Dear God,

thank you for sending DMC into my life again and speaking the hard truth to my face even though I didn't want to hear it.

It doesn't mean I'll feel compelled to respond right away, but you have no idea how encouraging it was. (well.. maybe you do, I guess, since you're God...)

-KKZ

Football, Football and MORE Football!!!

So last weekend I visited friends from A&M. Before I got there, I had called my friend to see what they were all doing.

"Just playing some football, but we don't have to."

But when I got there, I realized that my friend was the one who organized the pickup game (it was tackle), and so of course I said "yes, we have to go!"

What I thought would be a 1 or 2 hour game, turned out to be 3 straight hours of football.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love running around (mainly soccer and track), but 3 hours of football?!

Afterwards, I found out that everyone there wanted to watch the TAMU game against Nebraska. Hence, another 4 hours of football!!

Wooooooooo!!!

I had never been exposed to so much football in one day.

Two things I realized from all this:

Patience. After a while, it didn't feel so awful to be running around (however stupid and inexperienced I looked). I realized that I was willing to do whatever- as long as good friends were involved.

Passion. Mine is music. Others might be football. And while I have a totally biased view and am surprised when people aren't as responsive to music as I am (my parents for example...), I often don't realize that other people may have an equal passion for something in their own lives. Though, admittedly, I find certain things easier to sympathize passion for than others.

If a friend visited me on a huge concert weekend, their post might have been "Music, Music and MORE MUSIC!!!"

Either way, this weekend was a good mix of everything- and as odd as it was watching [as the minority] a bunch of A&Mers cheering for their team,the game was actually kind of exciting. Especially at the end- when the crowd rushed the field and chanted their little traditions together in a giant circle.

Every school I've visited has a really close-knit IV, Epic or other group like that... A&M, UT, Rice. They do everything together- study, eat, live. Sometimes I wonder what happened to that at my school.

One can always ponder...

That note aside (oh the irony),

Happy Thanksgiving!!

-KKZ

You Know You're a Music Major When You Understand This Joke:

So a C, E flat, and G walk into a bar...
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Telling It Like It Is...

Some things are just too ridiculous to believe are true.

Other things are too fake to be reality.

This was neither.

It was a normal Tuesday in the life of a busy musician, and he just couldn't stay awake to save his life. Classes had been so boring that morning that he almost fell asleep drooling, mouth agape from exhaustion. After several rough hours of class, he had lunch with a few friends and biked half-awake back towards his apartment. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Hitting the bed, everything went black.

As the house lights undimmed, the musician woke up in a very strange setting: a house with the television on. Wait a minute, "this isn't my apartment," he thought to himself. The street was reminiscent of the suburban town in which he grew up. Each of the two-story houses uniform, with the same type of grass surrounding each house. It seemed like a very surreal, yet normal mix of his childhood environment coupled with his current college environment- It was as if the overlap of the two chapters of his life, childhood and college, made it seem like he had lived there for all 19 years of his life.

Then there was him.

The dream took a weird turn, with weird unexplainable events that can't really be described- like how many dreams are.

Merely three houses down and living with his parents, he went to the same college, and though he didn't have the same major, he became good friends with this musician. Trips with groups of friends to this person's house became more frequent, then daily, then exclusive.

Exclusivity at its fullest.

Suddenly, it was more than just a friendship- it was more.

The dream accelerating quickly to its climax, it was all of a sudden apparent that the musician realized that not only his environment had changed, but his relationship status. He was madly in love for the first time ever. He had someone to share his life with. He cherished every minute of it and confided with no one else. Their friends didn't know, his parents didn't know. In act, no one could have guessed it.

The stage went black again, indicating the start of a new dream sequence.

In this final scene, the musician awoke to see himself standing at the front door of his friend's house. He looked into the living room, at his friend's mother, who gave him a very indignant look. It was as if daggers were shooting out of her eyes. The musician quickly ran upstairs to his friend's room, only to discover that he was not there. What was there, was the sleeping bag and clothing left over from the night before, when he had slept over. "Wait, I thought I took these home in the early morning before we went to school," he thought to himself.

Suddenly, there was an angry yell from the living room. I ran downstairs to see my friend's mother screaming up a storm. She had finally cracked and unleashed the fury that had incipiently stared me in the eye when I had walked in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?" she shrieked out loud, "You.. you... you.... I don't want my son hanging around a FAG!!" She waved her hands maniacally, in disgust, first up and down and then towards the front door.

"You no good dirty people, get OUT!! NOW!" She stormed into the kitchen and cussed up a storm.

The musician, shocked because the dream had not even alluded to his friend's mother up to this point, ran up the stairs to his friend's room to grab his belongings. His friend was right behind him, equally upset, but significantly calmer. As the musician grabbed his clothes, he turned around and looked his friend in the eye. His friend gave him a sorrowful look of pain that was enough to break even the coldest Russian soldier's composure. At this point the musician wanted to cry, but couldn't. It was moving too quickly to be reality.

"I'm sorry," said the musician's dear friend, "but you have to go."

Without another word, the musician burst out the front door, never to return again. He trudged over the freshly mowed grass of the neighboring yards, his belongings trailing on the ground from a heap in his arms.

Suddenly, everything went black.

The musician awoke abruptly from his nap- his nightmare. He looked around at his college apartment: the bed, the sheets, the pillows, the mess. His mind grasped words to comprehend what had just happened, but there were none. He sat dazed on the bed for a few moments, then got up to stare in the mirror. Was this reality? Was this life?

A story with a climax but not a resolution.

A nightmare in an alternate realm, a reality in another.

Don't talk of love

Well, I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings

that have died

If I never love I never

would have cried

I am a rock I am an island

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

-Paul Simon

"I am a Rock, v.3-4"

Step #1 of...

"What we seek we shall find; what we flee from flees from us."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if what we seek is what will make us flee?

vice versa,

What if what we flee is something that we seek?

Perhaps the act of not fleeing permeates from a lack of experience.

vice versa,

Perhaps inexperience would discourage the onset of an incipient desire to flee.

Then again, could inexperience result in the onset of unsatisfaction?

vice versa,

Then again, could eternal complacency result from infantilism/naivete?

A or B?

X or Y?

Certainly one is not to choose both.

Hide-And-Go-Seek In The Dark. Necessary at the moment, not recommended. You might run into a few brick walls...

Where are you hiding?

