions such as "why would God allow the Haitian and Chilean earthquakes?"
But, as mere human minds, we cannot comprehend the vastness of this. I was talking to my roommate about this last week. He was an intellectualist that had a lot of trouble accepting that God was real.
God really prompted me to respond to him in this way: "Just as we know there is a finite value to finding the integral to infinite limits in calculus, we know God is absolute- all powerful and in control of our perceptions of the events and world around us. We know there is an absolute truth because the subjective has no standard in which it is based, and yet still leads to opposing sides. Would you agree that there is either 'cold' or 'hot', and not something else like 'peanut butter?' Something is either moving faster or slower on the molecular level, not something totally irrelevant. Regardless of whether you think it is actually cold or hot, the fact is, there are two absolutes: faster or slower molecular motion. And those have an absolute too, as seen by the concept of absolute zero."
God is in absolute control. I realize I pretty much said that in my last post, but this post was a better organization of my thoughts. Plus, I just talked until 5 AM with my apartmentmate that I know well, and he made me realize just how big of a deal this was.
And over the next few months as those doubts and worries flood my head, I am going to need to beat that concept in. If I don't, the same thing that has happened to me all year will happen again- I will forget about God and try to do things by myself. As I've seen many times-- something that is all too dangerous to toy with.
-KKZ
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