Failure On a Dozen Levels

I am ashamed.
I am hopeless.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
I have felt loss.
I feel disgusting.
I cannot believe myself.
I feel like a hypocrite and fake.
I'm not sure I can call myself a Chistian.
I don't want to remember what happened yesterday.
I wish I could rewind and totally redo yesterday all over again.
I wish that my retarded human self wouldn't be so demanding and uncontrollable.


As I thought about how worthless my life was, I sat on my bed, ready to cry myself to sleep. Then I remembered the book that my parents had given me last week and strongly encouraged me to read. It is titled "Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes." I only read the foreword, which said, "Without a doubt, you have great worth in His eyes."

But even after THIS?

I feel like I can now relate to people who wonder that with even the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that God would still love them and see them as worth something.

At this moment, I don't feel that way. There is a lot of personal reconciliation I have to do before I can even accept that this happened.


Even if you're one of my close friends, don't be offended if I don't feel like talking to you about what this post is about just yet. It may take a couple of months. There is a deep scar that has developed inside me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share with anyone. Just pray that I will find healing in the right way. And trust me, it's going to take a lot.


I haven't gone to bible study, Intervarsity, or met with my mentors for weeks and weeks. Nor have I done my devotions or read my bible in a long, long time. I feel church is not applicable to me, and feel like I only go because my friends go... Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Plus, Sunday School is too long and not even that interesting or applicable. I hear lectures enough during the week anyway.
I have not practiced enough piano worth a crap, and I'm ridiculously behind in reading for all my classes- 7 freaking weeks behind in one of them!


I hate my life. I feel detached with God. And I feel guilty.

I am screwed. I am doubting. I am an idiot. I have made bad choices.

Midterms next week. Already behind, and now, I can't focus...

lost, lost, lost...

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Far, far away from here, I'll tell you that much.

FML. or rather, F my stupid decisions and stupid self.


Spring Break please come faster, or I'll die!