Owning Up to Helplessness

This post will seem paradoxical and coded with hidden meaning because it is as complicated as my situation:

In the past four days, I have fallen asleep to my nightmare world that was my last post.
I wish I would awaken and realize that it was just a dream, a bad dream.

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

This is one of the best spring breaks I've had in my life. I've gotten to be with the friends I love and do some really memorable things. But, inside, the consequences of last week still resonate within my head. As much as I am satisfied, as it seems, for the moment, I know that deep inside, I am only hiding the scar that I refuse to reveal.

After break, I realize I need to own up to my mentors. How will they react?
Will they judge? Will they disconnect their relationship with me?

Unfortunately, I can't go through life holding this burden inside of me, as ugly as it is. Something so ugly-- that I considered ending my life last week because of it.

I felt guilty, but that didn't stop the root problem or the recurring symptoms.
I worried about the medical consequences, but yet, the reality dulled quickly.
I thought about death, but I wasn't sure if I would meet it soon.
I thought about the people I had been sharing Christ with- the people I was pursuing right now, but I wasn't sure if I could continue without feeling like a poser.
I felt a disconnection from my faith, but I couldn't bring myself to address it.
I'm currently happy, but have no joy.

In the end, my dad also found out about the underlying issue, as I had previously hinted to it, though unintentionally. He offered to talk with me, but, I feel like it is my dad that is partly the cause of this.

I'm done with lying and deceit and creating a facade that only buries me deeper into the hole I have dug for myself.

The emotional side of my life is recovering, but yet my life as a whole, especially spiritually, is more of a mess than ever. I feel Christ-less, I feel empty, and I feel apathetic.


I need help. I have to own up, but why is it so hard?
Unfortunately, I trust no one, and even the ones I trust, I doubt will know how to help me.

Help?
Except none of you understand, except one person. And that one person can't help.

Help...