Unsatisfied, restless, incomplacent,

-KKZ

What's the purpose...

of investing in a group I see twice a week or less and often less than that because I'm busy with so many other things? A group that I hardly talk to outside of our two meetings weekly, and most of whom I don't even go to school with. Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed almost every aspect of being with the group, and I've allowed it almost a year and a half's time, but the distance and schedule differences between us are just so great...

I'm toying around very seriously now about joining that music frat. Sure it will suck up most of my free time on Fridays and Saturdays, and every other day... but at least these will be people I'm around all the time, call my brothers and feel accepted.

Hmm.. A or B?

****

On another note, the concerto competition was today. As predicted none of the classical concertos even placed... except for one doctoral student's Beethoven 2 and that's because she was amazing! I probably didn't prepare well enough anyway, considering I was scrambling just to have the thing memorized well- and I started last semester!! *Sigh* it's my hope to play with an orchestra in my undergrad. If I decide to take the choral conducting route, I may never get the chops or opportunity to do so ever again...

Next time: romantic or contemporary concerto!!

-KKZ

KKZ is...

Thinking about joining a fraternity.

Yes you read that right. A frat.

But not a dirty, stereotypical frat where everyone gets drunk... A REAL, legit one. A music one. With many friends I already know...

Who knows?? This may help me not feel so lonely and alienated in Houston (story of my life for the past year).

And most people who think about frats give it negative connotation. Perhaps. But not this one..

-KKZ

There are times when we all feel like lonely, insane, idiots...

Right now is one of those times... I would like to wake up tomorrow morning and think that the whole past year and a half has just been a big, unreal dream...

There's nothing like watching a movie all alone and crying on and off for an hour straight until you fall asleep, a third of the box of kleenex gone-- this after a shitty day. You should try it sometime...

Heart broken. Brain in a mess. Life confusing.

Emo in a box? Yeah, that'll be $14.50, please.

Everyone Has Their Own Skeletons...

The question is, are they out of the closet?

"Play the passage as if you were encaging your right hand within the accompaniment of the left."

"Leonardo Dreams of his Flying Machine…

As the candles burn low he paces and writes,
Releasing purchased pigeons one by one
Into the golden Tuscan sunrise…"

"Scratching quill on crumpled paper,"

"Images of wing and frame and fabric fastened tightly."

"Leonardo steels himself, takes one last breath, and leaps…"

-From Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine

(Eric Whitacre; Charles Anthony Silvestri)

I am Leonardo.

I must learn how to fly.

Purchased pigeons.

Caged. Entrapped.

One by one; One by one they go... Released.

"As the midnight watchtower tolls,
Over rooftop, street and dome,
The triumph of a human being ascending
In the dreaming of a mortal man."

“Leonardo, Vieni á Volare! Leonardo, Sognare!”

Leonardo succeeds. But was it still only in a dream?

-KKZ

Chinese Bitter Melons Don't Taste This Bitter...

This blog is supposed to be about a journey of struggles,thoughts, joys, praises,fellowship, passion, thankfulness, reflection and action....

Well right now, this one is going to be about struggles, brick walls and the little pinch of hell that has lately seasoned my life.

Feeling alone sucks...

If only my parents, my friends, my peers would understand...

On the outside it seems though I have many friends. On the inside, I feel lonely as hell is lonely...

A whole year to get plugged-in to my new university- a whole year without many results.

It seemed good at first..

keyword seemed...

I'm done with this shit.

Spiritually, I feel like shit.

Socially, I feel like shit.

Musically, I feel like shit.

Physically, I feel like shit.

yes. shit shit shit.

I'm sorry for cussing so much. I normally don't. But being rejected by people really makes you feel like that.

Everyone I've talked to about my big struggle says "oh, we still love you." But yet, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to act on it and just bury it under the rug. We're just supposed to "treat this like any other sin." And then what? I find no satisfaction anywhere else. And don't tell me I'm supposed to find it in Jesus. Cuz, frickin' reality check says I haven't...

I hate that I'm not always around my friends at Rice.

I don't want to just see people on a Friday and a Sunday- twice per week.

I hate that I can't find a person to be close with- and I'm not just talking to "hang out" with.

I hate that I'm so far away from home.

I hate that I don't have a car to go anywhere.

I hate that I don't have a group to be with all the time. And group I do have- it's all girls.

I hate that I'm stressed out 24/7.

I hate that everyone just wants to party and get drunk.

I hate that I'm ignored.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired.

School is hard.

I feel like a hypocrite, and want to help others, but I'm drowning myself.

I'm leading freshmen to go to fellowships, but I'm not on board myself.

I put on a fake smile and act like everything is cool, but inside I'm so fuckin unsettled.

I want to be moral, but being moral requires so much restraint.

I want to be a real Christian, but I'm so apathetic.

I want to be unskeptical of things, but the world tells me otherwise.

I wish there were less fake Christians, or "so-called" ones, but each day I meet more and more.

I want to undo the scars, but they already happened.

I wish I wasn't so restless and could let things go, but my personality and childhood has made me tense and unforgiving.

Damnit, what the hell is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be content?

Sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and not wake up...

Forgive me for being bitter,

but this SUCKS.

People, Relationships and Flakes

You discover a lot of things in college... like how some people won't even respond to your messages or respond back to you if you're making an effort to befriend them.

I mean, you don't have to be my friend- you don't even have to talk to me at all! But at least respond to my messages and at least acknowledge that you received it?? And if you say you want to hang out, but never do or end up avoiding me because you didn't go through with it... well, then instead, just say "I can't, or I don't have time."

Sorry, I feel slightly bitter right now.

Time for a nap now! Naps solve everything =)

-KKZ

Hopefully Sophomore Year Will Be Better??

I honestly wish I could make a very close group of friends at the University. I see groups of friends that do EVERYTHING together. And I guess I do have one at the music school, but not really..

And definitely, I have a close group of friends at Rice, but it's always been this way- even in high school. My closest friends were the ones that were the furthest distance away from me...

Hmm... one can only hope...

Exactly three months and one day later,

A prayer answered:

http://koinoniakaizelos.blogspot.com/2010/05/lord-im-praying-that-you-will-show.html

I am so thankful for this person in my life and this has been the first time I have actually been approached by someone else, as opposed to me approaching them.

*********

On another note, I officially consider CCF my main fellowship. I am excited for what the year will bring, and will look forward to every single Friday I go!!

As for InterVarsity, I've been having more and more issues and concerns with their style of ministry and my past experiences with them.

Don't get me wrong- IV is a very good quality fellowship. But perhaps it's not for me?

This semester, I'm going to give IV one more chance. If not, then I don't think I'll consider myself a "regular" there anymore.

*********

School has been great so far, and I'm very excited for the upcoming duet recital, concerto competition, and concert chorale performances. I will be a lot. It will be stressful, but so far, the year is looking up significantly from last semester!

Hoping to keep you updated,

-KKZ

Playing Piano Doesn't Mean You're a Musician; Going to Church Doesn't Mean You're a Christian

Plunk, plunk, plunk. Lots of people do it. Some for fun, some for a career, some just to mess around, some to be very serious.

I'm talking about piano, by the way...

I've met more than one person who can plunk out notes, but I would consider them a far cry from being a musician. In fact, many musicians that have lived several decades have seen the Julliard School of Music output several human "robot" pianists, bluntly put. Anyone can punch out a few notes if they sit there and practice for hours upon hours. But making it really musical- playing from a musician's perspective- that is a different story.

*Disclaimer: I'm sorry if you go to Julliard. I'm not hating on the school. And I'm sure the cases I've been told are the exception, not the norm...

The same goes for going to church.

America, founded with a Christian basis, could safely be called a "Christian" country in it's most incipient beginnings. This was because most, if not all of the new settlers belonged to Christianity and took their faith seriously. Now, this might be generalizing a bit too much, because I'm ignoring the separation from the English church and whatnot, but in general, that's kind of it in a nutshell.

Today, if you look at how the church has progressed, you see a good number of pinnacles of success, along with quite a few valleys of failure.

I found it most disappointing to discover that a close friend of mine- a relatively new Christian, but having gone to a church for over 3 years- did not even understand the purpose of Christ or even sin and morals. Yet, he called himself a "believer of Christ." Now I am in no position to judge, because only God has any right to judge. But, the fact that my friend seemed to be so on board with the whole "Christian" thing, was really offset by my discovery that he had no idea what he believed in.

My friend's story is not different from thousands of other Americans out there. And, sadly to say, though I myself have some basic knowledge, I lack soooo much!!

And I guess what's more-- I know [at least generally] what I believe in, but at the moment, am not sure whether or not I believe it. This is something I've been struggling with for the past year- when does circumstance overpower belief. Yes, I know the sunday school answer: It should never. But has that been easy to accept? Of course not. No one said anything about having it easy and being a Christian at the same time...

So, I guess I would have to say that I am very thankful for the mens discipleship group that I am part of this summer. We are studying a book about Christian theology- essentially, knowing why you believe what you believe. (Isn't that a radical idea? lol) While I do admit I've been rather apathetic at times to keep up with the group, it has definitely forced me to reevaluate my priorities. If our faith is a matter of life and death, of God-filled lives or God-less lives, of eternal or temporal significance, then why not put in more time into discovering it?

Of course, it's always easier said than done. And if it were easy to follow Christ in this very tempting world, then I think we would have no need to worry. But, as I've learned from my summer group, "discipleship and following Christ comes at a cost. Grace is free, yes, but it leads to motivation- which means work!"

So what does this post boil down to? I'm not quite sure, but I hope churches in America begin sensing the urgency of this whole degrading situation, and the apathy of so many of its members. In a way, by not addressing this issue, or doing nothing about it, the church is leading it's members into a false sense of security. Yes, they may attend or belong to a church, but is their faith legit? The church body has a purpose to unify the Christian community. Whether the church in America has been doing that? Well, that's really getting sketchy at this point...

As for discovering my faith, it's still a work in progress. And I'm totally willing to admit that, unsugarcoated.

Hopefully yours,

-KKZ

During the last two semesters, I met lot of different people within the christian fellowships at UH, Rice, UT, and A&M. As I got much closer to a lot of them, I got to see the groups of close friends that they all had. Each had a very distinct group of friends that had a very tight bond. In high school, some of them had set up their own bible studies and small groups. Some met as a group several times a week, and perhaps every day in the summer. And when one of the group was missing, everyone called him or her on their cellphone. In other words, the lack of their presence was really, really felt.

It was tough the first two semesters of college because I didn't feel I had a close group. And even at home, it wasn't like my close group of friends at church would get together and do bible studies and stuff like that.

But then after going home last week, I realized just how close and life-long of friends I really had at home. This really hit me on the last day at home, before I headed back to school. Friends from across the metro came to say goodbye, even though they weren't planning to visit the area.

Leaving was definitely tougher this time, as I came to a realization of how much my friends really meant to me. Though my friends may be a thousand miles away, I appreciate them and love them so much more after my first year at college.

To my friends, thank you for sticking with me throughout: the tough times, times of joy, times of pain times of deep sharing, times of great memories- times only the closest of friends can share.

-KKZ

Music AND Classical- WHAT?!?

So the longer I've been in music school, the more I realize how difficult of a major it is. Most people come up to you after they've found out that you're a music major and they say,
"Wow, so you just sit around all day and play piano? That's it?"

"Yessir. That's it. Nothing to it."

But of course, I also get the opposite reaction too. But in general, most people disparage the work that goes into being a musician. Not necessary just piano- but any instrument.

For a good number of us musicians, we are going to school to study just as long as a medical student would studying to become a doctor. In fact, in order to pursue what my mind is currently set on, I will be required to earn a Doctorate of Musical Arts degree. That's just as many years as those med-school students! (aka I'll be OLD when I'm done)

But, I guess of all things that annoy me- one thing really sticks out like a sore thumb: The people that turn their noses up when they look at my ipod and see that over 50% of my music is classical- 6.1 days worth of it if you play it straight through.

-----
Music is draining. It's emotionally draining, physically difficult to facilitate, incomprehensibly complex, architecturally structured, and massively broad in repertoire.

Of course, if I was actually complaining, then I wouldn't call myself music major anymore. I play because I love it, not because of anything else.

It's just rather frustrating to see people so naïve about classical music. Talking to my friend Scott about music, he said something that really made sense, "classical music is the foundation for all other types of music! Where do you think all your jazz musicians came from, or your pop musicians? Well, most of the good ones were classically trained at first!!"

Now I realize there is some negative connotation with classical- in that it was heavily associated with the rich snobs and royalty of the past. (Often kings and queens would force composers to write music in "their honor," and in the past, only the rich could afford phonographs and classical records or attend concerts). But judging the music off the culture of society doesn't truly exemplify the essence of the music. Even though Mozart was forced to write for royalty, does that demean the artistry he incorporated into his music? The music still stands on its own.

I guess that's a big reason I don't like some of the mainstream music out there today. It's so heavily influenced by looks and culture. If you took it all away, and just took the music as is- there would be a LOT of stupid music out there. Yeah, it's catchy. Yeah, I'd probably dance to it. But do I think it's the most thought out, quality stuff out there? No. And don't get me on the "oh, but you're being subjective." THINK about it. The music without the "Lady Gaga" clothing culture and sexualized glam. No music vids and no mass-mediation. Is it quite the same without? Can it stand without all the hype?

The answer: probably not.

So... YES I DO listen to classical music. YES it dominates my ipod. And YES, I think it is cool.

Is that a problem?



-KKZ

America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and the Victim of Ethnic Destruction

I love America. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have it any other way. Compared to somewhere like, say, China, it's a ton cleaner, there are less people and you have more rights. In fact, what I'm about to write isn't 100% applicable to every person. But I believe it affects everyone to a certain degree.

There. That was my disclaimer, and that being said: a land like America has potential for problems. And no, I'm not just talking oil spills and abortion issues.

Recently I was talking with an Asian friend and he was telling me about how he grew up in a white neighborhood, and how he didn't really get along with his parents. On top of all this, he understood very little about the Asian culture because his parents had taken on the "American-White" style of living. On top of all this, he had a very bad experience going back to his home country, where his grandparents just yelled at him and made him go to school in the summer (since Asian countries have schedules different than ours). So overall, he felt very uncomfortable in any setting consisting of a bunch of Asians. He was much more comfortable around white people.

The question that went through my mind is: How can one feel uncomfortable around people their own type!?!

Now that question may be too naive in nature, but in my experience, and with others' experiences, I have come to realize the norm of society is the concept that "like-begets-like." I suppose there might be some childhood trauma or disgust involved with my friend, but I don't think it even borderlines abuse in terms of being a "turn-off" to people like him. I guess it's also an identity crisis. Not having been reinforced with who you are early in life can often lead to confusion about who you are and who you interact with later in life. Not saying that it is all bad- often people who develop like this can be very open minded to things like other ethnicities. Yet, I feel they lose a sense of their own internal ethnic identity.

Growing up in a relatively traditional Asian family, I guess I really do have a bias, and I assume that all Asians that are in my generation have grown up with their parents' traditional influences. My grandma always said to me "marry a Chinese woman; Chinese people are good; stay together with your fellow Chinese people, they understand you best." Stuff like that. Not that I'm going to necessarily follow any of that. Yet, talking with my friend made me realize not everyone was like that and how America was slowly trending towards a loss of ethnic identity.

What does it mean to be an American? I hope it certainly doesn't mean to forgo or forget about one's roots. Unfortunately, more and more people are becoming complacent or apathetic about their roots. Something, which could end up being very dangerous in the future of America's ethnic diversity...

Just something to consider and think about!!

-KKZ

Being Depressed is No Fun...

Some Music Theory for you....

So in music, there are these things called "hemiolas."

Essentially, the best way to explain it to someone who doesn't already know what they are is this:

Think of common factors in math. (Yes, there is math involved. This is why Music Theory replaces a math course =) )

Multiples of two (broken into threes): 0 2 4,6 . 8 . 10,12...
Multiples of three (broken into twos): 0 3,6 9,12 15,18...

The common factors in both multiples represent the "beats" where the accents of the rhythms are felt. The least amount of measures to compare one full overlapping cycle of these "common beat denominators" is two. Every time the cycles overlap, is where the downbeat of the measure is. If you subdivide the multiples of 3, you get sets of two (duples), and if you subdivide the multiples of 2, you get sets of three (triples). Also, the time signature of a piece is important in determining the type of hemiola. For example, playing music that is in triple time, a hemiola within the music would make you feel three duple rhythms over an elongated period in two measures, as opposed to two "normal" triple rhythms in two measures of triple time.

This 3-against-2 hemiola is very common, but there are certainly ridiculous ones that could potentially go 3-against-4, or 5-against-3. There is a contemporary piano etude written by Gyorgy Ligeti, which is essentially an unpredictably changing hemiola. The right hand barline is offset by one beat every single measure, so the downbeat for both hands never matches until the end.

Confused yet? Subdivision, music theory, analysis, scrutiny? Is music supposed to be this complicated?

And this is only one concept out of dozens that you have to pick out in two measures, of a piece that could be hundreds and hundreds of measures long. Plus, it doesn't include control of touch, technical execution, control of dynamics, observance of tone color, articulation, and the two measures' place in the structure of the piece as a whole. Now you know why pianists spend hours in the practice room!!! It isn't just to play our music through hundreds of times until we are bored out of our mind, it's to work on small details like this...

And as my former piano teacher would agree, yes complicated, but mechanical, definitely not!!

"Play it like music, not a hemiola. I don't like labeling!"

-Joe Zins

As musicians, what is the extent of our music analysis? One can argue that no knowledge and all "heart" will make you lose the structure of the music you are trying to convey. On the other hand, one could argue that too much knowledge could lead to mechanical "heartless" playing that seems more "computer" than human.

Where's the balance?

Hmm... I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I get to that point.

KKZ

Lord, I'm praying that you will show yourself through someone in Houston this summer. Someone to comfort me. Someone to open up to. Someone who will give me a kick and tell me to wake up. Someone to help me out of the grave I'm digging for myself.

I know it's not impossible...

I pray this in genuine earnest, and believe that you will provide if it is what you want.


Begging for His mercy,

KKZ

Deep Crisis

It is said that some 7 out 10 high school students leave their faith once they enter college.

"Yeah, whatever- that will never be me"
-KKZ, as a high schooler


And so ironically, I am at a crossroads right at this moment. I had a very deep, heated, 3+ hour discussion with several of my fellow honors-college musicians tonight:

What is morality? Right and wrong? Post-modern thinking? Why is casual sex so bad? What's wrong with homosexuality? Is sexual morality immoral only when it hurts you or someone else? What if sex is consensual? If masturbation is wrong because it is self-centered, isn't the desire to have sex contain the same self-centeredness in terms of self-gratification? Why is there a need of marriage before you have sex? What is the definition of sacred? What makes me not want to stab and kill you right now? What is human nature, and has it mainly developed through social construct? Isn't religion circular? The idea of God is flawed? Is the bible really inerrant? Isn't the bible relative to your interpretation? Why Jesus and not something else? Why Christianity and not something else? Aren't you using faith as your psychological crutch to the logic you cannot produce? What is relative and what is absolute? How do you define God, us as a subjective human being? Didn't Christianity stifle the growth of science and well-being of humanity? How do you define perfection and absolutes? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is, are you just using the religion you are engrossed in to explain that there is? If there really is, how do I know you're not misled?


All these questions swarmed my mind. Some of these questions which I could hardly answer.

Why is Jesus the only way? Because the bible said so? Why is the bible so true? Why are there passages in the bible that don't seem to be congruent with Christianity? Why Christianity? What about absolutes? Did you just grow up thinking the way you do? Is social acceptability the result of historical reality? Is there absolute truth that is binary? Is love a concept? How do you reconcile concepts if you cannot prove them? How do you explain all the denominations in Protestantism? How is Catholicism any different from Catholicism? After all, Protestantism hides under the same facade of the "Church." Why does the God speak to the Pope? Isn't Christ supposed to replace that whole order? What do you say to Martin Luther's literal interpretation of the bible in 'the bible speaks for itself'? How do I know 2+2 really equals 4? Is it based off an assumed concept? Where does that concept come from? How can the idea of absolute truth stem to God and Christ as deities that transcend us, if we are can never experience what absolute is? Is faith a "feeling" that allows us to bridge gaps in our religious knowledge, or is it legit? How do we know our experiences are real? What if my hand here is not real?



Thank you to the Christians (you know who you are... I've tried talking to you, but you just beat around the bush) that so shy away from certain topics. I think it is you all that are afraid to question your faith. It is so hypocritical that you want to share your faith with others, but yet can't deal with your own. Take out your own "plank" first!! Maybe you're not as "Christian" as you think you are. Just dig a few holes for yourself and see if your faith gets shaken like an earthquake. There's a limit to "blind" faith. And you never know if you might be wrong... Feelings are deceptive. And so is life, society, and everything around you.

I sound like an atheist now, don't I? I'm not. But at the same time... I'm definitely not on board. It's too depressing to believe in nothing, and at the same time, there are too many holes in what I'm believing... I'm done with fellow Christians telling me that it's all in the "experience." Yeah. "Experience." Just cuz I feel it's real doesn't mean it is...



You know. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would type this... but I think I'm falling away... into oblivion...

Music, Homosexuality, and Christians

Warning: Very Charged Post

*Disclaimer: If you can't read politically charged,very opinionated, or very controversial posts of very sarcastic nature, without getting upset, then please don't read on.

*Disclaimer #2: I see homosexuality as influenced by environmental and childhood factors in addition to a certain degree of choice. Whether or not you or I believe in a gay "gene," though, is irrelevant in this post.

*******

I have many friends who are either gay, in the closet, or dealing with the idea of being gay. In fact, I am surrounded by them. By a rudimentary estimate, one-third of the guys in my music school are gay. The more I get to know each one, the more I see a pattern.

For example:

Friend #1: Dad was deported as a kid. Grew up on his own. Brother is gay.
Friend #2: Mom divorced and remarried for the third time. Sexually abused as a kid. Childhood dad living far away, little contact. Second dad, mistreated family.
Friend #3: Father passed away from cancer. Mother developed cancer. Now living on his own.
Friend #4: Father always working, not one to show much affection. No help from his church, though very involved with it.
Friend #5: Insecure, lack of male figures or close male friends in his life. Grew up being laughed at for the things he did, because they were "girly."

And it goes on and on and on and on and on....


You look at all the cases, and yes- each one is different, but look at the trend. It has to do with the male role model. How many of in this sad society can say they have a great relationship with their dad? A few I'm sure, but not many..

For those of you guys who are reading this and may someday become fathers-- I BEG you to please love your children!! How one is raised determines much later in his life. Be good father figures; Be healthy role models-- This is regardless of your views on homosexuality.


*******

What I am upset about is how Christians treat this topic and people involved with it.

Yeah I personally believe it's inherently a choice. But,

JUST HOW MUCH OF A CHOICE DO YOU THINK IT IS? Christians as a majority, all over the place, shoot down homosexuality right away without thinking about it. Do you really think it's a choice when the male figures in your life sexually abused you? Do you really think it's a choice when your father was not there for you? Didn't show you love? Do you really think it's a choice that echoes of a taunting childhood memory resound "haha... you don't play sports... you must be gay?"?

BULLSHIT.


Thanks Dad- for having a personal philosophy in ministry, where you condemn first before you consider. For choosing to minster to some but not others because "that is what I feel comfortable with at the moment..."

Thanks Pastors- for shying away from this topic in your churches. From assuming that everything can be swept under the rug. For condemning without helping.

Thanks Church- for being so ineffective at helping people, that they have to go to outside places for help- even help of non-homosexual issues- because they feel like they aren't accepted. For condemning certain people to the point where they shut themselves down to any mention of certain trigger words or stereotypes.

Thanks homophobic, ultra-conservative, right-wing Christians- for being so adamant about "righteousness" that the second the prefix "homo-" is mentioned, an automatic wall of condemnation rises up. Or for being so freaked out by homosexuals that it is thought they are a different "animal" than human.

Thanks for the rest of you Christians, who aren't ultra-conservatives- for assuming that this can be dealt by, as just "another sin-" and stopping at that. And for being shocked or uncomfortable to hear about the whole topic anyway.

Thanks society- for portraying an image of social taboo and lines that ought not to be crossed by one "type of people" by another "type of people."

Thanks culture- for establishing stereotypical gender roles that portray men as "macho" and "super buff." I guess those that don't fit the stereotype should be considered effeminate and gay?

Thanks America- for being so liberal, that you can even argue your way out of reality and absolutes. You're falling off a thousand foot cliff into your own doom.




To all my homosexual friends out there: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm sorry that I have to deal with this. I'm sorry that the world just sucks and that life is confusing. I'm sorry that the puzzle just can't be complete. I'm sorry that there just can't be an easy answer to life's problems. I'm sorry that some of you are still struggling. Why do you even have to deal with this issue at all?


Some things in life just don't have answers. And that's exactly where this post ends. Without one.

A bitter, sorry, depressing end.

White Sheet of Paper, Streaked

A line.

Divides.
Defines.
Distinguishes.
Marks.
Separates.

A bi-tonal water color in it's earliest stages of creation.

Raw.
Separated.
Two distinct sections.

An artist's brush.

Bristled and dispersing.
Blending.
Lines together.
Tones together.

My life. A line. Now blended.

Fighting: A Free Verse Poem

Three issues, all connected. These are the subjects of my poem.

Words so shallow, so inept.
How can I express it?
What do you say when no one gets it-
Yourself, immovable, implacable.

I'm fighting to separate.
I'm fighting to articulate.
I'm fighting to reconcile.
I'm fighting- but to what avail?
__

My mind, what's left in a mere figment of sanity,
My life, an overturned plea opposing vanity,
My self, seemingly a robot with "manual" decapitated,
My perception, much more than complicated.

And yet, I'm not fighting.
How can I?
The world at my doorstep is so misleading.
Why is the norm my bad?

__

And yet again- The cardboard boxes,
The clandestine walls,
The legalistic chains of society,
The misty facade of humanity- Binding me away.

I am confused.
I am the skeptic that I chose to disassociate with.
I thought I knew the truth.
But do I?

Owning Up to Helplessness

This post will seem paradoxical and coded with hidden meaning because it is as complicated as my situation:

In the past four days, I have fallen asleep to my nightmare world that was my last post.
I wish I would awaken and realize that it was just a dream, a bad dream.

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

This is one of the best spring breaks I've had in my life. I've gotten to be with the friends I love and do some really memorable things. But, inside, the consequences of last week still resonate within my head. As much as I am satisfied, as it seems, for the moment, I know that deep inside, I am only hiding the scar that I refuse to reveal.

After break, I realize I need to own up to my mentors. How will they react?
Will they judge? Will they disconnect their relationship with me?

Unfortunately, I can't go through life holding this burden inside of me, as ugly as it is. Something so ugly-- that I considered ending my life last week because of it.

I felt guilty, but that didn't stop the root problem or the recurring symptoms.
I worried about the medical consequences, but yet, the reality dulled quickly.
I thought about death, but I wasn't sure if I would meet it soon.
I thought about the people I had been sharing Christ with- the people I was pursuing right now, but I wasn't sure if I could continue without feeling like a poser.
I felt a disconnection from my faith, but I couldn't bring myself to address it.
I'm currently happy, but have no joy.

In the end, my dad also found out about the underlying issue, as I had previously hinted to it, though unintentionally. He offered to talk with me, but, I feel like it is my dad that is partly the cause of this.

I'm done with lying and deceit and creating a facade that only buries me deeper into the hole I have dug for myself.

The emotional side of my life is recovering, but yet my life as a whole, especially spiritually, is more of a mess than ever. I feel Christ-less, I feel empty, and I feel apathetic.


I need help. I have to own up, but why is it so hard?
Unfortunately, I trust no one, and even the ones I trust, I doubt will know how to help me.

Help?
Except none of you understand, except one person. And that one person can't help.

Help...

Failure On a Dozen Levels

I am ashamed.
I am hopeless.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
I have felt loss.
I feel disgusting.
I cannot believe myself.
I feel like a hypocrite and fake.
I'm not sure I can call myself a Chistian.
I don't want to remember what happened yesterday.
I wish I could rewind and totally redo yesterday all over again.
I wish that my retarded human self wouldn't be so demanding and uncontrollable.


As I thought about how worthless my life was, I sat on my bed, ready to cry myself to sleep. Then I remembered the book that my parents had given me last week and strongly encouraged me to read. It is titled "Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes." I only read the foreword, which said, "Without a doubt, you have great worth in His eyes."

But even after THIS?

I feel like I can now relate to people who wonder that with even the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that God would still love them and see them as worth something.

At this moment, I don't feel that way. There is a lot of personal reconciliation I have to do before I can even accept that this happened.


Even if you're one of my close friends, don't be offended if I don't feel like talking to you about what this post is about just yet. It may take a couple of months. There is a deep scar that has developed inside me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to share with anyone. Just pray that I will find healing in the right way. And trust me, it's going to take a lot.


I haven't gone to bible study, Intervarsity, or met with my mentors for weeks and weeks. Nor have I done my devotions or read my bible in a long, long time. I feel church is not applicable to me, and feel like I only go because my friends go... Everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Plus, Sunday School is too long and not even that interesting or applicable. I hear lectures enough during the week anyway.
I have not practiced enough piano worth a crap, and I'm ridiculously behind in reading for all my classes- 7 freaking weeks behind in one of them!


I hate my life. I feel detached with God. And I feel guilty.

I am screwed. I am doubting. I am an idiot. I have made bad choices.

Midterms next week. Already behind, and now, I can't focus...

lost, lost, lost...

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Far, far away from here, I'll tell you that much.

FML. or rather, F my stupid decisions and stupid self.


Spring Break please come faster, or I'll die!

Uneasiness for the Future...

So call me paranoid, but I'm worried about my apartment next year. After what seems like a dozen rooming adjustments, the ball has finally settled. I am rooming with a random guy I don't know, and I know one of my apartmentmates half-decently. The other one drinks some (hopefully not a deja vu of last semester) and is very "close" (yes, in that sense) to his girlfriend. The environment is not exactly quiet, and generally, I was a little weirded out that my apartmentmate found me a random roommate so quickly and without really telling me.

But it's all college life right?

Wouldn't it be different if you knew how this would turn out in the end? That's exactly what discussion in my humanities class was about the past week or two. How do we know that we have free-will? Are we robots that think we have free-will but actually don't? A conclusion I came to was that we should act the way we do based on the fact that we don't know the future.

I'm a natural worrier. That is good in the sense that I am always prepared, but that is bad because it makes me stress out when I realize what I can't prepare for. After my friend called me and told me the roommate situation was officially set in stone, I thought to myself "oh crap!" But then, a very eerie feeling came over me. Not in a bad way, but in a soothing way, almost. A thought came to mind that God has a purpose for everything He does.

In Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."

Time and again, though I usually choose to fight it or ignore it, the purpose is still there. In this situation, I see everything that could go wrong, but God sees everything that could go right. In a way, it is as tough as addressing questions such as "why would God allow the Haitian and Chilean earthquakes?"

But, as mere human minds, we cannot comprehend the vastness of this. I was talking to my roommate about this last week. He was an intellectualist that had a lot of trouble accepting that God was real.

God really prompted me to respond to him in this way: "Just as we know there is a finite value to finding the integral to infinite limits in calculus, we know God is absolute- all powerful and in control of our perceptions of the events and world around us. We know there is an absolute truth because the subjective has no standard in which it is based, and yet still leads to opposing sides. Would you agree that there is either 'cold' or 'hot', and not something else like 'peanut butter?' Something is either moving faster or slower on the molecular level, not something totally irrelevant. Regardless of whether you think it is actually cold or hot, the fact is, there are two absolutes: faster or slower molecular motion. And those have an absolute too, as seen by the concept of absolute zero."

God is in absolute control. I realize I pretty much said that in my last post, but this post was a better organization of my thoughts. Plus, I just talked until 5 AM with my apartmentmate that I know well, and he made me realize just how big of a deal this was.
And over the next few months as those doubts and worries flood my head, I am going to need to beat that concept in. If I don't, the same thing that has happened to me all year will happen again- I will forget about God and try to do things by myself. As I've seen many times-- something that is all too dangerous to toy with.


-KKZ

Stepping Out of a Comfort Zone

Looking back two months ago,
I thought I had next year's living arrangements set. I had a bad first semester experience in the dorms, and really wanted to move to an apartment- with people I knew and slightly more tame then the previous bunch. Even better if they were Christians as well.

I ended up asking 3 non-music major friends that wanted the same thing. It seemed like we would get along really well. And I was excited!


A few weeks ago, it all fell apart.
Now, trying to scramble for the deadline for the cheapest rate (the deadline is next week), decisions have to be rushed forward. Going from "I have no idea what's going on", to "finalizing roommates" in the matter of a week! I'm not quite to the finalizing part yet, but I am fairly sure that I will be living with a bunch of music majors- most of which are non-Christian.
I know, opposite of what I had hoped for right?

Then I thought about this past week's InterVarsity message.
They were talking about how easy it is for us Christians to realize the need to act for Christ, but never doing it. Our staff leader, Jeremiah, made an analogy to chores around the house. He had spent all day working on the message for that night and writing support letters, and never really got off the couch. But, elsewhere in the house, there was laundry to be done and dishes to be washed. He said that he realized in his head that these things had be done, but still at the end of the day, they were not done, even when his wife came home.

Later that night, I talked with a close friend in the suite next door and we were talking about how so many of us Christians live a passive faith- myself definitely included. If salvation and Christ are that important, are we really going to sit around and make it of secondary importance? I mean, really, is it not much more important than trying to make an "A" on the next test?

Two weeks ago, a fellow Christian friend and I had to opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with one of our music major colleagues. The conversation went surprisingly well, but afterwards, our colleague became really apologetic because she thought she was wasting our time asking us her spiritual questions. My friend's response to this, though sarcastic, hit me with a dose of reality: "Really? I wouldn't spend time talking about matters of eternal significance with a friend I cared about?"
*****

Back to the living situation for next year.
I think God's plan wasn't for me to live "comfortably" in a little Christian bubble (not that there's anything wrong with living in that environment). But, I think this is a little shove from God telling me to get up and do something for him for once. No, I don't really know my roommate that well, but there is obviously a purpose that he was the "candidate" that surface in the middle of all this decision-making mayhem.

Once again, God works in the weirdest ways. I'm nervous, but also excited about how this is going to play out...


until next time,

-KKZ

Music as a Language//Support from the Unexpected

(A Double Post)

In my last post, I talked about the deterioration of our language- How, our use of words have really shifted the meanings and intent of the original words.

In the same way, I see the trend of music following a paradigm shift that has both good and bad qualities.

You might agree with the statement that "in our world of increasing 'instant-gratification,' the quality of many things has dropped significantly." (and if you don't, then you won't agree with what I'm going to say next.)
For examples, just think of fast-food, instant diets, or tv dinners (all of which are either not good for you or just flat out don't work).

Juxtapose that idea over the music industry and world music trends. Yes, there is a lot of catchy and appealing stuff out there, but how much of it actually lasts? Lady Gaga may be on the top 10 list (Billboard), but in 20 or 30 years, just how many people will still be listening to her music? Or Taylor Swift?

Obviously, there is a type of music that a lot of people like to just chill out or relax to- I get that. But just the fact the music of today is so fleeting and seemingly shallow, really concerns me."Simple" and "catchy" is NOT the same as "rashly thought out" and "mindless," which is unfortunately the product of trying to get rich through music quickly without actually making real music. We don't fully understand the drive of the mass-producing media and its amplifying effect on the music. A song like this might have a few good parts, but when the media takes it and blows it up, it looks like something way greater than it actually is. Sometimes it's not even about the music- it's just the fact that some popular celebrity wrote it. I venture to guess that if Taylor Swift wrote a piece of junk song, everybody would listen to it anyway. Of couse, that has been the way music has been marketed over the past one or two hundred years- the only way to make a living is to get it popular, but what I'm talking about is the recent precedence of "image/perception" over the music itself. An artist's image and his/her song should go hand-in-hand, if first, the song is well-written. Anything is else is just a well-known face slapped onto a CD cover.

Or maybe it's the people that are changing too? That we're ok with anything nowadays, and that music is reflecting that perception??

I was going to try this experiment on a friend, who really didn't like a certain type of music: Play him something from that composer, but tell him it was a different famous composer that he liked. I haven't done it yet, but I am 99% sure that he would have liked it just for the fact that he thought it was NOT written by the composer he didn't like.

I feel that because of the direction the music industry is taking everything in, soon music will become as obsolete as the words we use- Not necessarily losing it's meaning, per se, but very much decapitated in full value and effect.

(*disclaimer: I'm not being a snob about music, nor am I trying to bash on artists- I listen to some of this music too, aside from the fact that my main problem with most modern music is the lyrics; but I'm just pointing out what I see in the trend since classical turned to pop/rock to hip-hop to now and everything in between.)

In the end, all I have to say is this: Music is like words in that it conveys a heavy meaning, both implied and not implied. Play different types of music for a baby and see how the baby reacts. Obviously, music DOES SOMETHING to your body, to your soul. That's why God gave it to us. That's why the angels SING praises. If there's anything I've learned about music throughout high school and college, it's that.

If you yourself are a musician, I encourage you to keep making music with integrity, no matter what genre you're in. God gave it to us, so make music with meaning. Even though that is what many musicians did try to market their music through public appeal back then in the 1800s and 1900s, for some reason, the music they made was still quality and thought out, unlike much of today's music.

///////////////////

On a totally unrelated topic, I just really want to give thanks for two of my brothers and sisters in InterVarsity. It shocked me that one of them sensed, without me telling her, that I had a lot of struggles going on- confronting me with it.

Thank you so much for praying for me and being the people I can lean on during this time. I realize it's not going to get much easier, but it is amazing to know I have a brother and sister that will turn me towards Him.

It's things like these that make Christian fellowship integral, whether you're in high school, college, or working. It's not a worldly answer that they can provide, but literally an out-of-this-world answer.

To be the hands and feet of Christ: you may touch someone's life without knowing it.


-KKZ

America in the Eyes of an International Student

I recently moved down the hall to escape the prison of reckless and often drunk roommates. My new roommate is a Vietnamese international student. We'll call him "Sam". Now, I've met international students, but none that I've actually lived with or had to really get to know well. Sam is the first. And especially not one that was absolutely foreign to America. In fact, there is not a day when I don't get asked "why do Americans do ____?"

Having lived in America all my life except one year as a baby, Sam made me realize just how desensitized and assimilated I have become in American society.

He asked me "why do you say 'what the heck' or 'oh my god'?"
"Aren't they bad words?"

Even without really knowing the meaning behind the slang, my roommate clearly noticed that something associated with those phrases conveyed something negative. How many times have I said that in the past day? 10 times? a hundred?

All too often, myself included, we all say things without thinking twice. And when confronted about it, we respond by saying "oh, it's no big deal, I don't mean it."

Then what has become of the way humans use language to communicate? If half the stuff we say, we don't mean, then has the purpose of language been disparaged?

This doesn't just extend to language, but our culture, actions and attitudes as human beings. Liberalism is innovative on many levels, yes, but it also leads humans down a very slippery slope with many chances to fall. My roommate not only exemplified an outside example of American language, but also many other aspects of a culture that has gone terribly wrong?

How do you respond to something like "Why do Americans write 'motherf*ck*r' on the desks in my english class? Why are Americans so rude?"

I have yet to read a book I bought at Urbana: "Why the Rest Hates the West." Just the title itself is pretty self-explanatory. It's even more misleading, as so many people from other countries think that America is a "Christian Nation."

Just something to ponder next time you consider what it means to be "American." What can we do about this, on a personal level? Even though you may not affect the rest of the nation, how do people around you view you as a Christian? There is no doubt that you will someday run into a "Sam." How will you be a light to him in the dark world?

Hopefully this post got you thinking about taking on a different perspective- one that is very often overlooked.


-KKZ

Can't take it anymore...

Sometimes, you just have to learn to say "no."

I have never been one to say "no" a lot. So this is just going to be plain hard.

I'm having a lot of trouble trusting God. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do when things get tough.

And I'm also having trouble trusting that I won't be stupid and do stupid things. Like overbooking my schedule so badly that I have to schedule time specifically to "breathe air."

Read part of Job today. I know I'm in an oasis compared to him, but one can't help but relate to him in the slightest. I feel that way tonight. And probably will this whole week.

My post makes no sense. It's been a long day. And I can't even type in the right tenses.
Whatever.

Goodnight.

-KKZ

P.S. I'm sorry that my posts have been neither insightful nor substantial. In fact, looking at the last one, some stranger might think I'm emo. But nevertheless, this is going to be a really hard month...

... more later, when I'm somewhat sane.



**********************
post update: sometimes God speaks quickly and sometimes he speaks slowly. Literally right after I posted this, an answer came.

Dark Hurdles and A Sketchy Road Before Me

It is only because of His grace that I am still functioning.

So many things have come up in the last week that have shattered my sense of reality and sanity.

So many things I am questioning, struggling with- mentally, spiritually, physically- with what seems like no answers.

I am stuck. I am lost. I am frustrated. I am scared.

In a life that is full of suffering, pain, troubles and a world that doesn't understand:

"My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

-"No One Else Knows" (Building 429)

The Life of a Musician: An Unstable Balance

Being a Christian-Musician. Now that's somewhat ironic. And those that are able to be both, props to you!

Sadly, many musicians I know these days are very full of themselves, and even if they are not, they are very independent- to an unhealthy point. So many of my colleagues in the musical realm have also followed the very enticing but dead-end philosophy of "serving the music." What all does that mean? It is true that music is a very powerful phenomenon- almost disturbing. Consider this true case-study:

An elderly man who had an illustrious career as a classical concert pianist became ill with alzheimer's disease. He soon was admitted to an elderly home, where he forgot relative's names and basic things most people remember out of second nature. Yet, one day, they sat him down at a piano and he played like there was no tomorrow.

So, it's understandable how musicians can be entranced by the idea that music is of the "ethereal realm," and that "serving the music" is spiritual enough for them.

Yet, as I went through my first semester of musical study, I realized that this could not be the case. As powerful as music is, it cannot reach higher than it's creator, God. It may seem like a "spiritual thing" to fill the voids of your soul, but in reality, without God, music is as empty and purposeless as a hollow jar.

It's this struggle that Christian musicians must face in order to make sure their priorities do not get all mixed up.

Which brings me to another point. I have struggled throughout my so far short piano career to balance between making myself well-known, and also making my piano playing Christ-centered and humble. In high school, I rarely won competitions. All my colleagues got to play with orchestras, won lots of money, got their name known and seemingly set themselves up to have great futures and careers in music. Now part of this might have been because I didn't focus as hard as I should have?

And recently, I found myself being really happy for a fellow colleague that had won a competition, but yet at the same time, something deep inside of me felt a little jealous and empty.

The pressure with music performance is that you have to "make it big," in order to "make it." All the time, I wonder to myself, if I haven't won a decently prominent competition by the end of my undergrad, what will happen?

While pride may be a big part of this, most of it stems from the insecurities and nature of being a musician. If I don't "make it big," (even in the slightest sense), then I won't be well known as a good performer or teacher. And if I'm not well-known, then I'll never land a job as a good high school or even college professor, which is currently a practical goal of mine. All this fear and doubt has really gotten in the way of what I believe Christ intends for me in terms of being a musician.


So at the moment, I think all I can do is hang on for dear life and pray that God will help me trust him to go in the right direction. In this grueling, cut-throat world of music, it's tough. But if this is what God's plan is for me, then I believe he will show me the way through.

Semester II starting in a few days:

Back to the practice room...


-KKZ